Subject: Daily Dose - 060222 - John's Collection
Today's collection courtesy of John
in Vancouver...
********
My New Car!!!!
I had just got my new GMC Yukon
Denali yesterday and had to return it to the dealer the next day complaining
that I couldn't figure out how to work the radio.
The salesman explained that the
radio is voice activated. "Watch this!" he said.
"Nelson!" The radio replied "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued!
and immediately On The Road Again came from the speakers.
I drove away happy, and for the next
few days, every time I'd say Beethoven I'd get beautiful classical music.
If I said Beatles I'd get one of their classics.
Today a couple ran a red light and
nearly smashed my new Denali. I swerved in time to avoid them.
"ASSHOLES!" I yelled.
Immediately the FRENCH NATIONAL
ANTHEM started to play, sung by PAUL MARTIN; backed up by BELINDA STRONACH,
with JEAN CHRETIEN on guitar; ANN MACLELLAN on drums and ADRIAN CLARKSON
playing the keyboard.
The anthem was immediately followed
by their version of TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN!!!!
______________________________
LITTLE BRUCE AND JENNY
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10
years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide
that they want to get married, so BRUCE goes to Jenny's father to ask him for
her hand.
BRUCE bravely walks up to him and
says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for
her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the
cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, BRUCE, you are only
10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to
think about it, BRUCE replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than
mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just
adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you
live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support
Jenny."
Again, BRUCE! instantly
replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10
bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just
fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a
little shocked that BRUCE has put so much thought into this. He thinks
for a moment trying to come up with something that BRUCE won't have an answer
to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well, BRUCE, it seems like you
have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for
you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your
own?"
BRUCE just shrugs his shoulders and
says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith doesn't think the
little shit is adorable anymore.
______________________________
FREQUENT FLYER
A guy sitting at an airport bar in
Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to
himself she must be a flight attendant....so gorgeous....which airline does she
work for?
Hoping to gain her attention he
leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it
shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare
and he immediately thought to himself, not Delta.
A moment later, another slogan
popped into his head.
He leaned toward her again,
"Something special in the air?
She gave him the same confused
look. He mentally scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next, he tried the United slogan,
"I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman savagely turned
on him ..."What the f ** k do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in
his chair and said, "Ah ha! Air Canada!"
______________________________
Newfie Lawsuit
Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks.
"Wid all them there lawsuits going on I'm feeling kinda left out. How do I
get in on some of that action? I hear that people are suing the cigarette
companies 'cause they got cancer, and others are suing the Big Mac company
cause they got themselves fat."
His lawyer asks, "And which one
of those categories do you fit under?"
The dear ole Newfie, God bless his
soul answers ...."Neider bye, I just wanna know if I can sue Labatt's for
all the ugly women I've slept with."
______________________________
A young man named Mike applied for
an engineering position at a Newfoundland firm based in St. John's.
A Mainlander applied for the
position too and both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to
take the same standard test by the company manager.
Upon completion, both men missed
getting a perfect score by only getting one wrong answer.
The company manager went over to
Mike and said, "Thank you for applying for the position but we have
decided to give it to the Mainlander."
"And why would ye be doing
dat?" asked Mike. "We bote get nine of de questions roight. Dis being
de Rock, and me a Newfie, I tink I should be gettin' de jab!"
The manager then replied, "We
based our decision, not on the correct answers, but on the one that you
missed."
Mike says "And jest how could
one answer be more wrong dan anudder?"
"Simple", replied the
manager. "On question number seven, the Mainlander wrote down "I
don't know."
You put down "Needer do I"
______________________________
The blind school are off on their
annual outing. It's a long trip to the seaside, so the coach driver decides to
stop at a pub halfway so he and the sighted helpers can grab a drink and
something to eat.
The landlord sees the party
approaching and is a little perturbed at the sattey aspect of so many blind
people in his pub at one time. No it's alright says the leader of the group, I
notice you have a large field next door, they can go off and play football.
The landlord raises an eyebrow,
wondering how blind people can play football. It's OK explains the group
leader, they have a special football with bells inside so they can hear where
the ball is even thouigh they can't actually see it.
The landlord agrees and they go
inside leaving the rest to carry on with their football match. Twenty minutes
later one of the locals rushes in and says to the landlord, quick call an
ambulance, call the police.
The landlord is taken aback and
enquires as to what's going on.
Well I've no idead how it all kicked
off says the local, but we were out in the beer garden when all a sudden this
mob dives in and starts kicking seven shades of Sh*t out of the morris dancers.
______________________________
A man goes into a library and asks
for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off,
you won't bring it back."
______________________________
A Story About Woodies
A Hawaiian Woodpecker and a Canadian
woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees...
The Hawaiian woodpecker said that
they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker challenged
him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian
woodpecker was in awe.
The Canadian woodpecker then
challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a Canadian tree that was absolutely
unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it
and accepted the challenge.
After flying to Canada, the Hawaiian
woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now
confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian
tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree when
neither one was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpeckering, they both
came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when
you're away from home.
______________________________
Love Making Tips for Seniors
1. Put on your glasses. Double
check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
Push RED BUTTON Or YELL