Subject: Daily Dose - 060220 - definitely, BIZARRE NEWS, tranquilizers,
DDL, Rotten News
A teacher decides that she is going
to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word
is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without
a doubt." She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the
word in it.
She calls on little Susan who is in
the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The
sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her,
"Well, that's a good sentence, but sometimes the sky is gray, and
sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink. So the sky is not
definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on
him.
Tom answers, "The water is
definitely clear."
"Well, Tom, that's a good
sentence, but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and
sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little
Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the
teacher.
"Can I ask a question,
teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely
shit in my pants."
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Celebrity Quotes
[Okay I stole these from The
Mouthpiece, but they're too good not to share..]
"Clinton lied. A man might
forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no
matter how bad it is."
(Barbara Bush - Former US First Lady)
"Women might be able to fake
orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
(Sharon Stone)
"I read somewhere that 77 per
cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by
the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
(Jerry Garcia - Grateful Dead)
"Instead of getting married
again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
(Rod Stewart)
"On the one hand, we'll never
experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
(Bruce Willis - On the difference between men and women)
"There are only two reasons to
sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious
to meet people who do."
(Henry Kissinger - former US Secretary of State)
"My girlfriend always laughs
during sex no matter what she's reading."
(Steve Jobs - Founder: Apple Computers)
"My cousin just died. He was
only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
(Dan Rather - News anchorman)
"I saw a woman wearing a
sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
(Arnold Schwarzenegger)
"Hockey is a sport for white
men. Basketball is a sport for Black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed
like black pimps."
(Tiger Woods)
"Women complain about
premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I
can be myself."
(Roseanne)
"In the last couple of weeks I
have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country?
Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"
(Hugh Grant)
"There's a new medical crisis.
Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex
condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
(Dustin Hoffman)
"There's very little advice in
men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me
somebody naked."
(Jerry Seinfield)
***
PETA Ad Attepts To Kill Children's
Desire For Meat
Look out kids - your daddy's a
killer! At least that's what People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or
PETA, would like children to believe.
Their disturbing new campaign is an
effort to scare children into becoming vegetarians. The group, known for such
antics as attacking women in fur coats with fake blood, is now making comic
books that portray fathers as homicidal maniacs.
Their handout, called "Your
Daddy Kills Animals," features a grinning crazy man gutting a fish, and
warns youngsters to keep their puppies and kittens away from Dad because he's
"hooked on killing."
***
Judge Says 'Urine Trouble Now!'
FOND DU LAC, Wis. - A judge in Fond
du Lac, Wis., is making people who urinate in public apologize in writing to
the city's residents and downtown business owners.
The Fond du Lac Reporter publishes
the letters - like the one in which Michael Huebner of Madison, Wis., wrote:
"I am so terribly sorry for urinating outside of a public place in your
city. It was not a very intelligent thing to do."
The convicted leaker added,
"I'm really sorry for having to waste space in The Reporter so you can
read this."
Nick Vogt got busted in his
hometown. In his letter, he promised to "make sure that, in the future, I
will act in a more appropriate way."
***
Mice In Bread Incident In Poor Taste
DEVIZES, England - A British bakery
that admitted to selling a loaf of bread containing two baby mice, droppings
and hair was fined $12,000 in England Thursday.
Magistrates also ordered British
Bakeries to pay $6,000 in court costs after it pleaded guilty to supplying food
unfit for human consumption, the BBC said.
The loaf of sliced brown bread was
purchased by a 41-year-old woman in Marlborough in September last year. One
judge said he found the incident particularly distasteful.
"We feel this offence was made
more serious because of the nature of the contamination which involved newborn
rodents being found in the bread," he said upon sentencing.
Among the bakery's numerous national
brands is Teletubbies Tubby Toast.
______________________________
The young mother was advised by a
psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am
going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to
start taking regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist
asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"
"Oh, yes" the mother
answered. "They do wonders for me."
"And how is your son now?"
he asked.
"Who cares?" she replied.
______________________________
DDL
From the crypt of the church of St.
Giles
Came screams that were heard round for miles.
"Oh bloody good gracious"
Cried Father Ignatius,
"I forgot that his lordship had piles."
______________________________
"Just when you thought things
couldn't get uglier at the White House...yesterday, Prince Charles and Camilla
showed up. Prince Charles said today that he wants sit down with President Bush
and negotiate a settlement where we take back Madonna."
--Jay Leno
***
"The New York City Marathon is
coming up. It's not the hardest marathon. I believe it's the only marathon with
smoke breaks."
--David Letterman
***
"Political experts say that
because President Bush has been having so much trouble with domestic issues,
his advisors are telling him to focus more on international issues. As a
result, today President Bush had breakfast at the International House of
Pancakes."
--Conan O'Brien
***
Q: What do the Chicago White Sox and
Bobby Brown have in common?
A: Regular Houston beatings!
***
"Guys, learn this: even if
you're just living with a woman you're not even married to -- give up any
thought of being involved in interior decoration of the place you're going to
live in. All your beer stuff, your sports mirrors, put them in storage. I've
been to Wayne Gretsky's house, he's got five MVP trophies, and you know where
they are? They're in the fucking garage."
--Denis Leary
***
"I'm not a fatalist. But even
if I were, what could I do about it?"
-- Emo Philips
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
EPA Targets Chocolate Scent in
Chicago
By MICHAEL TARM, Associated Press
Writer
Thu Nov 24, 6:42 PM ET
CHICAGO - For decades, commuters and
tourists have delighted in the mouthwatering smells wafting over the city from
the Blommer Chocolate Co. factory. Now, that aroma is about to disappear,
courtesy of federal regulators.
The family-run company, which makes chocolate liquor and cocoa butter among
other products, was cited by the U.S. Environmental
Protection Agency for violating clean-air regulations and is now installing
equipment that will reduce its emissions — and stop the smell.
"It'll start to go away as we
put pollution abatement equipment in place," Vice President Rick Blommer
told The Associated Press.
The demise of the rich smell
spilling from the cocoa bean processing plant will be a bitter loss for
Chicago, said odor researcher Alan Hirsch, head of the Chicago-based Smell and
Taste Treatment and Research Foundation.
"Chocolate smells put people in
a relaxed state," Hirsch said. "It's been shown bad odors increase
aggression; pleasant ones make people more docile. So you could say the
chocolate smell is a real service to Chicago."
Smells are a big deal in this city
once associated with the stench of slaughtered cows and whose name etymologists
say comes from the American Indian words for skunk or onion.
Within smelling range of the
66-year-old factory, it's nearly impossible to find anyone who doesn't rave
about the rich, brownie-like aroma.
"I love it," said Maria
Negron, 48, as she passed by the factory on her way home from work. "Who
wouldn't like the smell of chocolate?"
At least one person in Chicago
apparently doesn't.
The EPA said its recent inspection
and citation stemmed from a complaint about the plant's smell and emissions.
The agency refused to elaborate. Blommer owners also refused to discuss the
complaint. Inhaling the plant's emissions in high concentrations can harm
children, the elderly and people with heart and lung diseases, the EPA said.
While environmentalists agree there
are some legitimate concerns about the emissions, they also question the EPA's
priorities in going after Blommer.
"It's like crushing an ant when
there's a pack of wolves around — then claiming you have saved people from
harm," said Brian Urbaszewski, of the American Lung Association's Chicago
chapter.
Far more pollution is created by
power plants, which pump some 15,000 tons of particles into the air annually,
Urbaszewski said.
Still, any high concentration of
airborne particles, whether from cocoa dust or coal, can irritate respiratory
illnesses.
"A lot of people may get a warm
fuzzy feeling from this chocolate smell," he said. "Some people may
get the same warm fuzzy feeling from smelling tobacco — but that doesn't mean
it's good for you."
**********
Britons happy to forge ID or sick
notes - survey
LONDON (Reuters) - Nearly half of
Britons admit to some kind of document-forging and a quarter confess to
exaggerating educational qualifications for job purposes, according to a survey
on Thursday.
The Dishonest Britain Study 2005 showed 45 percent of people admitted to some
kind of forgery, be it underage drinkers faking ID or the work-shy faking
doctors' notes.
The most popular forgery, at 18
percent, was ID cards, while five percent admitted to faking doctors' notes and
four percent confessed to forging letters on company stationery. Seven percent
of the 1,000 people questioned said they had assumed someone else's identity
through forging their signature on letters or cheques.
In the workplace, 14 percent said
they had spied on people entering PINs or passwords and 35 percent said they
would think nothing of ignoring company policies on security to lend or borrow
work passes.
For those who found they couldn't
borrow a pass, 32 percent said they had conned their way past security guards.
**********
November 21, 2005
Fairies stop developers' bulldozers
in their tracks
By Will Pavia and Chris Windle
VILLAGERS who protested that a new housing estate would “harm the fairies”
living in their midst have forced a property company to scrap its building
plans and start again.
Marcus Salter, head of Genesis
Properties, estimates that the small colony of fairies believed to live beneath
a rock in St Fillans, Perthshire, has cost him £15,000. His first notice of the
residential sensibilities of the netherworld came as his diggers moved on to a
site on the outskirts of the village, which crowns the easterly shore of Loch
Earn.
He said: “A neighbour came over shouting, ‘Don’t move that rock. You’ll kill
the fairies’.” The rock protruded from the centre of a gently shelving field, edged
by the steep slopes of Dundurn mountain, where in the sixth century the Celtic
missionary St Fillan set up camp and attempted to convert the Picts from the
pagan darkness of superstition.
“Then we got a series of phone
calls, saying we were disturbing the fairies. I thought they were joking. It
didn’t go down very well,” Mr Salter said.
In fact, even as his firm attempted
to work around the rock, they received complaints that the fairies would be
“upset”. Mr Salter still believed he was dealing with a vocal minority, but the
gears of Perthshire’s planning process were about to be clogged by something
that looked suspiciously like fairy dust.
“There are a lot of superstitions
going about up here and people do believe that things like standing stones and
large rocks should never be moved,” Jeannie Fox, council chairman, said.
“A lot of people think the rock had
some Pictish meaning,” Mrs Fox said. “It would be extremely unlucky to move
it.”
Mr Salter did not just want to move
the rock. He wanted to dig it up, cart it to the roadside and brand it with the
name of his new neighbourhood.
The Planning Inspectorate has no
specific guidelines on fairies but a spokesman said: “Planning guidance states
that local customs and beliefs must be taken into account when a developer
applies for planning permission.” Mr Salter said: “We had to redesign the
entire thing from scratch.”
The new estate will now centre on a
small park, in the middle of which stands a curious rock. Work begins next
month, if the fairies allow.
