Subject: Daily Dose - 060320 - Heli-pad 1, BIZARRE NEWS, name change, DDL, Rotten News

Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower:

Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1."

Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that pad!"

There was a brief moment of silence.

First voice again: "You idiot! You're my CO-PILOT!"

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre T-Shirt Sayings

* (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

* My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

* I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

* (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

* Senior Citizen: Just Give Me My Discount

* Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

* I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

* I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

* Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

* IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

* Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

* If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

***

Couple Plays With Nuts, Finds Condom

RIFLE, Colo. - Dian Geist and her husband Brian were enjoying a bag of nuts when they got a surprise - a condom was hidden inside one of the nuts.

Dian had bought the bag of unshelled nuts from an open bin at a Wal-Mart Supercenter, and the couple had a good laugh when the bright yellow condom popped out of one nut.

Police said someone must have drilled a hole in the nut, emptied the shell, put a condom inside, and then plugged the hole with wood putty.

"The condom was new and unused, so it probably wasn't anything malicious. I can't find where any law has been broken," said Police Chief Daryl Meisner.

***

Man Shoots Load While On The Toilet

NORTH VANCOUVER, B.C. - If you're playing with a handgun while sitting on the john, there's a good chance things aren't going to end well.

Police arrived at an apartment after receiving a call about a man who was seen bleeding profusely from his hand. The man wasn't at the apartment, but a large amount of blood was found on the door. Police searched the apartment and found a shell casing on the bathroom floor and a large pool of blood near the toilet.

"Apparently the male was playing with a handgun while using the bathroom and inadvertently shot his finger off," the RCMP said in a new release.

The RCMP warned about the dangers of gunplay after the incident, and also warned of the dangers of playing with guns while using the toilet.

***

Padlocked Painter Loses Key

BAKER, Calif. - For a self-portrait, an artist went to great lengths literally, hobbling the Mojave Desert for 12 hours with ankles chained, padlocked and the key missing.

Trevor Corneliusen, a painter and classical violinist, had gone to the desert as he does each winter from his home in Olympia, Wash., to meditate. This time, he chained and padlocked his ankles Tuesday while posing for the self portrait but then couldn't find the key, reports The Los Angeles Times. He trudged for 12 hours through sand and scrub brush, using a wooden pole as a walking stick, before reaching a gas station in Baker, Calif.

The fire department used bolt cutters to unshackle the artist after three attempts.

***

Snake Finds Cat To Be Purr-fect Meal

INTERLACHEN, Fla. - A Florida woman lost her cat when a neighbor's pet python escaped and made a meal of it. The python, named Bernie, was on the hunt, its owner, Steve Cook of Interlachen, told the St. Augustine Record.

He had put two rabbits in its enclosure for its meal but, while the snake was eating one, the other decided to dig its way out. The python followed the rabbit through the hole, and then came upon Burrito, the cat belonging to Dianne Turner.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission has given Cook a warning for allowing his snake to get loose.

The 13-foot 170-pound snake is a Burmese python, one of the world's largest snakes.

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Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"

Leon: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Leon Shitferbrains, is it?"

Leon: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?"

Leon: "Melvin,  your honor."

______________________________

DDL

There was a young lady from Tottenham
Whose manners - well, she'd forgotten 'em.
When she went to the vicar's,
She took off her knickers,
Explaining she felt much too hot in 'em.

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"You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18 percent that say 'I don't know'? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote--and they're voting 'I don't know.' "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone)... 'I DON'T KNOW!' (Hangs up looking proud.)

"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you'renot sure about."

--Andy Rooney

***

Following the Vatican declaration that women cannot become priests because they do not resemble Christ, sources reported that Colonel Sanders declared that he would not employ anyone who didn't resemble a chicken.
--Jane Curtin, SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

***

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"

***

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
-Rich Cook

***

"The typical Internet user receives an average of 17,000 email messages per year. Of this total, an average of one message actually contains useful information (it says: 'Disregard previous email'). The rest are porno ads, investment opportunities for morons (Make Big Money Petting Kittens At Home!), and jokes that were originally set in movable type by Johann Gutenberg."
--Dave Barry

***

As a child my mother would always tell me not to sit so close to the TV, that it was bad for my eyes.  Now, as an adult I spend 8+ hours a day within 2 feet of a computer screen.

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Rotten News....  (true)

Sex call broadcast on train

Liam Houlihan

11jan06

PRANKSTERS broke into a vacant cabin and broadcast a 1900 sex call to a crowded peak-hour Melbourne train last week.

Shocked passengers thought Thursday evening's blue broadcast on the Sandringham line was the result of the driver accidentally pressing the intercom button while on a private call.

"It was a raunchy female voice and went on for quite some time," said Belinda Jackson, who was homeward-bound when she heard the erotic announcement. "It was fairly graphic. There was an elderly lady sitting across from me and she was giggling behind her book."

She said the announcement concerned a man's endowments and performance and "it was very complimentary." It went for 30 seconds while the train was between stations, then ended abruptly.

The profane pranksters escaped before police were called.

The incident has been reported to Victoria Police's transit safety division.

**********

Cajundome Seeks Toilet Flushers

Tue Dec 20, 3:12 PM ET

LAFAYETTE, La. - Lafayette's Cajundome is looking for volunteers to flush more than 200 toilets in the building. About 70 volunteers are needed to participate in the "Great Cajundome Flushoff" set for 6 p.m. on Dec. 27.

The Cajundome and Convention Center housed as many as 17,000 evacuees of hurricanes Katrina and Rita for 58 days ending Oct. 26. That many people in the facility 24 hours a day took a toll on the arena's plumbing system.

"We don't know what ended up in the (sewer) system," Cajundome Director Greg Davis said. But, operations manager Phil Ashurst said they have found items in the pipes like pieces of brick wrapped in a towel, a T-shirt and diapers.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency denied a request to inspect the sewer system with a camera, Davis said. So, to test the plumbing before hosting an event in January, a minimum of 70 volunteers are needed to spend 15 to 20 minutes flushing toilet paper down 220 or so toilets and testing urinals.

"We can't afford to find out we have a problem at a sold-out concert," Davis said.

**********

Fall in love in India and risk a police thrashing

Wed Dec 21, 3:34 AM ET

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Outrage and protests mounted in India on Wednesday after TV channels showed police officers repeatedly slapping, punching and pulling the hair of young women on a date in a public park in a north Indian city.

Indian media reported one couple was so humiliated by the police action in front of TV crews they have not returned home.

"Is falling in love wrong? Who gave the police the right to beat and hit people and misbehave in such a manner," a woman in Meerut city in Uttar Pradesh state told Aaj Tak television news.

Since Tuesday, shocked TV viewers in India have been watching images of female officers pummelling and abusing crying young women in Meerut in what the media is calling "moral policing". TV footage also showed male policemen with sticks surrounding the scared women and taking them to women officers who beat them. Several of their male companions were beaten also.

The police operation, termed "operation Romeo", in a popular park in Meerut on Monday was touted by police as a move to prevent sexual harassment of women.

It turned out to be something very different.

The outcry, including from women groups, has forced the police to suspend two women officers and probe the incident.

One of India's most conservative states, Uttar Pradesh is also one of the most crime-ridden, known for gangs indulging in murder, extortion and kidnapping. People in Meerut are amazed that police have the time to go after dating couples.

Young couples in cities often meet in parks as dating before marriage is frowned upon by many Indian parents but they are harassed by police who threaten to report them or ask for bribes.

Fetch, Blue......