Subject: Daily Dose - 060131 - More Groaners...

The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."

Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie'flower!"

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A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?

"Rustlin' " said the bartender.

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Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies.

One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

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Did you hear about the scientists who were nominated for the Nobel Prize. It seems they discovered and calibrated the smallest particles known to man using only dental equipment. They became known as.....

"The Graders of the Flossed Quark."

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Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.

Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down."

"You'll just have to be a little patient."

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Psychiatrist's Nurse, "There's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible."

Doctor, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

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One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee! Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life.

When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Like is says on TV, Grandma -- 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

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Q: What do really old people smell like?

A: Depends.

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Q: What do you get when an epileptic farmer falls in his lettuce patch?

A: Seizure salad.

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Q: What goes "oooo, oooo, oooo?"

A: A cow with no lips.

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Overheard in a restaurant:  

Waitress: Are you very Hungary?

Diner: Yes, Siam.

Waitress: What would you like me to Serbia?

Diner: I'll have a Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.

Waitress: Would you like anything India coffee?

Diner: Just a Cuba sugar would be fine.

Waitress: Okay, I'll Russia your order.

Diner: I hope the sandwich doesn't have any Greece on it.

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Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm Nussbaum Brothers. After many years they decided to Anglicize their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the Nuss Brothers.

After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on she should answer the phone as "Nuss Brothers."

"I quit," said Ethel.

"But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will be the same!"

"Yeah? Well, YOU answer the phone then. I don't want to answer and find that the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say..... "Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"

ALTOONA, Wis. -- Ken Hasenmueller holds a set of license plates outside his Altoona, Wis., home. The Wisconsin Division of Motor Vehicles randomly assigned the plates which read 666-KEN, but the Christian father of three plans to exchange them because he doesn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about him. He said his first name is paired with the number recognized as a symbol for the Antichrist. (11/16/05 AP photo)