Subject: Daily Dose - 060206 - murder, THIS is TRUE, open casket, DDL, Rotten News

One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, "Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if that son of a bitch could have sex...he could fly."

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THIS is TRUE...

SLIPPERY SLOPE: A new "teaching document" issued by the Roman Catholic bishops of England, Wales and Scotland warns that Catholics should not take the Bible literally -- that it's not infallible. "We should not expect to find in Scripture full scientific accuracy or complete historical precision," they say in the booklet, "The Gift of Scripture". So what sorts of things aren't accurate? Creation, for one. Genesis, they note, has two different, and sometimes conflicting, creation stories and cannot be considered "historical." Rather, the bishops say, it simply contains "historical traces." (London Times)
...Don't even get them started on Leviticus 11:6.

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ON THE RIGHT TRACK: Police in Montclair, Calif., shot and wounded a man allegedly trying to hijack a freight train using a homemade bow and arrow. The engineers bailed from the engine and responding officers shot the man when he pointed the arrow at them. Once the smoke cleared, prosecutors considered the case of Juventino Vallejo-Camerena, 43, trying to figure out what to charge him with. "A train is a motor vehicle," said Deputy District Attorney Robert Lemkau, making his thought process clear. "It's a train. It moves. It's a diesel." Thus, Vallejo-Camerena has been charged with carjacking. (Riverside Press-Enterprise)
...And since the train had 71 cars, they filed six-dozen counts against him.

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DRAGNET: A bank robber in Bensalem, Penn., wasn't stupid: when he wrote his demand note on the back of his pay stub from the local car wash, he used a marker to cross out his name. At the end of the sentence demanding money, he used a smiley face in place of the period. And he left the note behind as he fled with his loot. Police were able to make out his name anyway, and arrested Michael Drennon, 26. "It wasn't a huge forensic undertaking," a police spokesman said. "We just put it under a light." (Philadelphia Inquirer)
...It wasn't a huge interrogation: they just put Drennon under a light.

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Z.T. IN REAL LIFE, CAPITOL DIVISION: When Debra Bolton, 45, was pulled over by police in Washington, D.C., she told the officer the truth: she had a glass of wine with dinner. He arrested her for DUI. A breath test found her blood-alcohol was .03, well below the .08 percent legal limit, but the charge stuck. "If you get behind the wheel of a car with any measurable amount of alcohol, you will be dealt with in D.C.," said Dennis Fair, the arresting officer. "We have zero tolerance." Area defense lawyers know about the rule, and usually suggest their clients plead guilty and accept "diversion" programs, but Bolton fought the charge. After four court appearances it was dropped, but the Department of Motor Vehicles then moved to suspend her license anyway. "Our burden of proof is lower" than a court's, said a DMV spokesman. "Not enough evidence for them may be enough evidence for us." The DMV eventually decided not to suspend her license, but instead give her a "warning." (Washington Post)
...Warning: paternalistic bureaucrats rule Washington D.C.

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NO SERVICE FOR SURE: "No Shirt, No Shoes and No Pants Means Jail"
-- AP headline

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Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism.

At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, "Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn't he?"

The other replied, "Well, he ought to; he hasn't had a drink in 3 days."

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DDL

There was a young lady named Alice,
Who purchased a hard-rubber phallus.
Since she learned its perfections,
She shuns doctors' inspections.
It is such an odd place for a callus.

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"President Bush and his white house staff are on their way to China. I don't think President Bush really knows a lot about China. Like today he said that he is really looking forward to going to the great mall."
-- Jay Leno

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"The bear hunting season in New Jersey has opened. Hunting bears in New Jersey is a little different. After you shoot the bear you bury it at a construction site."
--Dave Letterman

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"Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito says he's embarrassed by some of the things he wrote in the 1980's. Yeah, apparently Alito wrote the song 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.'"
--Conan O'Brien

***

Chinese words for a vagina: Tongue chow

Chinese words for a smelly vagina: Tongue chow yuck

***

I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn't work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made me hungry.
--Planojo

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Rotten News....  (true)

Man Given Jaywalking Ticket After Being Hit By Car

POSTED: 8:41 am EST December 3, 2005

WASHINGTON -- A former secretary of the U.S. Commission on Fine Arts has gotten a $5 ticket for jaywalking even though, at the time, he was lying critically injured in the street after being hit by a car.

Police told The Washington Post that Charles Atherton, 73, was conscious when he was issued the ticket before being taken to the hospital Thursday night.

But witnesses report that Atherton was unresponsive and struggling to breathe. They said he had been knocked out of his shoes and was bloody from hitting his head on the vehicle's windshield.

Police said Atherton received the ticket because he caused the accident by crossing busy Connecticut Avenue in the middle of the block.

Atherton's daughter said the story is puzzling since her father "always felt strongly about crossing at intersections," especially since a friend was killed crossing the same street.

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Australian bank apologises for grooming guide

Mon Dec 5, 1:35 AM ET

CANBERRA (Reuters) - One of Australia's largest banks apologised on Monday for a "grooming handbook" that suggested staff wear flesh-coloured underwear and advised against shiny stockings because they make legs look fatter.

The grooming guide -- which also recommended that earrings should be no bigger than a small coin and that women should wear no more than two rings on each hand -- was given to retail banking staff at the Commonwealth Bank.

"The guidelines are just that -- guidelines," bank executive Hugh Harley said in a statement. "I apologise to any staff who may have been offended or who do not feel comfortable discussing such matters."

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Honduran Vote Counting Stalled by Wedding

Sat Dec 3,11:24 PM ET

TEGUCIGALPA, Honduras - Vote counting in Honduras' presidential election was further stalled Saturday when election officials had to abandon their hotel suite to make room for a wedding party.

With about 90 percent of the votes counted in the Nov. 27 election, officials were still unable to declare a winner. Supreme Electoral Tribunal spokeswoman Carolina Cabrera said an announcement was possible on Monday.

The Liberal Party presidential candidate Manuel Zelaya had just under 50 percent, compared with just over 46 percent for Porfirio Lobo Sosa, of the ruling National Party, according to the latest tally.

The tribunal has blamed technical difficulties for the delay. The Supreme Electoral Tribunal had been supervising the count in a third-floor suite of Tegucigalpa's Hotel del General. But late Friday election officials were forced to move their operation to the hotel's second floor.

The tribunal had not expected to be working until Saturday, and the suite had been reserved for a wedding reception. The vote resumed late Saturday after a nearly 10-hour delay.

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A lobster dangles in a claw of a game machine that has a tank full of live lobsters in a neighborhood store in Scarborough, Maine, on Thursday, Feb. 2, 2006.

Customers pay $2 for a chance to catch their own lobster by using a three-pronged claw in the 'Love Maine Lobster Claw' arcade game. (AP Photo/Pat Wellenbach)