Subject: Daily Dose - 060301 - Another collection from George

Today's collection from George in Winnipeg, again...

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Water

* WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia colic bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Doo Doo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to STOP doing so, it has been scientifically proven that it is UNHEALTHY and BAD for you.

WATER = Doo Doo
ALCOHOL = HEALTH

Free yourself of Doo Doo, drink ALCOHOL!!!

It is better to drink alcohol and talk Doo Doo than to drink water and be full of shit.
HERE ENDITH THE LESSON*

______________________________

BUYING A BRA

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But that day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
Then' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat.

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off and you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really can't be right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta' took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
...

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.

______________________________

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would  stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.

The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make  him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

***

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First  Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety  seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!'

It worked."

***

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a  bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting  better, isn't he?"

______________________________

You may not know this, but many nonliving things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see  right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm  them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, be cause they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?  But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

______________________________

Some people are like Slinkies.

They're really good for nothing. But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

______________________________

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2005:

CRACK FOUND ON GOVERNOR'S DAUGHTER
[Imagine that!]

***

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

***

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[ That'll stop 'em. ]

***

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

***

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

***

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]

***

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

***

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

***

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

***

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

***

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

***

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges !
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

***

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]

***

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

***

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

***

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

***

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

***

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

***

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

__________________________

Getting Older

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

An elderly  woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.