Subject: Daily Dose - 060315 - Jim collection

Today's collection courtesy of Jim in Sidney, B.C....

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After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany Larsson O'Neill), a Glasgow couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans so wur no).

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a firework banger available from most east end corner shops all year round, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Glesga Ned in the Charlie Nicholas parlance said to the doctor, "Ah might no be the smartest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help ma no tae huv ony mair weans."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "wan" "twa" "thre" "fower""faive"..... at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS, by the way, and works in Govan, Barrachnie, Garthamlock, Clydebank, Parkhead, Caldercruix,Shettleston, Bishopbrigs, Carmyle, and Barlanark.

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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were camping when they ran out of food.

The brunette went out hunting and came back the next morning with a deer.

"How did you get that?" asked the redhead. "Well", said the brunette "found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the deer".

The next night the redhead went out hunting.

The next morning she came back with a bear.

"How did you get that?" asked the blonde. "Found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the bear", said the redhead.

The third night the blonde went out and the next morning she came back bruised, bloody, and clothes torn.

"What happened?" said the brunette?

The blonde replied, "found the tracks, followed the tracks, got hit by the train."

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A US Citizen's observations:

COWS

Isn't it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around the country.

Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse?

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

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TOP TEN THOUGHTS TO PONDER..........

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich AND give him a beer.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism .

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 : We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

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A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

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An older couple is lying in bed one morning. They had just awakened from a good night's sleep."

"He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asked.

She answered, "Because I'm dead."

The husband asked "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!"

She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insisted, "You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.""

"Remember..."

"Once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed"".""

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""I love cooking with wine."" "
"Sometimes I even put some in the food."

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""I always know... God won't give me more than I can handle.

There are times I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much."

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Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places."

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Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

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Brian, The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released New LP - wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now".

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, world expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the World expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognize any of those!"

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"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant.............................I've just realized I was playing you the bee side."