Subject: Daily Dose - 060306 - whorehouse, THIS is TRUE, flatulence, DDL, Rotten News

A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front,and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets.

A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?"

The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops."

"Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too."

A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little, old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?"

She looks him right in the eye and winks, "As long as they keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em."

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THIS is TRUE...

DING-A-LING: Denell Heller was watching out her New Berlin, Wisc., window and commenting on the irritating tune spewing from an ice cream truck as it drove by: "Pop Goes the Weasel". When she saw the driver toss something on her lawn she called the police. "I told them I don't want him in my neighborhood if he's going to litter," she said. An officer stopped by and picked up the object -- an empty malt liquor can -- and tracked down the treat vendor nearby. David A. Blundell, 43, admitted tossing the can, but insisted he had only drunk one beer, for breakfast, two hours before. Police say Blundell, a registered sex offender, failed a field sobriety test and blew .23 percent on a Breathalyzer test. He was charged with drunk driving -- and littering -- and released on bail. When he didn't show up for court to face the charges, a warrant was issued for his arrest. (Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel)
...And when the police catch up with him, they'll pop the weasel.

***

WAR GAMES: Gary McKinnon, 39, of London, England, faces extradition to the United States, which says he perpetrated the "biggest military computer hack of all time." McKinnon admits he penetrated U.S. military and NASA computers trying to get information on UFOs -- and learned all sorts of secrets. Like what?, a reporter asked him. "I found a list of officers' names, under the heading 'Non-Terrestrial Officers'," plus "a list of ship names. I looked them up. They weren't U.S. Navy ships. What I saw made me believe they have some kind of spaceship, off-planet." What sort of names did the ships have? "I can't remember. I was smoking a lot of dope at the time." (London Guardian)
...What sort of names did the ships have? Maui Wowie, Amsterdam Skunk, and Piccadilly Puff.

***

WORD UP: The U.K.'s High Court has upheld the ruling of a court in Leicestershire, England, that OKs racial abuse -- sort of. The case stems from messages that Leslie Collins of Leicester left on the answering machine of his MP. Judges ruled that while the messages were clearly offensive since epithets such as "wog", "pakis" and "black bastard" were included, no one from the identified minorities were likely to hear the words, and thus could not be offended by them. Office workers who played the recordings said they were upset at hearing them, but both courts ruled that no crime was committed because those workers were not minorities. (London Telegraph)
...In a later development, several London newspapers were charged with crimes for reporting the story.

***

"ETHICAL" DEFINED: After more than 100 dead dogs were dumped in a trash dumpster over four weeks, police in Ahoskie, N.C., kept an eye on the trash receptacle behind a supermarket. Sure enough, a van drove up and officers watched the occupants throw in heavy plastic bags. They detained the two people in the van and found 18 dead dogs in plastic bags in the dumpster, including puppies; 13 more dead dogs were still in the van. Police say the van is registered to the headquarters of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, and the two occupants, Andrew B. Cook, 24, and Adria Joy Hinkle, 27, identified themselves as PETA employees. An autopsy performed on one of the dogs found it was healthy before it was killed. Police say PETA has been picking up the animals -- alive -- from North Carolina animal shelters, promising to find them good homes. Cook and Hinkle have been charged with 62 felony counts of animal cruelty. In response to the arrests PETA President Ingrid Newkirk said it's against the group's policy for employees to dump animals in the trash, but "that for some animals in North Carolina, there is no kinder option than euthanasia." (Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald)
...Oops, my mistake: that's "Playing God" Defined.

NOT EVEN! "County Gives Suckers a Break"
-- Grand Junction (Colo.) Sentinel headline

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I lay there unconscious next to my wife in bed one morning, when a sudden tremendous burst of flatulence did vibrate out of my ass.

The expulsion half woke me. But before I could fall back into slumber, my wife reaches for the night stand. She picks up the telephone receiver, and in a bleary voice says, "Hello?" I look over at her.

She was obviously confused at the dial tone she was hearing.

And then the realization hit me. She had answered my fart.

______________________________

DDL

A novelist from Tortilla Flats
Repeatedly buggered stray cats.
The alley-fence howls
As he stirred up their bowels
Enormously pleased the town rats.

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"Today NASA launch it first ever mission to Pluto. President Bush is very excited about this. I didn't even know Pluto had oil. Did you know there was oil on Pluto?"
--Jay Leno

***

"Well, I hope tonight's show turns out better than last night's show. Oh my God, halfway through last night's show, Judge Alito's wife ran out in tears."
--David Letterman

***

"That night is the most romantic we guys get. I remember when I asked my wife to marry me, I got down on my knee and I was shaking a little stick and I went, 'Ooops, that's not the color we're looking for, is it, Honey?' I get teary-eyed just thinking about it."
--Jack Coen

***

"Here is an odd story. A dentist in Britain has been banned from practicing dentistry after she allowed her unlicensed and untrained boyfriend to perform dental work on patients. How amazing is that? They have dentists in Britain? Who knew?"
--Jay Leno

***

"Did you see the "Skating With Celebrities" show tonight? What a great show. At the end of the show Tonya Harding shot Robert Blake."
--Dave Letterman

***

"Former Vice President Al Gore gave a passionate 10 minute speech where he criticized President Bush for, quote, repeatedly breaking the law. Those who heard the speech called it the worst elevator ride ever."
--Conan O'Brien

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Rotten News....  (true)

Australia at Risk of a Bed Bug 'Pandemic'

SYDNEY, Australia - Planning a vacation to Australia? Consider bringing your own bedsheets. Pest control operators have reported a 1,000 percent increase over the last four years in the number of bed bug infestations reported and treated, according to Stephen Doggett, a head scientist with the Department of Medical Entomology at Sydney's Westmead hospital.

Doggett said Australia and other countries are at risk of a "worldwide pandemic" of bed bugs, due largely to an increase in the number of tourists arriving from developing countries where the biting bugs are common.

"Bed bugs have been an ongoing problem in Third World nations and so it's likely that, just because of the huge amount of people movement, there's been a great opportunity for bed bugs to be carried round the world," Doggett said.

He said a number of hotels and backpacker hostels have been forced to temporarily close to eradicate the pests.

But Peta Irvine from the Australian Hotels Association said labeling the problem a pandemic was an exaggeration.

"I think that's probably overstating the situation," Irvine said. "Certainly we have had incidents of them in hotels in Australia and hotels have been really proactive in addressing the problem," she added.

"Unless you start screening people at the borders and start screening their clothing and baggage, you can't stop them coming in," Irvine said.

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February 2, 2006 

Saudi cargo worker falls asleep in Jeddah, wakes up freezing in Turkey

ISTANBUL, Turkey (AP) - It was a short flight, and Muhammet Ahmet Mursi slept almost the whole way. No leg room complaints. No cramped seats. No annoying intercom announcements.

Only the heat wasn't on and it started to get a little cold. Cold enough to make Mursi wake up. Cold enough to make him realize he was in the cargo hold. Cold enough that he screamed so loud the pilots heard him.

Mursi, a cargo worker in Saudi Arabia, fell asleep on the job Wednesday night as he loaded the suitcases of Muslim pilgrims from Turkey on a Turkish Airlines flight from the Saudi port city of Jeddah to the southeastern Turkish city of Diyarbakir.

Mursi woke up somewhere over southeastern Turkey, television station NTV reported Thursday. He managed to make himself heard from among the boxes and suitcases he was stretched out on, prompting the pilots to pump him some hot air.

Bearded, wearing all orange and on a stretcher, Mursi was seen being taken from an airport in Diyarbakir, Turkey, for medical treatment at a local hospital.

Yusuf Yagmur, a doctor, said Mursi was suffering from pneumonia.

He will be returned to Saudi Arabia, probably on a seat, when his treatment is complete, NTV said.

**********

February 2, 2006 

Songbirds in Vienna not killed by bird flu, experts say, but drunken flying

VIENNA, Austria (AP) - Experts who conducted tests on 40 songbirds found dead in Vienna say they didn't die of bird flu as initially feared, but slammed into windows after becoming intoxicated from eating fermented berries.

The birds, whose remains were carefully examined to ensure they were not victims of avian influenza, had livers so diseased "they looked like they were chronic alcoholics," Sonja Wehsely, a spokeswoman for Vienna's veterinary authority, told Austrian television Thursday.

All died of broken necks after slamming into windowpanes, apparently after gorging themselves on berries that had begun to rot, turning the juice inside to alcohol, Wehsely said. She said the juice probably continued to ferment as the birds digested the berries, causing them to become disoriented and fly into the panes.

Their discovery last month in a residential neighbourhood of Vienna had triggered concerns that bird flu had reached the Austrian capital.

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Friday, 3 March 2006, 13:57 GMT 

Seized gollies returned to store 

Police in Herefordshire say they will not be charging a store owner after removing three toy golliwogs from his shop window. The toys were removed from a display at Pettifer's in Bromyard after someone complained they were offensive.

Officers said the items will be returned but store owner Donald Reynolds will be advised about the sensitivities of displaying them. Mr Reynolds said he would continue to sell them.

He said he had not received any complaints about the toys, which had been on display for two weeks, before they were seized. He decided to sell them after altering his shop to include gifts for sale.

"I thought they would be good sellers and they were. Within ten minutes of putting them out I sold two of them," he said.

West Mercia Police said the toys were seized under section 5 of the Public Order Act which makes it an offence to display anything which could be deemed as threatening, abusive or insulting.

It added no further action would be taken.