Subject: Daily Dose - 060207 - brown cow, BIZARRE NEWS, sang froid, DDL,
Rotten News
There was a farmer who had a brown
cow and a white cow and he wanted to breed them, so he hired his neighbor's
bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in
and tell him when the bull was finished.
After a while the boy came into the
living room where his father was talking with some friends. "Hey,
Dad?" said the boy. "The bull just fucked the brown cow."
The room went silent. The father
excused himself and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language
like that in front of company. You could say 'The bull surprised the brown
cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."
After a while the boy came in and
said, "Hey, Dad?"
"Let me guess," said the
father, "the bull surprised the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked
the brown cow again!"
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Statements
1. "Let's get things straight.
The police aren't here to create disorder. The police are here to preserve
disorder."
-Mayor Richard J. Daley during 1968 Chicago riots
2. Ketchup is to "be counted as
one of the two vegetables required as part of the school lunch program."
-U.S. Department of Agriculture, 1981
3. "Capital punishment is our
society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."
-Senator Orrin Hatch, 1988
4. "We do not have censorship.
What we have is a limitation of what newspapers can report."
-South Africa Ministry of Information, 1988
5. Instead of lying to Congress, he
said he was offering "a different version from the facts."
-Lt. Col. Oliver North, 1987
6. "When I sell liquor it's
called bootlegging. When my customers serve it on silver trays on Lake Shore
Drive, it's called hospitality."
-Al Capone during Prohibition
7. "The trouble with the rat
race is that even if you win it, you're still a rat."
-Lily Tomlin
***
Woman Has Something To Get Off Her
Chest
FORT MYERS, Fla. - It's not uncommon
for women to stuff their bras. However, it is a little unusual for a woman to
pad her bra with a stolen rare parrot.
Jill Knispel, 35, stole the
Greenwing parrot from her employer, Baby Exotic Birds of Englewood, and hid it
in her bra. She went to trade the bird for a vintage car, but made the mistake
of telling the car's owner how she got the parrot.
Too bad the owner of the car was
also friends with the man who owns the $2,000 bird. Oops.
Knispel was charged with grand theft
after DNA tests confirmed the bird's identity.
***
Party Animals Shake Up Elderly Home
STOCKHOLM, Sweden - An elderly home
in southern Sweden rarely has to deal with drunks or rowdy animals, but
residents had to handle both when two drunken moose invaded their home.
The moose became intoxicated after
eating fermented apples that they found outside the home. Police scared them
away once, but they came back for more of the fruits.
This time the animals were drunk and
ready to fight, forcing police to call for a hunter with a dog to get them to
leave. Police made sure all the apples were cleaned up from the area.
Nobody was injured during the
invasion.
***
What A Dummy!
MARINWOOD, Calif. - A California man
has been fined $351 for using a kickboxing dummy as a fake passenger so he
could drive in highway carpooling lanes.
California Highway Patrolman Will
Thompson stopped 28-year-old Kevin Morgan in Marinwood Sunday, after noticing
the passenger had no legs, the Marin Independent Journal reported.
"I think he was pretty
embarrassed because all the people driving by were laughing," the trooper
said. Thompson had hauled the torso out of the passenger seat and plunked it
down on the freeway shoulder to as a warning to other commuters.
"I think about the only thing
he said was, 'Well, that didn't help me very much today, did it?'"
Thompson said. "I said, 'No, it didn't.'"
***
Do You Know What You're Eating?
LONDON - A British poll on eating
habits found that 36 percent of children were unaware that french fries, or
chips, are made from potatoes.
Nearly 1-in-10 of the 1,002 children
between 8 and 14 questioned by the British Heart Foundation thought chips were
mostly made of oil, while others suggested salt, eggs, flour, and even apples,
The Telegraph reported.
Another 37 percent did not know that
cheese was made mostly of milk.
"Kids have lost touch with the
most basic foods and no longer understand what they are eating," said
Peter Hollins, the foundation's director general.
______________________________
An American is visiting in France
for several weeks. As his stay nears an end, he is sitting around with three of
his new-found French friends shooting the breeze. The subject turns to
language, and the American says, "Guys, I do have one question left. I
keep hearing this expression, 'sang froid'. What does it mean? I know that it
literally means, 'cold blood', but how is it used?"
The first Frenchman replies,
"Ah, zat is easy. Say that a man walks into his bedroom, only to find his
wife in bed with his best friend. If he can turn around and walk out without
them knowing he was evair zere, *zat* is sang froid!"
The second Frenchman interjected,
"You have eet all wrong! If, in zis circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly
stand zere, and say, 'Please don't mind me; continue', zen *zat* is sang
froid!"
"Non, non, non!" burst out
the third. "If ze gentleman bursts een on his wife and his best friend, stands
there saying, 'Please continue', and his friend *CAN* continue, *zat* is sang
froid!"
______________________________
DDL
There was a young girl of Kilkenny,
Who is worried by lovers so many,
That the saucy young elf,
Means to raffle herself,
And the tickets are two for a penny.
______________________________
"This warning from the New York
City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take
your temperature with his finger."
--David Letterman
***
It was one of those bachelor parties
where all the married men had to meet at the end and decide about what to say
we did. 'We got in a fight with some guys and that's how our underwear got
ripped. They ripped our underwear, and they smelled good. Jimmy, you fell and
your nipple got pierced.'"
--Ray Romano
***
Everyone I know is having a baby and
I'm childless. They all have these incredible stories and everything I do in
comparison seems inconsequential. They say, 'Well, I was in labor for eleven
hundred hours. I had the baby out in the woods. And now I'm back at work full
time and I'm breast-feeding.' I'm like, 'I bought a new skirt.'"
--Caroline Rhea
***
"Dad's are born without the
sympathy gene. You can break your leg, hobble into your house, and all your dad
will do is look over the paper and grumble, 'Shake it off!'"
--Robert G. Lee
***
"My mom used to tell me not to
eat so fast because it wasn't good for me. So I put a strobe light over the
table."
--Nick Arnette
***
"When it came to spankings, my
dad never used a belt. One time he grabbed a piece of my Hot Wheels race car
track. In my mind I'm thinking, 'Great, now I'm being beaten with my own
toys...' Thank God I didn't get that wood burning set I wanted."
--Scott Wood
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Nigerian car plates: good news in a
troubled land By Estelle Shirbon
Sun Dec 4, 4:42 AM ET
ABUJA (Reuters) - The Nigerian state
of Bayelsa proclaims to the world on car number plates that it is "The
Pride of the Nation" or, on some models, "The Glory of All
Lands".
But the exploits of its governor,
who was arrested in Britain on his return from a tummy-tuck operation in
Germany and charged with money-laundering, only to jump bail disguised as a
woman, have given the state's slogans a hollow ring.
Far from bringing pride to the
nation, the return of Governor Diepreye Alamieyeseigha to Nigeria after fleeing
Britain has caused embarrassment back home. "Shameful" was the word
used by President Olusegun Obasanjo to describe it.
Bayelsa is just one example.
Register your car in any one of Nigeria's 36 states and you will get a slogan
on your number plate that gives a decidedly optimistic version of reality.
Plateau is "Home of Peace and
Tourism". While it has a cool climate and cultural landmarks that do make
it an attraction for the rare tourists who make it to Nigeria, Plateau has been
plagued by religious violence that has killed hundreds. Last year the government
declared a state of emergency there after riots culminated in a massacre of
Muslims that sparked anti-Christian reprisals elsewhere in the country.
As for Kaduna, it earned the label
of "Liberal State" for its cosmopolitan and lively atmosphere.
However, it has suffered from several bouts of religious violence, including
the 2002 Miss World riots that killed 200 people after Muslims were angered by
an article about the beauty pageant.
The state is also one of 12 in the
predominantly Muslim north that has reintroduced parts of Islamic sharia law
that had been abolished under British rule, such as sentencing adulterers to
death by stoning -- though no sentence has yet been carried out.
Some states have adopted more
prosaic slogans for their number plates. Nassarawa is "Home of Solid
Minerals", while Benue is "Food Basket of the Nation". Others
take a more esoteric approach. Yobe declares "The Young Shall Grow",
Kwara proclaims itself a "State of Harmony", while Abia is
"God's Own State", no less.
But by far the most famous and
celebrated number plate in Nigeria is "Lagos - Centre of Excellence".
The slogan may come as a surprise
abroad, where the dilapidated port city of about 13 million is known mainly for
violent crime, slums, traffic jams and pollution. But many Lagosians will tell
you a different story.
"Everyone comes to Lagos
because you can start from nowhere and reach the top," said middle-aged
Lola Ojo, who has lived there all her life. "You can buy a plastic sachet
of drinking water for 50 naira (35 cents), sell it for double the price, and
you're in business.
"It truly is a Centre of
Excellence."
**********
Students Trade Bibles for Porn
By Matt O'Conner
Friday, December 2, 2005
SAN ANTONIO — A group of atheists at
the University of Texas at San Antonio is putting a novel twist on the
toys-for-guns programs run by many urban police departments. But instead of
toys, they are handing out porn in exchange for bibles.
“We consider the bible to be a very
negative force in the history of the world,” student Ryan Walker said. Walker
is part of a student group that calls itself the Atheist Agenda.
Club members this week posted fliers
promoting what they call the “Smut for Smut” campaign then set up a table in
the student union to collect religious materials and pass out adult magazines
such as Black Label and Playboy. The group is not officially sanctioned by the
university and has raised the ire of several religious organizations on campus.
“In my opinion, there are no
atheists. There are fools,” Pastor Rick Hawkins of UTSA’s Family Praise Center
said. “So, that would be foolish propaganda. I don't know one believer that
would take his Bible and turn it in for pornography.”
Hawkins obviously didn’t stop by the
Atheist Agenda table, where several students had dropped off copies of the good
book and walked away with skin mags.
Athiest Agenda isn’t the first
student group to explore the idea of introducing porn to former bible toters.
Members say they got the idea from students in Austin who ran a similar
pro-porn drive. Walker added that members thought it sounded like a creative
way to exercise their freedom of speech.
**********
German calendar depicts erotic
moments from Bible
Fri Dec 2, 1:38 PM ET
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German Protestant youth group has put together a 2006
calendar with 12 staged photos depicting erotic scenes from the Bible,
including a bare-breasted Delilah cutting Samson's hair and a nude Eve offering
an apple.
"There's a whole range of
biblical scriptures simply bursting with eroticism," said Stefan Wiest,
the 32-year-old photographer who took the titillating pictures.
Anne Rohmer, 21, poses on a doorstep
in garters and stockings as the prostitute Rahab, who is mentioned in both New
and Old Testaments. "We wanted to represent the Bible in a different way
and to interest young people," she told Reuters.
"Anyway, it doesn't say
anywhere in the Bible that you are forbidden to show yourself nude."
Bernd Grasser, pastor of the church
in Nuremberg where the calendar is being sold, was enthusiastic about the
project which is explained online at www.bibelkalender.de.
"It's just wonderful when
teenagers commit themselves with their hair and their skin to the bible,"
he said.
