Subject: Daily Dose - 060311 - Ice Cream Parlor, BIZARRE NEWS, leave out
the fruit, DDL, Rotten News
A man is walking down the street
when he sees a sign that reads, "Ice Cream Parlor: Every Flavor in the
World".
"Bullshit," thinks the man
and walks in. "So you say you have every flavor ice cream in the
world? O.K., I would like three scoops of pussy flavored ice cream,
please."
"No problem, sir."
The assistant gives the man three
scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick. Grimacing,
he says, "This doesn't taste like pussy, it tastes like shit!"
The assistant replies, "Of
course it tastes like shit when you take such long licks!"
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Hitler Oath Earns Man More Jail Time
VIENNA, Austria - A convicted thief
will be spending two extra months in jail for using an oath of loyalty to Adolf
Hitler on his cell phone voice mail greeting.
Prosecutors said the 20-year-old man
had downloaded the oath from the Internet and saved it on his cell phone. The
message claimed: "I swear unswerving loyalty to Adolf Hitler! I swear
absolute obedience! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!"
The defendant said the download was
a "spontaneous act" and he didn't really embrace the meaning of the
oath. However, this didn't stop the court from tacking on an extra two months
to his one year sentence.
***
Diamond-Studded Cake A Real Gem
TOKYO -- A Japanese department store
is offering something extra sweet this holiday season - a diamond-studded, $1.7
million cake.
This sparkling pink creation is on
display at Takashimaya Department Store in central Tokyo. Store spokesman
Takeshi Morinaka said the cake "has already received many inquiries"
from prospective customers.
The double-layer fruitcake is
adorned with a total of 223 diamonds, including a 5-carat, heart-shaped stone.
"It's entirely edible, except
for the diamonds of course," Morinaka said.
***
Fishmerman Hooked On Two-Mouthed
Trout
LINCOLN, Neb. - Clarence Olberding
had quite a surprise when he pulled a rainbow trout out of Holmes Lake last
weekend - the fish he hooked had two mouths.
"I reached down and grabbed it
to take the hook out, and that's when I noticed that the hook was in the upper
mouth and there was another jaw protruding out below," said Olberding.
In 40 years of fishing, Olberding
said he had never seen anything like it. When he hooked the double-mouthed
trout, he called over another angler to have a look. The fish weighed about a
pound.
The second mouth didn't appear to be
functional, Olberding said.
***
You Snooze, You Lose!
TORONTO - If you plan on breaking
into a home, it's not a good idea to fall asleep while you're there.
Police said the tenant returned to
find his basement window broken and called police. Although police found the
house ransacked, a laptop and other valuables, along with 14 bottles of liquor,
were by the back door. They were even more shocked to find a suspect passed out
on the couch.
Apparently, the man, Jonathan
Jabokwoam, had drank some alcohol and watched some TV before passing out and
being caught by police.
"They don't usually curl up and
fall asleep for us," Det. Mike Gurman said. "Most people break in and
want to leave."
______________________________
On an out of town business trip,
after a meeting in the afternoon and the obligatory dinner that evening with
the client, I went to my hotel room, watched some late-night TV and turned in
at about midnight. After tossing and turning for over an hour I decided to give
it up for a time and go down to the hotel bar for a drink.
At that time of night - it was now
close to 1:30 - the bar was almost deserted. As I slid onto a barstool I
noticed a lonely looking guy at the end of the bar just sitting, without a
drink in front of him, just looking down at his hands.
When the bartender roused himself,
came over and asked, "What'll you have?" I replied, "Let me have
a bourbon old fashion, and see what the guy at the end of the bar is
drinking."
When the drinks came, the man at the
end of the bar raised his glass in a gesture of thanks and all was silent for a
time. When I finished my drink I called to the bartender for another, adding,
"But this time, leave out the fruit."
The other guy stiffened, visibly
angry, and shouted, "Screw you mister, I didn't want the first
drink!"
______________________________
DDL
An elderly harlot from Trings
Has fucked the last four Spanish kings.
Says she, "They're all short,
And no good at the sport,
But the queen is a lezzie, and swings."
______________________________
"A number of U.S. colleges are
going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called
dorms."
--Craig Ferguson
***
"Do you know what week this is
in our public schools? I'm not making this up: this week is "national no
name calling week". They don't want any name calling in public schools.
What stupid dork came up with this idea?"
--Jay Leno
***
"I hate waking up every morning
to my alarm. I always bang my head on the steering wheel."
--Scott Wood
***
"It all began with Adam. He was
the first man to tell a joke--or a lie. How lucky Adam was. He knew when he
said a good thing, nobody had said it before. Adam was not alone in the Garden
of Eden, however, and does not deserve all the credit; much is due to Eve, the
first woman, and Satan, the first consultant."
--Mark Twain, 1867
***
"My mom was a ventriloquist and
she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling
me to kill my father."
--Wendy Leibman
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Bat or badger? It's the roadkill
recipe book
Steven Morris
Tuesday January 31, 2006
The Guardian
For most, a squashed hedgehog or
flattened badger lying on the side of the road is a tragic sight - for Arthur
Boyt it is an opportunity for a free, tasty and nutritious meal.
Mr Boyt has spent the last 50 years
scraping carcasses from the side of the road and chucking them, together with a
few herbs and spices, into his cooking pot.
The retired civil servant has
sampled the delights of weasel, rat and cat. His most unusual meal was a
greater horseshoe bat, which he reckons is not dissimilar in taste to grey
squirrel, if the comparison helps. Fox tends to repeat on him. He has tucked
into labrador, nibbled at otter and could not resist trying porcupine when he
came across a spiky corpse while on holiday in Canada.
Yesterday Mr Boyt (favourite snack:
badger sandwich) announced he is ready to share the secrets of his curious
culinary success with a wider audience and is writing a roadkill recipe book.
Mr Boyt, 66, from north Cornwall,
insisted the creatures were not a health threat if properly butchered and
cooked. He said: "It's good meat for free and I know nobody has been
messing with it and feeding it with hormones. By writing a book I hope to show
people it's perfectly normal and healthy to eat."
Hedgehog spaghetti carbonara (serves four)
500g spaghetti, 30ml olive oil, 250g
lean hedgehog, 1 medium onion (chopped), 125ml water, 60ml dry white wine, 4
eggs, 60ml double cream, 100g grated parmesan cheese · chop hedgehog into small
chunks
· beat eggs and cream together in a
bowl. Add half the parmesan cheese
· put pasta in boiling water
· put onions and hedgehog chunks in
pan with olive oil on medium heat until onions are almost clear
· add wine and reduce heat
· drain pasta when cooked, combine
it with egg, cream and cheese mix
· add meat, onions and wine without
draining fat and mix thoroughly
· garnish with remaining parmesan.
Serve immediately
**********
January 31, 2006
Auction for Australian blokes'
weekend sets off online bidding war
SYDNEY, Australia (AP) - An offer of
beer, sausages and a chat with four Aussie blokes has set off a bidding frenzy
on the Australian EBay online auction site.
Their pitch is simple - an offer of
no-questions-asked camaraderie.
"We'll be your best mates -
instantly!" they say. "You won't have to try and impress us. We don't
even care who you are. And you'll get to experience the thrills and spills of
hanging out with four good blokes in a relaxing, sun-filled environment."
Included in the winning bid is a bit
of food, some drink and some conversation, but not much else.
"We won't fly you here. Heck,
we won't even pay for your bus fare," they say in their EBay message.
"What we WILL do is guarantee you some beers, some snags (sausages), some
good conversation and a hell of a lot of laughs."
By Tuesday afternoon, there had been
101 bids for the weekend in inner-city Sydney and with more than three days
left, the price already had soared to 60,130 Australian dollars (about $52,000
Cdn).
The four Aussie blokes did not
immediately respond to an e-mail seeking an interview but in a written response
to questions, EBay.com.au said the listing was attracting some not entirely serious
bids.
"The humorous nature of this
particular listing and the significant media coverage it has received has
resulted in some overexcited bidders treating it in the same vein as the
listing itself," the company said. "The seller is cancelling those
bids that are not serious and is urging the public to only make a bid if they
are a serious buyer."
The men also say they may be visited
during the weekend by an international guest and offer the tantalizing
possibility it may be somebody famous.
"Will it be a celebrity?
Maybe," they say. "What about a sporting legend? It could be."
**********
Crossing Guard Under Fire For Waving
POSTED: 1:41 pm EST January 30, 2006
LAWRENCE, Kan. -- A school crossing
guard is now smiling at drivers, but she is not waving after one man complained
to her supervisor that it was too distracting.
Since August, Sharon White, 62, has
been helping children cross Kensington Road on their way to Prairie Park
Elementary School, KMBC-TV in Kansas City reported.
When she wasn't walking, she waved
to drivers. But one man gave her greetings a chilly reception, claiming that
her waving was distracting drivers, making it unsafe for the children. He went
to police, asking her to stop.
"So now, I know try to
acknowledge those who wave and try not to disturb those who don't," White
said.
White smiled instead of waving at
drivers Monday. She said that her supervisor with the police department told
her it would be best if she stopped waving.
But Sgt. Dan Ward said that the
department would never order an employee to not be friendly or wave to the
public.
About 60 people, including students,
staff and parents carried signs Friday at the intersection that said,
"Save the wave."
The television station reported that
the man who called police drove by the intersection Monday morning videotaping
White.
