Subject: Daily Dose - 060322 - George's Collection

another collection courtesy of George in Winnipeg...

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Canadian Political Joke

Are you a Federal Liberal, Federal Conservative or an Alberta Conservative?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Colt .45 Automatic, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

Federal Liberal's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think?  What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Colt have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab hisknees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Federal Conservative's Answer:

BANG!

Alberta Conservative's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.....

(Reload), BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

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Best Lawyer Joke Of The Month

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning redhead, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....So ... do you think we should ..  well ...  you know ...  screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.

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A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fucking safe!",  he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank: replies the girl.  "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!".

She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm", the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it", he says. She pries off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another on.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.....

"Not that fucking difficult, is it?" he says.

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You've got to know about Skoal to appreciate this one. For you non-Albertans... the container for this 'snuff' is very large, flat and round, and a cowboy carries it in his back jeans pocket.)

Prior to her trip to Calgary, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Oil abundant province.  She wanted to taste some real Alberta Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have steaks there that when they're slow cooked over the BarBQ, the taste is unbelievable! And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked,"Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you  kidding?  Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back  pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind."

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Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink".

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "what man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why in the world do you keep calling her--- the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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A  Professor was giving a  lecture  on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is  doing  while  you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."

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Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy?"

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

Did I drive too fast?