Subject: Daily Dose - 060318 - optometrist, THIS is TRUE, Hebronics, DDL, Rotten News

An optometrist instructs a woman in his office to read the eye chart.

"Sorry, Doc," she says. "I can't make it out."

"Can you see my diploma hanging on the wall?"

"Nope, it's too blurry," she answers.

He thinks a minute, then takes out his penis. "Can you see this?"

"Why yes, it's your penis."

"I knew it," he says, "you're cock-eyed!"

______________________________

THIS is TRUE...

WHERE THERE'S STEAM, THERE'S HEAT: Famiglia Cristiana ("Christian Family"), Italy's leading Roman Catholic magazine, came under fire after it ran an ad for a ventilation company which showed a woman in the shower. Readers could easily see her backside through the steamed-up shower door. "If you want to see clearly," the ad said, "call an electrician now." The editor, the Rev. Antonio Sciortino, at first defended the ad, but decided to apologize to readers after they "made it clear" the ad upset them. (Reuters)
...Hey, cut him some slack: if he's been following his vows, the photo wasn't something he'd be able to recognize.

***

PANTY RAID: Jennifer Stevanovich, 31, has been sentenced to two years in prison for theft after stealing "thousands of pairs" of Victoria's Secret underwear to sell on eBay. But that's not the end of her legal troubles: the city of Andover, Mass., has charged her with welfare fraud after paying her $117,000 in assistance. What tipped detectives to that crime? "Stevanovich was living in low-income housing in Andover," a District Attorney's spokesman said, "while at the same time driving a [brand new] Mercedes SUV." (Boston Herald)
...In these sorts of cases, it's always about the bottom line.

***

DIVIDE, EH? HOW APTLY NAMED: The newly opened New Life Christian Church in Auburn, Calif., is attracting attention by buying gasoline discounts for church members so they can fuel up their cars at $1.99 per gallon. The idea, says Senior Pastor Bill Jenkins, is to show God is interested in everyday things that affect people's lives. But members of the Church of the Divide in nearby Garden Valley object to the new church's "cheap marketing trick." A sign outside the older church proclaims, "Jesus cares more about your sin and burning in hell than gas prices." A member of the Divide church dismissed the New Life's church reaching out to the community. "They might hear an ear-tingling sermon of what they want to hear, get some coffee and leave." A member of New Life responded, "There are many things to protest in the world, and this is not one of them. It's confusing. Hopefully, we all worship the same God." (Auburn Journal)
...Who needs Satan running around when the churches will simply battle each other?

***

'TIS THE SEASON: "Flying Deer Injures Man near Danville" read the headline. The story: Robert Brooks, 50, driving near Danville, Calif., stopped his car because he thought he had hit a deer. As he was checking his car for damage, another car drove by and hit the deer for sure -- it sent the animal airborne, and it bowled Brooks over. He was left with a broken ankle, and the offending driver didn't even bother to stop. (Pleasanton Tri-Valley Herald)
...Wait'll Santa hears about this.

***

MULTI-MILLION-DOLLAR STUDY FINALLY REVEALS: "During a Tornado, a Mobile Home Is Worst Place to Be; Flee Mobile Homes If You Can, Experts Say"
-- Indianapolis Star headline

______________________________

The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish-English a second language.  Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as the language of many American Jews.  Look for other cities to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles, and Scarsdale.

In Hebronics:  Questions are always answered with questions:

Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebronics response: "How should I feel?"

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis:
Mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle."

These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebronics:

English: "He walks slowly"
Hebronics: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks."

English: "Sorry, I don't know the time"
Hebronics: "What do I look like, a clock?"

English: "I hope things turn out okay"
Hebronics: "You should BE so lucky!"

English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
Hebronics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: "Anything can happen."
Hebronics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"

English: "May I take your plate sir?"
Hebronics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"

English: "It's been so long since you've called."
Hebronics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

English: "Let's not go skiing"
Hebronics: "Mountains, shmountains!  Do I look like a sled to you?

______________________________

DDL

There was a young man from St. Helens
Afflicted with shrinkin's and swellin's.
His dick was so small,
(Hardly there at all)
But his balls looked like honeydew melons.

______________________________

"If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead."
--Gelett Burgess

***

"Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain."
--Carl G. Jung

***

"Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
--A. L. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

***

Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

***

"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it."
--Harry Truman

***

"Al Gore yesterday gave a speech an accused President Bush of repeatedly breaking the law. Al Gore issued the statement into a microphone at Taco Bell."
--Dave Letterman

***

"A strange story out of New Orleans. Mayor Ray Naggin has caused a controversy by saying when New Orleans is rebuilt it will be a chocolate city. He also went on to say that the city will be protected by a system of graham cracker levees."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with a lucky foot."
--Jay Leno

______________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

Falling banana kills woman

From:  By Andrew Carswell

January 21, 2006

SHE survived brutal Nazi and Communist regimes to ultimately be brought down by a banana.

Slovenian migrant Ivanka Perko died in hospital last week in bizarre circumstances - she suffered complications after she dropped a banana on her leg.

Comical to the end, the 73-year-old old quipped to friends and family while on her deathbed: "I can't believe after all this time it was a bloody banana that killed me."

A family friend told The Saturday Daily Telegraph yesterday that Ms Perko - who was treasured by her Blue Mountains community - had been ill for several months with a condition that made her skin delicate and fine.

"She had tried to open a banana and dropped it," the friend said. "The pointy end scraped down her leg and she died from complications."

Even her death notice revealed her strange demise, killed by a falling banana.

**********

Saturday, 21 January 2006, 13:40 GMT 

Prison for Red Bull binge driver 

Drivers have been warned about caffeine excess after a man was jailed for leading police on a 50-mile car chase after drinking 20 cans of Red Bull.

Peter Edwards, 48, from King's Lynn, was jailed for four months on Friday after Norwich Crown Court heard he was pursued across Cambs and Norfolk.

His car was seen "swerving from side to side" across the A10, the court heard.

The AA motoring group said too much caffeine can affect the way you drive.

Andrew Howard, head of road safety for the AA Motoring Trust, said: "The message is that if you take anything as a stimulant, whether it be caffeine or herbal medicines, then you have got to be aware that they ultimately have an effect on you and the way you drive. Caffeine in sensible qualities can help drivers stay alert, but if taken to excess, like many other drugs, it can have strange effects on people."

A spokeswoman for Red Bull said: "Research has proven that just one or two cans of Red Bull can help alleviate the effects of tiredness - there is no added benefit in consuming the product in excessive amounts.

"One can of Red Bull contains the same amount of caffeine as a cup of filter coffee."

**********

January 19, 2006 

Islamic court in Malaysia fines senator for divorcing wife by text message

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia (AP) - An Islamic court in Malaysia has fined a senator the equivalent of $170 Cdn for divorcing his wife by cellphone text message and voice mail.

Senator Kamaruddin Ambok, 52, an official of the ruling party, confessed Thursday to committing the offence against Mahani Hussain, 50, in October 2001, and paid the fine. Under Islamic law in Malaysia - applied only to the majority Muslims in this multiethnic country - it is illegal to divorce outside the Shariah court and without its permission.

"Cases such as this are happening often these days as reported by media," prosecution lawyer Mohammed Yusof Sulaiman told the court. The court must ensure that Islamic laws are adhered to, and give a proper punishment to deter him and others from committing such an offence again."

He said Kamaruddin's wife was left on her own for two months, until the affirmation of divorce was filed in December 2001.

Delivering his sentence, Judge Zainor Rashid Hassin said when Kamaruddin married he went through several Islamic rituals, as mandated by law. "Now, why can't you divorce someone properly as well?"

red neck dog house