Subject: Daily Dose - 060314 - Lord of the manor, THIS is TRUE, St. Peter's
door, DDL, Rotten News
The Lord of the manor returned from
his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master
bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir
Archibald Carpley.
The irate Lord stood stiffly and
loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he
reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down
farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and
jewels, and almost anything she desired.
By this time the woman was crying
inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend:
"And as for you Reggie -- you might at least stop while I'm talking!"
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
THEIR REPUTATION IS INTACT: In an
attempt to change their reputation for being brutal and corrupt, federal police
in Mexico offered a summer camp for 3,000 children as young as 6. TV stations
covered the camp activities, and even made national broadcasts of the children
singing a song the police taught them: "I never had a father, and now I
never will, the only one I had, I killed," the kids chanted. Second verse:
"I never had a mother, and now I never will, the only one I had, I put
into a home." And the third: "I never had a sister, and now I never
will, the only one I had, I threw into a ditch." (Reuters)
...But hey: in Spanish it all rhymes really nicely.
***
LEAVE... ME... ALONE! A week after
14 people were sickened by salmonella after eating allegedly tainted "Cake
Batter" ice cream, Cold Stone Creamery unveiled its new ad campaign. New
billboards in Boston, Mass., proclaimed, "Once tasted, never forgotten."
(Boston Herald)
...Sometimes "truth in advertising" isn't really a good thing.
***
DESPERATE EXCUSES: Douglas Kelly,
39, called police in Slidell, La., to report he had been robbed and kidnaped.
He had stopped at a gas station to buy dog food, and robbers locked him in his
trunk, he said. Luckily, he told the cops, he escaped thanks to a release lever
in the trunk. But the gas station doesn't sell dog food, police found, and
Kelly's car's trunk doesn't have a release lever. It took an hour to break him
down: he made up the story, they say he admitted, because he didn't want to
admit to his girlfriend where he really was. The alternate story was "to
insulate himself from the wrath of his pregnant girlfriend finding out" he
had gotten drunk and spent $500 at a strip club, the investigating detective
said. He was charged with falsifying a police report, which carries a $500
fine. (New Orleans Times- Picayune)
...I can hardly wait to hear his explanation for that.
***
DESPERATE EXCUSES II: Teddy Claire
Akin, 28, told sheriff's investigators in Ocala, Fla., that he had killed a
hitchhiker and buried him. He turned over the victim's wallet as evidence, and
police searched unsuccessfully for the body. The story came unraveled when the
supposed victim turned up alive. Then "he started telling different
versions of what happened," a police spokesman said. Police say Akin was
having trouble with his wife, and hoped that the thought of being married to a
murderer would be too much to bear and she'd leave him. He has been charged
with making a false report, plus the theft of the wallet, which he had found.
(Ocala Star-Banner)
...His sentence: 10 more years with his wife.
***
HUH? "Men Do Have Trouble
Hearing Women, Scientists Find"
-- AFP headline
______________________________
There is a knock on St. Peter's
door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his
interview when the man disappears.
A short time later there's another
knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the
man disappears once again.
"Hey, are you playing games
with me?" St. Peter calls after him.
"No," the man's distant
voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me."
______________________________
DDL
They've arrested a monk at St.
Mallory's
For molesting the nuns in the galleries.
"Just doing God's labor
By loving my neighbor -
Nunnilingus is only twelve calories."
______________________________
"I love those signs along the
highway that say, 'Litter Removal Next 2 Miles.' That's when I start chucking
my trash out the window."
--Scott Wood
***
"The sure way to tell if a man
is a bachelor is to check his silverware. If it's chewed up from going through
the garbage disposal a few times, he's for real."
--Nick Arnette
***
"I got a postcard from my
gynecologist. It said, 'Did you know it's time for your annual check-up?' No.
But now my postman does."
--Cathy Ladman
***
According to archaeologists, for
millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to
understand considering how ugly Neanderthal women were.
--Biker Lynn
***
All jobs should be open to
everybody, unless they actually require a penis or vagina.
--Florynce Kennedy
***
The young couple is on their
honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you
won't see me for a while."
"Where're on our
honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where're you going?"
"Nowhere, Sweety," he
says. "Roll over."
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
January 24, 2006
China adult diaper sales soar ahead
of long, crowded holiday train trips
SHANGHAI, China (AP) - Alongside
food and fire crackers, Chinese are adding a new item to their lunar New Year
shopping: Adult diapers.
Sales have soared ahead of the
holiday as travellers prepare for long trips home aboard trains so crowded that
even the toilets are jammed with people, newspapers said Tuesday.
In Foshan, a southern industrial
city with a large migrant population, supermarkets report diaper sales have
risen 50 per cent since the main travel season began on Jan. 14, the papers
said.
The problem arises from the need to
sell twice as many tickets as there are train seats to accommodate the crush of
travellers. Those without seats must find some place - any place - to put
themselves, including in overhead racks, between cars and in the usually
stinking toilets.
Just purchasing a ticket can mean lining
up for hours.
Chinese will this year make around
two billion plane, train, ship and automobile journeys during the 40 days
around the holiday, which this year falls on Jan. 29. Trains carry around four
million people per day over the period.
"The deep-seated concept of a
reunion with families ... prompts people to repeat the journeys, even though
they know clearly how difficult the journeys are," psychologist Pan Hong
was quoted as telling China Daily.
**********
January 23, 2006
Woman cited for littering with lettuce
EASTON, Pa. (AP) - A woman fined
$173.50 for throwing salad greens out of her car says doesn't understand the
fuss.
Dawn Higgins, 47, was cited Oct. 18
while parked outside a Wal-Mart in Lower Nazareth Township in eastern
Pennsylvania.
"Lettuce comes from the ground,
therefore it can go back into the ground," she said. "It's
biodegradable. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong."
Higgins said she took her daughters
and their friend to the store, and they stopped at a McDonald's along the way.
She said she pulled into a parking space to finish her meal but decided not to
eat the half-dozen or so leaves atop her salad.
After failing to appear in court
Dec. 22, Higgins discovered she had been convicted in absentia and owed the
state $173.50. She has appealed to Northampton County Court, where she said she
will call her children and their friend as witnesses.
She also plans to bring along a
salad to show leaves to the judge.
**********
Dairy Exec Fined For Obscene Yogurt
Promotion
POSTED: 11:00 am EST January 20,
2006
SEOUL, South Korea -- Yogurt can be
messy, but obscene?
South Korea's Supreme Court is
upholding the conviction of a dairy company executive accused of getting dirty
with yogurt. The man was fined $5,000 for staging a nude yogurt happening.
Three nude models, who were covered
with flour, squirted each other with yogurt to reveal their bare bodies.
The incident took place at a Seoul
art gallery in 2003. The models were fined lesser amounts.
Korea's Supreme Court ruled the
stunt went too far in promoting a commercial product.
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