Subject: Daily Dose - 060211 - rude New Yorker, BIZARRE NEWS, Sickness, DDL, Rotten News

A rude New Yorker and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tire on the car. Getting out, the boyfriend was about to start changing it when he spotted a cowboy sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke.

He told his girlfriend that he would make the cowboy change the tire and for her just to wait there.

"Hey, parrrrtner," he mocked, "Hows about you get down off of that horse and come over here and change this tire."

The cowboy continued to roll the smoke and ignored him. "Hey, Shithead, I told you to get over here and change this tire or I'm going to kick your ass."

The cowboy looked at him and then said, "I'll tell you what, fella. I'm going to finish my smoke. Then I'm going to get down off my horse, kick your ass and make you change that tire. Then while I screw your girlfriend I'm gonna make you hold my balls up out of the hot sand."

Later, as they were driving on across the desert, the girlfriend says, "That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn't he, baby?"

"Naw, he wasn't so tough," said the guy. "Did you see him flinch every time I dropped his balls in the hot sand?"

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Traffic Ticket Excuses

[Courtesy of netscape.com]  

"Come on officer, I was going downhill. I think that counts for something."

"If you give me a ticket, I'll be forced to tell your wife about us!"

"I'm in a hurry - I'm late for traffic court."

"Oh, come on! If I get another ticket, my insurance company will drop me."

"I thought if I had my hazards on I could speed."

"Oh, so that's where the speedometer is..."

"Sorry officer, I thought my radar detector was plugged in."

"I was just checking to see if your radar gun was working properly."

***

Japanese Company Gives Lift to Warm Dress Campaign

TOKYO - A Japanese company has found an unusual way to cut down on energy costs this winter - by offering a heated bra to employees.

Government leaders have been promoting their "Warm Biz" drive nationwide in an effort to get workers to dress warmly and save energy during the cold weather.

Triumph International has gone a step beyond the call by creating the Warm Biz Bra, that will supposedly add "a little fun and chic to office wear." The bra has removable pads that can be heated in the microwave or hot water. It also includes furry straps that wrap around the neck.

***

Truck Drivers Haunted By Deadly Accidents

NORWAY - Here's an amazing statistic to come out of Norway: 11 out of 26 Norwegian traffic accidents involving front to front collisions between cars and large freight trucks are suicides.

The study by SINTEF shows that these collisions were conscious attempts at suicide, with the car seeking the truck. Professional truckers said the deadly accidents often leave drivers with psychological problems.

"For truckers it is a macabre sight when suicidal types wave and smile as they drive into the front of a rig," said Alf Ragnar Karlsen of the Norwegian Transport Worker Union.

***

New Mayor Proves Age Is Just A Number

DES MOINES, Iowa - Now that Sam Juhl is 18, he is old enough to vote and buy cigarettes. Apparently, he is also old enough to be the mayor of a town in Iowa.

Although Juhl hasn't yet graduated from high school, he got the majority of the vote to become Roland, Iowa's new mayor. Juhl ran unopposed and was the only name on the ballot.

"I think I can give them just a young, more youthful approach to the way things are done," Juhl said. He will be sworn in as Roland's mayor in January.

He said that he used to joke about running for mayor when he was younger. This time, it's no joke.

***

No 'Pineapple Under The Sea' for SpongeBob Bandit

MINNEAPOLIS - A federal judge has sentenced a bank robber nicknamed the "SpongeBob Bandit" to 37 years in a prison -- not a pineapple under the sea.

Police gave Clyde Scott Thompson the nickname because he put loot from a Minneapolis branch bank robbery in April in a bag with the image of the popular animated cartoon character "SpongeBob Square Pants", the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported.

A dye pack exploded after a teller handed over the money and stained currency was recovered inside Thompson's car. Thompson, 46, was convicted of armed robbery in August and ordered to pay more than $3,700 in restitution.

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Sickness

One day a co-worker told my friend, Stan, that she was going home early because she didn't feel well. Since Stan was just getting over something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn't something he had given her.

A fellow worker piped up, "I sure hope not. She has morning sickness."

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DDL

There was a young dentist named Trevor,
Whose technique was terribly clever:
Since, out of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
He has more women patients than ever.

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"Here's some sad news. Martha Stewart's "Apprentice" show has been cancelled. It's the same old story...hard to get a job when you're an ex-con."
--Dave Letterman

***

"Give you an idea how unpopular President Bush is right now, on his flight to Japan on Air Force One. He had to sit in coach."
--Jay Leno

***

"California voters rejected all four of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's ballot proposals, all of them, every one, including Number One: No hogging the bench press. Number two: Towel off the incline board. Number three: Put the free weights back on the rack after use, and Number Four: Let me squeeze your buttocks and don't tell nobody."
--Tina Fey on "Saturday Night Live"

***

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "Come and bury my wife."

"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.

"I got married again," the man sobbed.

"Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."

***

His best friend was cheating with his wife and when the wife died, the best friend really took it to heart.

It was the husband who consoled the friend, "Don't worry, Buddy, I'll get married again."
--Joey Adams

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Rotten News....  (true)

1 December 2005, 18:14 GMT 

Russian squirrel pack 'kills dog' 

Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog which was barking at them in a Russian park, local media report.

Passers-by were too late to stop the attack by the black squirrels in a village in the far east, which reportedly lasted about a minute. They are said to have scampered off at the sight of humans, some carrying pieces of flesh.

A pine cone shortage may have led the squirrels to seek other food sources, although scientists are sceptical.

The attack was reported in parkland in the centre of Lazo, a village in the Maritime Territory, and was witnessed by three local people.

A "big" stray dog was nosing about the trees and barking at squirrels hiding in branches overhead when a number of them suddenly descended and attacked, reports say.

"They literally gutted the dog," local journalist Anastasia Trubitsina told Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper. "When they saw the men, they scattered in different directions, taking pieces of their kill away with them."

Mikhail Tiyunov, a scientist in the region, said it was the first he had ever heard of such an attack.

While squirrels without sources of protein might attack birds' nests, he said, the idea of them chewing a dog to death was "absurd".

"If it really happened, things must be pretty bad in our forests," he added.

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The risks of cousin marriage 

By Justin Rowlatt

BBC Newsnight 

Many people would find the idea of marrying a first cousin shocking, but such marriages are not unusual in some British communities. It is estimated that at least 55% of British Pakistanis are married to first cousins and the tradition is also common among some other South Asian communities and in some Middle Eastern countries.

But there is a problem: marrying someone who is themselves a close family member carries a risk for children - a risk that lies within the code of life; within our genes.

Communities that practice cousin marriage experience higher levels of some very rare but very serious illnesses - illnesses known as recessive genetic disorders.

Now, one Labour MP is calling for an end to the practice. "We have to stop this tradition of first cousin marriages," Keighley MP Ann Cryer tells Newsnight. Mrs Cryer believes an open debate on the subject is needed because - despite the risks - cousin marriage remains very popular.

Mrs Cryer's constituency is in the Bradford area, where the rates of cousin marriage are well above the national average. It is estimated that three out of four marriages within Bradford's Pakistani community are between first cousins.

The practice remains so popular because the community believes there are real benefits to marrying in the family. Many British Pakistanis celebrate cousin marriage because it is thought to generate more stable relationships.

"You have an understanding," explains Neila Butt, who married her first cousin, Farooq, nine years ago. "Family events are really nice because my in-laws and his are related," she says. "You have the same family history and when you talk about the old times either here or in Pakistan you know who you are talking about. It's just a nicer emotional feel."

But the statistics for recessive genetic illness in cousin marriages make sobering reading.

British Pakistanis are 13 times more likely to have children with genetic disorders than the general population - they account for just over 3% of all births but have just under a third of all British children with such illnesses.

Indeed, Birmingham Primary Care Trust estimates that one in ten of all children born to first cousins in the city either dies in infancy or goes on to develop serious disability as a result of a recessive genetic disorder.

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Very, very frequent flyer hits 1 mln goal

By Wency Leung

Wed Nov 30, 7:18 PM ET

VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuters) - After two months of zig-zagging across Canada by plane, frequent flyer Marc Tacchi has reached his goal of accumulating one million miles of credits -- and become something of an Internet celebrity in the process.

On his blog "The Great Canadian Mileage Run 2005", Tacchi reported on Wednesday that he had racked up 1,003,625 mileage points and spent 56 of the last 61 days in an airplane.

"I myself need to get to bed in a prone position for some serious rest," he wrote.

The 30-year-old embarked on his venture using Air Canada's North America Unlimited Pass -- a C$7,000 ticket that allowed passengers limitless travel within the continent between October 1 and November 30.

Frequent fliers programs, like Air Canada's Aeroplan, are designed to promote customer loyalty by allowing people to upgrade to better seats or book free flights in the future

"I just sort of moved it to a new level," Tacchi joked in an interview last week at the Vancouver International Airport before boarding another airplane.

A typical day would start with a 10 a.m. flight to Victoria, British Columbia, about 70 km (45 miles) from Vancouver. He would fly back and fourth between the two cities about six times and then catch an overnight flight 4,300 km (2,700 miles) to Toronto.

In Toronto, he would immediately board a return flight.

Since he began documenting his travels on the Internet, Tacchi has garnered the attention of international media, and even has agents in Los Angeles seeking to sell his story.

"People were calling my girlfriend's boss at work, saying 'Hey, did you hear about that guy'," Tacchi said. "I don't even know how it all became real."

By reaching the 1 million mile goal, Tacchi gets the equivalent of about 10 round-trip business class flights from Canada to Australia, which he has estimated would normally cost about C$70,000.

He plans to redeem his travel points to take his family to Miami at Christmas, then maybe go to Hong Kong or Thailand.

When he wasn't flying to collect travel points, Tacchi works as a contract pilot. Once a week, he flies a Boeing 747 cargo plane to Europe or Asia.

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Man Says Jesus Appeared In His Pancake
Man Selling Flapjack On eBay

UPDATED: 3:11 pm EST February 9, 2006

BEACHWOOD, Ohio -- A Beachwood man has found religion in his pancakes, Cleveland television station WEWS reported.

Mike Thompson was making pancakes last weekend for his family when the pattern on one of the flapjacks caught his eye.

Upon closer inspection, he saw what he thought was the face of Jesus. He showed his wife, and she agreed.

That's when the couple decided to do what anyone who discovers such an edible artifact does these days -- they put it up for sale on eBay.

"I think the grilled cheese sandwich sold for $28,000, and the pierogi sold for a couple of thousand, so I figured start it off on eBay for $500. It's a pretty good deal," Thompson said.

He is hoping it sells like hotcakes, but so far there have been no opening bids.