Subject: Daily Dose - 060214 - tapeworm, BIZARRE NEWS, private conversations, DDL, Rotten News

A fellow walked into his doctor's office complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.

The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."

Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.

"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor.

Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed it up the patient's ass.

"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.

The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next...  Every day up went a banana, waited one minute, then up went the cookie.

After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."

"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.

"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.

On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer.

One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.

Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's ass.

"WHERE'S MY COOKIE???"

**WHAM**

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Chinese Get More Than Feet Wet Trying New Condom

CHINA - Instead of struggling to stick on a condom in the heat of the moment, the Chinese will soon be pulling out their liquid condom-in-a-can.

The country's first liquid condom recently went on sale after being approved by the health and drugs administration. Named the Nanometer-silver Cryptomorphic Condom (NCC), it is made for females rather than males.

The manufacturer claims the antiseptic foam spray forms a physical membrane inside the vagina to protect from infection and pregnancy, and also provides a lubricating effect.

So folks, the next time you have a hot date, you might want to remember your liquid condom.

***

Naked Man Doesn't Care For Roasted Nuts

FORT MYERS BEACH, Fla. - A naked man who was found breaking windows and asking women to touch him inappropriately paid for his acts when he was accidentally shocked in the genitals by a Taser.

When Jeremy J. Miljour, 26, tried to run away from police, Deputy Daniel Hollywood shot him with a Taser. One of the prongs hit Miljour's genitals and got stuck, said Cpl. Matt Chitwood.

Although they were aiming for the torso, it was hard for officers to aim at the moving target. "The Taser is relatively accurate, but when someone is moving like that, it doesn't matter if you have a Taser, or a pistol. (Officers) can't aim," Chitwood said.

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Couple Has Beef With Meat Thief

MOSCOW - A couple living in a communal apartment in Moscow caught one of their housemates stealing pork chops by secretly videotaping him with a Web cam.

Valery Fefelkin was convicted of theft and a judge sentenced him to perform community service for a year, the Sunday Telegraph reported.

Fefelkin and Andrei and Maria Osipov were among the residents of a communal apartment or kommunalki. The apartments were erected in the Soviet era with residents having their own rooms and sharing a kitchen and bathroom. While Fefelkin claimed that he took the Osipovs' pork chops by mistake, their Web cam caught him wiping the refrigerator door down so he would not leave fingerprints.

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Man Thinks Home Depot Can Take Their Pencil and Shove It

METHUEN, Mass. - A Massachusetts carpenter told he was barred for life from Home Depot for pocketing a pencil says he is never shopping there again.

"I heard they issued a public apology and that I'm welcome back in the store anytime I feel like it," Michael Panorelli of Lawrence told the Boston Globe. "Somehow, that doesn't do anything for me."

Panorelli was in a Home Depot in Methuen with a customer buying window-trimming lumber and spent $117. The customer took a pencil from a cash register so Panorelli could do some calculating and the carpenter absent-mindedly put it in his pocket when he was done.

The two men were confronted by Scott Jordan, a Home Depot loss prevention specialist, outside the store. Panorelli says Jordan was insulting, in addition to demanding he sign a confession to theft, which he refused to do.

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When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.  But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

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DDL

As a Valentine message, young Bonnet,
Having failed at composing a sonnet,
Drew his girlfriend a card
That the censors have barred;
Both a heart and a hardon are on it!

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"Every election I go to the polling place with my Uncle Earl. He went into the booth first and I was in line behind him. I'm sitting there waiting and waiting and finally I hear, "The damn thing won't flush!"
--Dave Letterman

***

"Did you all see that cruise ship on the news that was attacked by pirates? Wasn't that something? They fired a cannon at it, they fired machine guns at it...look, I know Kathie Lee is annoying but that seems a little harsh."
--Jay Leno

***

"The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important, because when we want to potty-train the baby we should set a good example."
--Howie Mandel

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"As you know Prince Charles is also known as the Prince of Whales. Wasn't that also Clinton's nickname?"
--Jay Leno

***

Best of the reported protest signs seen at the recent anti-war demonstration in Washington, DC:

"WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB SO WE CAN HAVE HIM IMPEACHED?"

I bet even the republicans laughed when they saw this.

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Rotten News....  (true)

House With Bride for Sale for $600,000

Wed Nov 2, 4:26 PM ET

DENVER - For $600,000, a 40- to 60-year-old man can buy a house in a trendy Denver neighborhood that comes complete with a bride.

Deborah Hale, 48, has placed an ad on eBay offering to sell her home in the Washington Park area to a compatible man who wants to spend his life with her. She also has her own Web site outlining the deal.

"I'm looking for my soul mate," Hale told the Rocky Mountain News Tuesday. She did not immediately return a telephone message left at her home Wednesday.

Hale lives part-time in the 1910 bungalow-style house. She also has a jewelry business in Albuquerque, N.M.

She has received about 60 responses.

"I have to say that the e-mails that I have got have been very kind and very nice," Hale said.

The deadline for bidding is Valentine's Day 2006.

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Farmer Protects Animals With Orange Paint

Tue Nov 29, 6:13 PM ET

LOGANTON, Pa. - With deer hunters out all over the woods, a farmer has decided to paint his cows, horses and even his dog bright orange to make sure they aren't mistaken for deer.

Friz Konieczka doesn't want to take any chances because he heard about a neighbor's horse being shot during hunting season several years ago.

Konieczka, a Clinton County farmer, wants his animals to stand out — and they do. Fluorescent orange paint lines their backs and heir sides.

Konieczka said he'd rather spend $5 for a can of orange paint than have one of his animals killed or injured.

He painted his horses, his cows, his goats, his turkeys and even his Dalmatian, Buddy.

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Irish fishermen net liquid treasure

Wed Nov 23, 2:04 PM ET

DUBLIN (AFP) - Fishermen from both sides of the Irish border netted an unexpected early Christmas present, hauling in bottles of cream liqueur near the English coast, a drinks company said.

The bottles of Carolans Irish Cream liqueur were part of a consignment of 8,000 bottles lost last month when a container was swept overboard in a storm in the Bay of Biscay. The fishermen's nets brought up the bottles in special presentation packs that had been destined for the Christmas market in Spain -- so they scored not only a tipple but also the glasses from which to drink it.

The unexpected haul recalls the classic 1949 comedy film "Whisky Galore!", which follows a group of Scottish islanders who raided a shipwreck for its cargo of of whisky and their attempts to hide the stash from eager customs men.

Carolans, the world's second-largest cream liqueur brand, is made from Irish whiskey, double cream and honey, and is named after a famous blind 17th-century Irish bard and harpist, Turlough O'Carolan.

Prawn fishing boats from Dunmore East and Kilmore Quay in southeast Ireland, Clogherhead in the northeast and Kilkeel in Northern Ireland had caught gift packs of liqueur fishing in an area off the English coast known as the Smalls, Chamney said.

"We don't know how it got to be there. The liqueur was in a container that was swept off a ship in the Bay of Biscay," he said. "The container must have broken up when it hit the bottom and then I suppose the Gulf Stream must have taken it. I haven't spoken to anybody who has sampled the booze but it would appear it is in perfect condition. The glasses hadn't been broken and the Carolans is very drinkable."

Chamney said the company had lost about three containers falling from cargo ships in the past five years, but it was the first time any bottles were netted later.

"It has been kept cold in the depths. We recommend you store it in the fridge but this is going a bit far," he said.

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Fawlty powers ... two weeks in jail if fans goose-step like Basil

From NICK PARKER

Chief Foreign Correspondent, in Nuremberg, Germany

GERMAN cops will use sweeping powers to collar England fans doing Basil Fawlty-style Hitler impressions at the World Cup.

Yobs will be instantly banged up for TWO WEEKS if they goose-step like John Cleese in his most famous Fawlty Towers scene.

And hard core louts who give Nazi salutes — like the one jokingly made by Michael Barrymore in Celebrity Big Brother — could be hauled before a judge within 24 hours.

If convicted of inciting hatred they will face jail terms of up to THREE YEARS.

Wearing joke German helmets or any offensive insignia will also result in a stretch behind bars.

The crackdown was revealed by police in Nuremberg, where England will play Trinidad and Tobago in a first-round World Cup match on June 15.

The city is particularly sensitive to World War II jibes.

Its gleaming World Cup stadium stands in the shadow of the parade ground used for Hitler’s notorious Nazi rallies in the 1930s. The city was carpet-bombed by the Allies during the war.