Subject: Daily Dose - 060215 - Another collection from George
A HALLMARK MOMENT
An elderly couple was sitting at the
kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.
"You know," she said,
"we were probably sitting in the kitchen across from each other 50 years
ago."
"Yeah," he said, "but
we were probably naked."
"So let's get naked now,"
she suggested.
So they both took off all their
clothes and sat across from each other. "You know," she said
smiling lovingly, "my nipples feel just as hot for you today as they were
50 years ago."
He replied, "I'm sure they are
- one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
______________________________
Some VERY FUNNY and/or amusing
stories between Pilots & Air Traffic Control:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have
traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise
abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,
Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo
cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC
asked: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and
thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower
noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if
you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101,
make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
There's a story about the military
pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was
running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock
that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine
approach."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180
was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll
have enough parts for another one."
______________________________
Bob met Julie in a nightclub.
They enjoyed each other's company
very much and at the end of the evening Julie invited Bob to her place, where
they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed
together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they
both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short
while, Julie began tenderly stroking Bob's manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, Bob
comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?
Julie replies, "No, but every
now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine...
"
______________________________
A Mexican family was considering
putting their grandfather in a nursing home.
All the Catholic facilities were
completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish
facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?"
asks the grandson.
It's wonderful! Everyone here is so
courteous and respectful," says grandpa
"We're so happy for you. We
were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a
little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about
how wonderfully they treat the residents here" grandpa says with a big
smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a judge in
here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone
still calls him 'Your Honor'! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He
hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him
'Doctor'!"
"And me......, I haven't had
sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican' !"
______________________________
A monkey is sitting in a tree
smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey,
"Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "smoking a
joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to
the monkey and they share a few puffs.
After a while the lizard says his
mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so
stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees
this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the
lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile
that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned
and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check
this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting,
finishing a joint. The Crocodile looks up and says "Hey!"
The Monkey looks down and says.....
"Fuuuuuuuuck..... Duuuuuuude.....how much water did you drink?!!"
______________________________
The owner of the Saskatchewan
Roughriders had put together a Winning team, missing only a stud quarterback.
He had scouted all the Colleges the NFL and European leagues, but he couldn't
find a ringer to Guarantee a Grey Cup win.
One night he was watching a war-zone
scene in Iraq on TV. In the background of one shot, he saw a young Iraqi
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a
15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another grenade 75 yards,
pitching it right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another Into a car
passing at 90 mph. BULL'S-EYE!
"I've got to get this
guy!" the owner shouted. "He's got the Perfect arm!" He finds
him and brings him to Saskatchewan and teaches him the great game of football.
The Roughriders go on to win the
Grey Cup. The young Iraqi is hailed as a great hero, and when the owner asks
him what he wants, he Says he wants to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the
phone, "I just won the Grey Cup!"
"I don't want to talk to
you," the old Muslim woman snaps. "You deserted us. You are not my
son!"
"You don't understand,
Mother," the QB pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in
Canada. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his
mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.
The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. The elections are a joke, your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, then tearfully
adds, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Regina!
______________________________
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me
the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't
understand who you are talking about".
Blond Caller: "On page 1
section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now,
can you give me the number for Jack?"
______________________________
I went into the 7-11 gas station the
other day and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a
receipt.
***
Some New Orleans groaners
It doesn't take long for these to
start circulating.
~~~~~
The Mayor of New Orleans has denied
rumors that Mardi Gras is canceled. He says he's expecting a record
number of floats this year on Main Street.
~~~~~
Five black men in purple dinner
jackets and bow ties were found floating today under a pier in New
Orleans. DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters. Rumor has
it they were under the boardwalk, down by the sea.
~~~~~
Eric Burden and the Animals are
re-releasing their earlier hit, it begins "There was a house in New
Orleans..."
~~~~~
Hurricane Katrina - typical
woman! When she came, she was warm, wild and wet. When she left,
she took the house and all its contents with her.
~~~~~~
Two plane loads of volunteers left
Detroit, Michigan, today bound for New Orleans to assist with the looting.
______________________________
Three Aussies were working on a
high-rise building project - Steve,Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off and is killed
instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body
away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty
good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back
carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get
that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to
me," Bluey replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told
the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey
says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's
widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'"
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of
Fosters you are'."
