Subject: Daily Dose - 060313 - No Laughing Matter, BIZARRE NEWS, Child
Support Agency Forms, DDL, Rotten News
No Laughing Matter
A man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to
laugh".
The doctor replies, "Of course
I won't laugh! That would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of
being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then", says the man,
and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest
penis he has ever seen in his life. Despite his best efforts, he begins
laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to
compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry", he
says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it
happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
The man looks up at the doctor with
sad eyes and says, "It's swollen."
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
You'll Pay the Price for this
Martini
NEW YORK - You know you're in a high
class joint when they want $10,000 for a martini.
New York's historic Algonquin Hotel
is offering a $10,000 martini that comes complete with a loose diamond at the
bottom.
"We haven't had any buyers yet,
but a lot of people are talking about it," said Anthony Melchiorri, the
hotel's general manager.
Not to worry, this pricey beverage
cannot be ordered by mistake. The drink requires 72 hours' notice, and buyers
meet with a jeweler to select a gem and with hotel staff to ensure the cocktail
is delivered to the right table.
Whew, sounds like a lot of work to
me. I think I'll just stick with my $3 Bud Light.
***
Thief Makes Off With Ronald McDonald
LINCOLN, Neb. - A Nebraska
grandmother wants Ronald McDonald returned to her backyard after thieves made
off with the 8-foot fast food icon.
The 8-foot statue of the McDonald's
clown stood behind Marie Siefker's house in Lincoln for 15 years. But last
Saturday, when she pulled into her driveway, the statue was gone.
"That was very
devastating," she told the Lincoln Journal Star. "I don't know who
could be so mean."
Siefker, a longtime McDonald's
employee, acquired Ronald when the restaurant where she worked was redecorated.
The person who was supposed to pick up Ronald failed to show up so she gave him
a good home. Ronald has been a popular figure at birthday parties for her
grandchildren and at Easter egg rolls and other festivities.
She does not know if the thief stole
Ronald as a prank or to sell him to a collector.
***
Key And Key ring Baked In Blueberry
Muffin
BOSTON - A Boston College freshman
got more than she bargained for when she bit a fat-free blueberry muffin she'd
bought at Honey Dew Donuts -- a key and key ring.
Merideth Bolden, 23, of Salem,
Mass., said she was driving through a dark tunnel Monday when she took a bite
of the muffin and got more than filling in her mouth. She also found a key and
a key ring.
"Then I saw it and I cursed
myself for not going to Dunkin' Donuts," Bolden told the Boston Herald.
Bolden wound up with some blueberry
filling on her, but apparently was unhurt.
Honey Dew Donuts officials said they
were investigating how the brass key and key ring got into the muffin and
promised a refund.
***
Lighting Up the Holidays
HOUSTON -- One Texas MBA student is
about to become very popular. While designing a glow-in-the-dark jogging suit,
he was struck with a brilliant idea. Now Beau Carpenter is the proud inventor
of the GloThong.
This illuminating undergarment has
batteries that, when fully charged, light up the straps for two hours in
various neon colors.
This neon thong has already
attracted the attention of eager customers at a strip club. Wall adapters are
available to charge them up, but if you're on the go, the car charger is your
best option.
They'll be available soon and will
cost you about $50.
______________________________
Child Support Agency Forms
The following are all replies that
have been included on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing
father's details.
- Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by
[name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I
believe that he was conceived on the same night. I am unsure as to the
identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when
taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men
that I think were at the party if this helps.
- I do not know the name of the
father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given]
where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember
that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the
father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
- I don't know the identity of the
father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto
heel in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in
this area and see if he's had it replaced.
- I have never had sex with a man. I
am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming that my son's conception was
immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
- I cannot tell you the name of
child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between
doing right by you and doing right by my country. Please advise.
- I do not know who the father of my
child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a
Royal Green Jacket.
- [Name given] is the father of
child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC
CDs?
- From the dates it seems that my
daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
______________________________
DDL
There was a young girl named Ann
Heuser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder - Budweiser.
______________________________
"Exxon recorded record profits
for 2005. Over $36 billion dollars in profits. I'm as shocked as you are. Who
would have thought they would have benefited from selling gas for three dollars
a gallon?"
--Jay Leno
***
"NBC has cancelled their
controversial show "The Book of Daniel". The show had Jesus as a
character. Much like Jesus the show had only 12 followers."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"Experts say this global
warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will
be out of party ice."
--David Letterman
***
"Are you all ready for the
Super Bowl? I got one of those new big-screen video iPods to watch it on. It's
two and a half inches wide."
--Jay Leno
***
"It was reported today that
U.S. military bases will not show 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, during
interrogations, U.S. troops will continue to show 'Deuce Bigalow: European
Gigolo.'"
--Conan O'Brien
***
"Ultimately, Stephen Harper,
the conservative, is the new prime minister, ending 13 years of liberal rule in
Canada. They picked up not as many parliamentary seats as they thought they
might, but they picked up quite a few, more than the liberals. But the real
question on everybody's mind is, can we still stitch their flags on our
backpacks to get through Europe?"
--Jon Stewart
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Porn-Surfing Parole Officer Gets Job
Back, Raise
POSTED: 7:52 am EST January 26, 2006
MADISON, Wis. -- A porn-surfing
Michigan parole officer is getting his job back -- with a raise, too.
Thomas DeLeon was fired in 2004,
after computer logs showed he was surfing the Internet for about four hours a
day. The records also show he was visiting X-rated Web sites while on the job.
His union appealed, saying firing
was excessive for a first-time offense.
But an arbitrator has ruled that
Department of Corrections policy mandated light discipline for a first time
offense, not firing. The arbitrator said DeLeon should have received a one-day
suspension.
The arbitrator said there were 10
similar cases with corrections employees and none was terminated.
Officials of the department say
they're stunned by the ruling. But DeLeon is getting to return to old his job,
along with an automatic pay raise and $45,000 in back pay.
**********
Australian 'Moby sick' find lands
fragrant fortune
Wed Jan 25, 1:25 AM ET
MELBOURNE (Reuters) - An Australian
couple could reap a fragrant fortune after what they thought was an odd-looking
tree stump turned out to be a rare lump of ambergris, a whale excretion used in
perfumes and known as "floating gold".
Loralee and Leon Wright were walking along a remote beach near Streaky Bay in
western South Australia state on a fishing trip three weeks ago when they saw
the strange object. Intrigued, they took a closer look and Leon Wright,
thinking it could have been some kind of cyst from a large marine animal,
suggested they take the 14.75 kg (32 lb) lump home.
"She said 'You're not putting
that thing in my car'," the Australian Broadcasting Corp. quoted marine
ecologist Ken Jury as saying on its Web site (www.abc.net.au)
on Wednesday.
Curiosity eventually got the better
of the Wrights. Unable to find an answer on the Internet, they went back and
got it two weeks later and described it to Jury.
"It immediately struck me as
being ambergris -- it couldn't be anything else," Jury said. "It's
actually belched out by the animal, would you believe, and those few across the
world that have witnessed that or heard it say it's quite remarkable ...
apparently the sound of it travels for miles across the water," he said.
Jury, who is acting for the family,
said ambergris can fetch between $20-$65 (11-37 pounds) a gram, The Age
newspaper reported on Wednesday. That would make the Wrights' find worth at
least $295,000 (165,000 pounds).
Used in perfumes by ancient
Egyptians and mythologised in literary classics like Herman Melville's
"Moby Dick", ambergris is spewed out of the intestines of sperm
whales.
Scientists theorise it is produced
to aid in the removal of hard, sharp objects like squid beaks that whales may
eat.
The waxy, foul-smelling substance is
lighter than water and can float for years, during which time it is cleansed by
the sun and salt water and becomes hard, dark and waxy and develops a rich
musky smell prized by perfumers around the world.
"The Egyptians used it.
Certainly the Chinese did and they not only used it in perfumes, but they used
to eat it and they used to give it as gifts," Jury said.
**********
Holy Hooters! Priest Blesses Wing
Joint
UPDATED: 8:52 am EST January 25,
2006
WACO, Texas -- Hooters has opened in
Waco, with a blessing from a priest.
The Catholic clergyman said a prayer
for a VIP reception at the new eatery in the Texas city.
But other members of the clergy
don't like the idea of Hooters girls wearing low-cut tank tops and short-shorts
while they serve chicken wings. The Rev. Greg Brumit led demonstrators trying
to stop construction months ago. His Kendrick Lane Baptist Church is just a
short distance away.
But Brumit said there won't be any
more protests against Hooters, now that it's open. He said they're leaving
"the rest to the Lord."
