Subject: Daily Dose - 060319 - Vaseline, BIZARRE NEWS, away from
civilization, DDL, Rotten News
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He
doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a for sale
sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and
asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple,
really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's
going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra,
invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But
just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to
tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we
don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do
the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And
in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the
middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is
another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,
everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure
enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage
of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he
reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands
up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her
right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her
dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no
one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got
a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner
table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner
table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap
of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls
the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from
the table and shouts, "All right, enough - I'll do the fucking
dishes!"
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Celebrity Firings
George Michael was sacked from his
Saturday job at British Home Stores for not wearing a shirt and tie in the
stockroom.
Madonna was fired from New York
fast-food restaurant Dunkin' Donuts for squirting jam at a customer.
Mickey Rourke lost his job as a
cinema usher after getting into a brawl with a colleague.
Boy George was sacked from his job
as a shelf-stacker at Tesco for wearing the store's carrier bags. Tesco deemed
his appearance 'disturbing.'
Roseanne Barr got fired from her job
as a salad lady at Chuckarama in Salt Lake City for refusing to enter the walk-in
freezer after a painful visit to the dentist.
Eric Sykes lost his job at a cotton
mill for singing Bing Crosby's 'In the Blue of the Night' with an empty bucket
on his head.
Dusty Springfield was fired from his
sales job at Bentalls for making a mess of a demonstration and fusing the
store's entire lighting system.
Peter Finch was sacked as copyboy on
the Sun, Sydney's leading newspaper of the 1930s, for emptying a jug of water
over the editor's head.
Sidney Poitier was fired from his
job parking cars because he couldn't drive. He got first gear mixed up with
reverse and crashed into another car.
[From The Best Book of Lists Ever]
***
Two-headed albino snake up for sale
ST. LOUIS - At a desired price of
$150,000, the World Aquarium in St. Louis is offering a sort of twofer -- a
two-headed albino rat snake, appropriately named "We."
Actually, the price for We is
$150,000 or the best offer, reports the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. The 6
1/2-half-year-old female snake has been in the aquarium since 1999, when the
facility paid $15,000 to buy it.
At the time, it was felt such snakes
cannot survive for long. But We, now a 4-foot-long, 1-inch-thick, reptile,
proved everyone wrong and remains healthy, says the report.
Aquarium President Leonard
Sonnenschein said We survived because, unlike other two-headed animals, both
her mouths are connected to the same stomach.
Proceeds from her sale would go for
education, research and conservation.
***
Shoplifter's sprain on silly claims
list
LONDON - A list of the silliest
insurance claims against local governments in Britain includes a shoplifter who
sprained her ankle while running away.
Others on Zurich Municipal's annual
list are a man who claimed he dirtied his trousers because a municipality
failed to provide enough public toilets and another man who sued the Archbishop
of Canterbury and local authorities "on behalf of all the homeless people
in Britain," the BBC reported.
Then there's the sanitation worker
who claimed he was "startled" by a dead badger that fell out of a bag
while he was making a pickup.
Zurich Municipal, which is part of
the Swiss-based Zurich Group, one of the world's largest insurers, provides
insurance for local government authorities in Britain. The company says that
spurious claims are on the rise.
"We are constantly amazed at
some of the excuses people use to try to claim against public bodies,"
said claims director Iwan Borszcz. "It just goes to show that working in
insurance is more interesting than people may think."
***
Fill 'er up with recycled cooking
oil
OBERLIN, Ohio - A former gas station
in Oberlin, Ohio, could become the first in the Buckeye State to pump 100
percent recycled vegetable oil to power diesel vehicles.
Full Circle Fuel Center is the
brainchild of Oberlin College graduate Sam Merrett and Biodiesel Cleveland
owner Ray Holan. The pair met three years ago at Great Lakes Brewing Co., which
runs its "Fatty Wagon" on biodiesel recycled by Holan's company.
"I've been energy conscious
since high school," Merrett told the Cleveland Plain Dealer. "I
wanted my environmental science degree to mean something."
Today, motorists who pay up to
$2,000 to refit their vehicles can tap diesel-vegetable oil blends at Full Circle,
which plans to offer 100 percent biodiesel next June. That will be bolstered
with cooking oil from every restaurant in Oberlin and Merrett's alma mater to
produce 40 gallons of biodiesel a week.
In the winter months, though, the
fuel will be capped at 20 percent vegetable oil since biodiesel loses viscosity
in colder temperatures.
***
Why Jan. 3 stinks
England - The year is only a matter
of days old but it is claimed we are already at the "toughest day of the
year." Returning to work after New Year excess, dented bank balances and
ages to the summer are all to blame, it seems.
ccording to the recruitment
consultancy Office Angels, three-quarters of people in a poll identified Jan. 3
as the killer date in their diaries, Sky News reported Tuesday. The factors
were identified as financial pressures, being physically drained, and bloated
from too much food and drink. Then there's the prospect of months in the gym
getting back into shape and a long wait until the summer holidays.
According to the Daily Mail, Office
Angels has devised a formula: Depleted wallet times three months of sun
deprivation divided by excessive alcohol plus increased waistline equals
toughest working day of 2006.
Managing director Paul Jacobs
suggests people throw themselves into new projects and responsibilities at work
to help forget their woes. Sure we do.
______________________________
A friend and his wife were
considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of
taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin
without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.
"If we decided to live there
permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he
asked his wife.
She replied, "You."
______________________________
DDL
Jack and Jill went up the
hill,
To smoke a little leaf.
Jack got high,
Pulled down his fly,
And Jill said, "Where's the beef!"
______________________________
"The French have launched their
own version of Google, called Quaero. You just type in the subject you're
interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you."
--Amy Poehler
***
"Today on MSNBC they posted an
article: "How to Avoid a Bear Attack." Number one tip: "never
surprise a bear". Like if it's his birthday, the whole surprise party is
bad, just give him a gift...they hate the "Booo!"
--Jay Leno
***
"Have you folks been watching
the Alito Supreme Court Hearings? The Democrats are accusing Alito of giving
vague answers. He shot back by saying, 'Maybe, maybe not.'"
--Dave Letterman
***
My schoolmates would make love to
anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
--Emo Philips
***
Hellen Keller went to town
riding on a pony
stuck a feather in her cap
and called it BLEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHGHGHAG
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Kilt-wearing boy wins apology
Thu Jan 12, 10:51 AM ET
KANSAS CITY, Missouri (Reuters) - A
Missouri high school student who was barred from a school dance because he was
wearing a Scottish kilt has received an apology from school officials after the
action sparked outrage among Scottish heritage supporters.
In a letter dated January 9, Jackson School District Superintendent Ron
Anderson apologized to Jackson High School senior Nathan Warmack and said the
district would train staffers how to properly apply the school dress code.
The letter came after more than two
months of debate and discussion about the actions of school officials when they
asked Warmack, who is of Scottish descent, to change into trousers before
entering the dance on November 5.
News of the event sparked an
Internet petition, which was ultimately signed by more than 10,000 supporters
and championed by the Clan Gunn Society of North America, which promotes
Scottish heritage and traditions.
"Individual members felt like
there had been an injustice to the young man," said society president Rich
Gunn.
**********
Trolleys torn apart for £1
coins
Vandals took apart dozens of supermarket trolleys in the mistaken belief they
contained £1 coins.
The would-be thieves targeted 83
shopping carts at Lidl's supermarket on Essington Way in Peterlee, County
Durham, in the early hours of Tuesday.
They took apart the handles of each
trolley before stacking them in a neat pile in a black bin bag left nearby.
Police believe they did not realise the £1 coins are returned when shoppers
take the trolleys back.
Although roads would have been quiet
between 0100 and 0330 GMT, police are hoping passers-by or any drivers using
Essington Way would have noticed activity in the supermarket's car park.
A Durham Police spokesman said:
"We can only guess that those responsible have never used a supermarket
trolley before, otherwise they would know where the money goes."
**********
Judge: Baby on board is no excuse
Pregnant woman claimed she was driving
for two
Thursday, January 12, 2006
PHOENIX, Arizona (AP) -- Fetuses do
not count as passengers when it comes to determining who may drive in the
carpool lane, a judge has ruled.
Candace Dickinson was fined $367 for
improper use of a carpool lane.
But Dickinson, pregnant when she
received the ticket, contended her unborn child qualified to use the lane.
Motorists who use the lanes normally must carry at least one passenger during
weekday rush hours.
Municipal Judge Dennis Freeman
rejected Dickinson's argument Tuesday, applying a "common sense"
definition in which an individual is someone who occupies a "separate and
distinct" space in a vehicle.
"The law is meant to fill empty
space in a vehicle," the judge said.
Sgt. Dave Norton stopped Dickinson's
car November 8. When asked how many people were in the car, Dickinson said two,
pointing to "her obvious pregnancy," the officer said.
Norton said Dickinson's theory
"would require officers to carry guns, radios and pregnancy testers, and I
don't think we want to go there."
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