Subject: Daily Dose - 060304 - answering machine messages, BIZARRE NEWS, ran all the way home, DDL, Rotten News

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Phil'.

______________________________

BIZARRE NEWS...

Mistakes From New English Language Students

"I was walking to school and suddenly a beautiful woman cut my eye."

"She said she doesn't like fringe kissing. She prefers kissing men without tongues."

"He always erupts before I am finished talking."

"We were lovers, but now she is my biggest enema!"

"My father met us at the airport and gave me a big hog. Then he hogged my wife."

"We live on the sex floor. Our apartment is small but we have a nice view."

"He lifted the veal off her face and gave her a big kiss."

"Unfortunately, the school board was forced to cut fifteen percent off all teachers."

"Do you like this food? I made it from scratching!"

"I like you. My other tutor won't correct my grandma."

"It was so exciting to watch! The cheerleaders threw up high into the air."

"Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful about that. Once a car starts lusting, there's no way to stop it."

"You can't sleep with me because it is too crowded. But you can probably sleep with my sister. That's what most of my friends do when they visit.

[Courtesy of www.innocentenglish.com]

***

Man Plants Anger In Hearts Of Mourners

BENTON, Arkansas - A 29-year-old man found a cheap way to landscape his home - he stole flowers and trees from a cemetery and planted them in his yard.

Mourners at the Ten Mile Cemetery in Benton recently noticed flowers disappearing from their loved ones' gravesites, and decided to plant hidden video cameras to catch the thief in action. Mourner Marcus White's camera captured William Alan Heveran allegedly making off with a tree from one of the graves.

Heveran later told investigators that he took the tree and flowers because he was depressed. Sheriff Phil Mask said the man was planting the items in his home's flower beds and walkways.

***

To The Pot Cave!

HARTSVILLE, Tenn - It wasn't a scene out of a Hollywood action movie, but the pot growing operation busted by Tennessee drug investigators could have passed for one.

Prosecutors say a cave discovered beneath an A-frame home was fully equipped with sophisticated gear for lighting, irrigation and even humidity control. According to police, the underground pot cave was capable of producing 100 pounds of high-quality drugs every couple of months.

The cave was only accessible by secret entrances from the house or through a tunnel big enough to fit a car. Authorities report arresting three suspects.

***

Toilet Paper Vendor's Revenge Gets Clogged

BOSTON - A Boston-area man who glued toilet paper dispensers shut in a school after losing the washroom supply contract may have torn off more than he can flush.

Police in Beverly, Mass., said they know who their suspect is, but won't release his name until he has been formally charged with criminal trespass and damaging a school building, the Boston Herald reports.

Briscoe Middle School committee vice president Michael Tallo said the man lost the school contract a month ago, and despite security, managed to enter one of the boys' washrooms with a tube of super-glue, which was then applied to the dispenser locks and making them useless.

"It's clearly not adult behavior," Tallo said. Students noticed the man in their washroom and told teachers.

***

Big Man, Small Heart

BUFFALO, N.Y. - A 6-foot, 2-inch tall, 250-pound robber was not content to rob just a mother's purse -- he grabbed her toddler's purse too.

Karley Felschow won't be 2 until Dec. 29, but she's been robbed at gunpoint by a robber who wanted the tiny pink "Disney Princess" purse the little girl was clutching.

Lorenzo Brewer, 23, was arrested after a security guard chased him -- just after he allegedly pressed a handgun in the chest of 25-year-old Patricia Felschow and took her purse -- and her daughter's purse -- in front of her apartment house.

"I was really surprised when he took Karley's purse, too. Who takes a little pink purse from a 1-year-old girl?" the mother asked.

Although the two purses were recovered, the $315 Christmas money that Patricia Felschow had earned working overtime was missing.

______________________________

The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted.

“What happened, Honey?” asked his wife.

“It’s a great new idea I have,” he gasped. “I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved 50 cents.”

“That wasn’t to smart,” replied his wife. “Why didn’t you run behind a taxi and save five dollars?”

______________________________

DDL

Planting a gorgeous young maid in a tree,
The woodcutter began a sexual spree.
 She cried "Shift your whopper,
 You nearsighted limb-lopper!"
"That's a moss covered knothole, not me!"

______________________________

"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid."
--P. J. O'Rourke

***

"Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way."
-- Harry Hill

***

"Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off."
--Buzz Nutley

***

"Judge Samuel Alito was confirmed to the Supreme Court today. President Bush said that Sam has the intellect necessary to bring a lot of class to the court. Like the rest of the judges are sitting around in their underpants eating Cheetos."
--Jay Leno

***

"President Bush gave the State of the Union address last night. It was around 9:00 PM. Which means he wore his pajamas under his suit."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"The hunting season in New York has begun. I love hunting season. And what is more American than accidentally shooting your drinking buddy?"
--David Letterman

______________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

Kuwait holds Gulf-wide camel race with robot jockeys

Sun Feb 5, 12:31 PM ET

KUWAIT (Reuters) - Kuwait on Sunday held the first regional camel race using robots as riders after child jockeys were banned from the lucrative sport following criticism by human rights groups.

Teams from the six Gulf Arab states participated in the race held on the dusty tracks of a racing club outside the capital Kuwait City.

"We hope this sport, which is part of our cultural heritage, will be spared from suspicion," said Kuwait's Energy Minister Sheikh Ahmad al-Fahd al-Sabah who opened the five-day championship.

The remote-operated robots are shaped like small boys. Rights groups said thousands of boys, some as young as four, worked as jockeys in the wealthy Gulf Arab region where camel racing is a lucrative and popular sport. Last year, Kuwait, Qatar and the United Arab Emirates banned child jockeys.

**********

Russia 'running low on vodka'

Friday, February 3, 2006; Posted: 10:20 a.m. EST (15:20 GMT)

Stocks of Russian vodka are running out, say suppliers. 

MOSCOW, Russia (Reuters) -- Russians could suffer a shortage of their national tipple next week because a bureaucratic mix-up has brought every vodka distillery in the country to a halt, producers say.

Distillers have been waiting since January 1 for tax authorities to send them new excise stamps -- the anti-counterfeit stickers that by law must be attached to every bottle of vodka.

"We are selling vodka left over from last year but those stocks are getting smaller all the time," said Vera Bragina, a spokeswoman for Russia's Smirnov Trading House. "The situation is pretty much under control but if in the next week or so (we do not receive the stamps) then there will be problems," she added. "There is a threat (to supplies)."

Each Russian consumes 14 liters of alcohol a year -- most of it in the form of neat vodka, consumed in the traditional style by draining the glass in one gulp.

It is illegal to produce or sell vodka without an excise stamp that corresponds to the year in which it was produced.

Alcohol has been a central part of Russian culture for centuries. Legend has it that 11th century Russian ruler Vladimir said: "Russia's mirth is drinking. We cannot live without it."

When former Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev introduced strict limits on vodka sales in the 1980s to combat rampant alcoholism, some people turned to drinking eau de cologne.

Smirnov vodka has no connection to the Smirnoff brand owned by drinks giant Diageo.

**********

February 4, 2006 

Man who signs name as God may have to surrender his driver's license

READING, Pennsylvania (AP) - A man who signs his name as God may have to surrender his driver's license.

The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation told Paul Sewell in a letter Tuesday that he would have to turn over the license if he didn't provide his birth certificate and Social Security card to the agency by Feb. 14. The letter came less than a week after the Berks County Elections Board questioned Sewell's God signature on a voter registration form.

State law requires a driver to write his usual signature on the license. The law also states the department can cancel a license if the licensee was not entitled to it, if the person failed to give required or correct information, if the person committed fraud in obtaining the license or if the license has been materially altered.

Sewell, a self-employed bond enforcement agent, has said he signs official documents as God because fugitives always preface their comments with "Oh, God," when he captures them. He said his co-workers thought that was funny and took to calling him God.

In his appeal to the court, he said "I do not know why they are cancelling my driver's license that I have had at age 16. Now I am 40."

He signed his appeal, God.

Sunny Florida, My Ass...