Subject: Daily Dose - 060312 - good news and bad news, THIS is TRUE, simple little test, DDL, Rotten News

John goes to the family doctor for a check up. After he's done the doc says, "I have good news and bad news for you."

John says, "I'll take the good news first."

"Your wife has syphilis," says the G.P.

"How in the name of sweet Jesus is that good news?" asks John.

"You didn't give it to her," replied the doc.

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THIS is TRUE...

HONEY, I'M HOME: Dorothea Thomas, 39, had let her ex-boyfriend into her Jacksonville, N.C., apartment, but jumped off her second-storey balcony, she says, when he pulled a gun. She broke her foot when she landed, and "he was standing right over me shooting," she said. Tyrone Burks, 45, allegedly shot her six times, and was charged with attempted murder. The day after returning home from the hospital, Thomas's landlord posted an eviction notice on her door, claiming she had broken her lease terms by causing a commotion in her attempts to escape being killed. That disturbed "our normally peaceful and quiet environment," said apartment manager Peggy Piche. "I'm here with two bullets still in me, and they are telling me that I have to be out in four days," said Thomas from her bed. She has lived in the apartment for nearly 10 years. (Jacksonville Daily News)
...That "blame the victim" clause will get you every time.

***

"GUILTY," HE SAID IN UNISON: State law in Ohio requires convicted felons to submit a DNA sample for a data base used to help solve crimes. But Elijah Walker, 35, balked at providing a sample after pleading guilty to cocaine possession. "I don't know what you're going to do with it," he complained to the judge in the case. His main fear: the state could use it to clone him. (Cincinnati Enquirer)
...Since everyone knows the one thing society needs is more cokeheads.

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WHO'S THE IDIOT? New York State Assemblyman Willis Stephens has apologized to an Internet discussion group after accidentally sending a message to their entire e-mail list of 285 members. Stephens, who is also an attorney, had meant to send the message to an aide. He says he normally doesn't post messages himself since he prefers to monitor the group, which he described in his e-mail as "watching the idiots pontificate." Group member Peter Hansen, 51, objected to the term "pontificating idiots" since it's an oxymoron, he says, "sort of like an honest politician or an ethical attorney." (White Plains Journal News)
...If Hansen is a typical group member, he's at least proved they're not idiots.

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WHY DO THEY CALL IT "DOPE"? Before a scheduled court appearance in Stamford, Conn., Daniel Garcia, 21, allegedly stashed $1,500 worth of marijuana under a rock -- 100 feet from police headquarters, and under the windows of the Stamford Police narcotics squad. Two hours later he returned to the spot, but the pot was gone. In its place was a note: "You're under arrest. Look up at the police station." Garcia looked up to see two police officers watching him through the window. "He read the note and looked very startled," said Lt. Jon Fontneau, commander of the narcotics division. The officers stepped out to arrest him on drug charges. His father, Armando Garcia, was chagrined at the charge. "I did not train him to be this dumb," he said. (Stamford Advocate)
...Well, how dumb did you train him to be?

***

NO WONDER THEY'RE HAVING TROUBLE -- THEIR ACCOUNTING SYSTEM WAS INSTALLED BACKWARDS: "United [Airlines'] Losses Blamed on Bankruptcy"
-- Denver Post headline

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Here is a very simple little test comprised of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting time... And no cheating!

1: You are competing in a race and overtake the runner lying in second place. In which position are you now?

Answer: If you answered that you're now coming first then you're completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place, therefore you're coming second. For the next question try not to be so dim.

2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?

Answer: If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong. Think about it. How can you over take the person coming last? If you're behind them then they can't be last. The answer is impossible! It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points.

Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous. Take heart!

3: Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20. Plus 1000. And plus 10. What is the total?

Answer: 5000? Wrong again! The correct answer is 4100. Try again with a good calculator. Today is clearly not your day. Although you should manage to get the last question right...

4: Marie's father has five daughters: 1. Chacha 2. Cheche 3. Chichi 4. Chocho Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?

Think quickly... you'll find the answer below.

Answer: Chuchu? WRONG! It's obviously Marie! Read the question again.

______________________________

DDL

There was a young man from St. Paul
Whose cock was exceedingly small.
Now it might do for a keyhole
Or a little girl's peehole
But for a big girl like me - not at all!

______________________________

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
--Emo Philips

***

"I married a younger man. Five years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can't find a good man, raise one."
--Unknown

***

"I have a list I made when I was twelve of things I wanted to do before I die. Omigod...how embarrassing. Number One: Touch a boobie."
--Drew Carey

***

"I have come to realize that we are all truly on our own. Today, my wife yelled, 'What do you want from me? I made you a bowl of cereal!'"
--Paul Alexander

***

My husband came home the other night and said to me, "Guess what hon? They're opening some new Lesbian sex club down the street. They're calling it "The Carpet Exchange."
--Lauren

***

"Tonight President Bush gave the State of the Union address. Here's a fun fact: Historians say that most presidents have started the State of the Union with "The state of the union is strong." President Bush started his tonight with "strongtastic."
--Conan O'Brien

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Rotten News....  (true)

Most Workers Say They Work With Monkeys, Survey Says

POSTED: 6:47 am EST January 30, 2006

CHICAGO -- What drives you bananas on the job?

If you said unprofessional, obnoxious co-workers, you've got company. A CareerBuildeer.com survey found 53 percent of workers asked feel like they work with a bunch of monkeys. Twenty percent think their boss is a monkey.

Of those who think they work in a zoo, 47 percent plan to change jobs in the next two years.

Among the things that make people go ape are the co-worker who constantly e-mails the person who is sitting right next to her, they guy who walks up and randomly scratches other peoples' backs and the slacker caught sleeping on the job more than once who would insist she was praying.

( Monkeys, apes, idiots....   all the same...)

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New York company seeks to make matches in the sky

By Ellen Wulfhorst

Fri Jan 27, 5:02 PM ET

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Hoping to ease the nightmare of flying next to a crashing bore, a company in New York will match like-minded passengers to help make the time fly.

Inspired by a flight where he found himself happily seated next to Miss Texas, company founder Peter Shankman says he set up AirTroductions to give travellers a chance to choose their seatmates.

"It is for anyone who travels who does not want to have to deal with the psychological hell of sitting 2 inches from someone you don't know for eight hours," he said.

To use AirTroductions, travellers register online, listing personal details in a profile. When they post their travelling itineraries, the registry provides information on other people taking the same flights.

The registry is free until a user opts to contact a fellow traveller for a $5 (3 pounds) fee. Typically, they meet in an airport, where they can arrange to sit together, Shankman said. Nearly 4,500 people have enrolled, although only about 60 have made matches since the registry kicked off last fall, he said.

While it's designed for networking, a fair share of the people registered with AirTroductions admit they're looking for dates. Some appear more promising than others.

One man provided his photo, with half his hair shocking pink and the other bright blue. One woman promised she "always smells nice," while another insisted that any seatmate wear full body deodorant spray.

A photographer said he was looking for investors, an executive said he was seeking "engaging conversations" about globalisation and technology and a rabbi said he would like to "schmooze about Judaism."

One woman from Seattle gave a description that could render her either the best -- or worst -- seatmate ever. "I'm that person whose laugh you'll hear over everyone else's: some call it infectious, others just loud," she wrote.

The system allows passengers to note if what they really desire is a seatmate who will leave them alone, he said.

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Sex calms nerves before public speaking - study

Wed Jan 25, 2:55 PM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - Forget pretending you are talking to one person or concentrating on a single point in the audience -- having sex is good way to calm nerves before giving a speech or presentation.

But Stuart Brody, a psychologist at the University of Paisley in Scotland, said it has to be full sexual intercourse to get the best results.

He studied nearly 50 men and women who recorded their sexual activities for two weeks and analysed its impact on their blood pressure levels when under acute stress, such as when giving a speech. Brody discovered that the volunteers who had sexual intercourse were the least stressed and had blood pressure levels that returned to normal more quickly than people who engaged in other types of sex.

But people who had abstained from sex had the highest blood pressure response to stress. Even after taking into account stress due to work or other factors, the range of responses to stress were best explained by sexual behaviour.

"The effects are not attributable simply to the short-term relief afforded by orgasm but rather, endure for at least a week," Brody told New Scientist magazine said on Wednesday.

He believes that the release of the so-called "pair bonding" hormone oxytocin might explain the calming effect.