Subject: Daily Dose - 060130 - Lamaze class, THIS is TRUE, wayward girl, DDL, Rotten News

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

______________________________

THIS is TRUE...

TOP OF THE NEWS: An unnamed newspaper carrier in Jacksonville, Fla., was confronted by a man who said the carrier had forgotten to deliver his newspaper. When the 56-year-old carrier asked the man for his address to check his list, the man responded by pulling a gun. "Give me a paper," he demanded at gunpoint. The carrier handed over a paper, then called police. Officers found Christopher M. Cooper, 26, hiding in a cooler at a gas station, a gun in his car, and marijuana in his pocket. He was charged with armed robbery of the 50-cent paper, and drug possession. (Jacksonville Times-Union)
...Actually, the more interesting edition of the paper was the next day's, which contained this story.

***

PAY ATTENTION! Cliffton Hassam, 16, was in class at East Ridge High School in Clermont, Fla., when the little box on his belt started beeping. Substitute teacher Richard Maline demanded that Hassam hand it over, but Hassam refused. So Maline grabbed it and yanked. It wasn't a cell phone or pager, as Maline apparently figured, but rather an insulin pump; the beeping was to alert Hassam, a diabetic, that his blood sugar was at a dangerous level. Hassam got the device back and hooked up before he suffered ill effects, and Maline was fired by the school. "When we train our substitutes, that's one of the items we cover," a school spokesman said. "We specifically train our substitutes on this particular device." (Orlando Sentinel)
...Yeah, but did you give him a quiz afterward to ensure he had met the "learning objectives"?

***

DRIVEN: "He had no idea he had been involved in an accident," said St. Petersburg, Fla., police officer Mike Jockers. But indeed Ralph Parker, 93, had hit a pedestrian on a busy street at about 45 mph. The 52-year-old man smashed half-way through Parker's windshield -- and stayed there as Parker kept driving. He drove, apparently unaware of the body, until he got to a bridge's toll plaza, three miles away. The toll taker thought the body on the car was a Halloween prank until Parker stopped to pay the toll -- and the body slid the rest of the way through the windshield. When police asked Parker where the dead body in his car came from, he said it must have "fallen out of the sky." Police took Parker's license from him (it doesn't expire for five more years) and will ask the motor vehicle department to conduct a competency hearing toward revoking it permanently. (St. Petersburg Times)
...One down, tens of thousands left to go.

***

DEAD MEAT: Diane Johnson, 74, of Ormond Beach, Fla., was pretty shocked by what she found in a pork loin she got at a local supermarket: a bullet. A spokesman for Publix grocery stores said the chain is perplexed: they scan their meat with a metal detector before it goes on the shelf. And he couldn't explain how a bullet would get into grocery meat in the first place. But the store doesn't have to brace for a lawsuit: "I don't plan to sue anyone because no one got hurt," Johnson said, noting she was quite satisfied with the $10 refund from the store -- and a replacement roast. "I hope there's no bullets in it," she said. (AP)
...No lawsuit? Well there you have it: Florida really IS a strange place!

***

JUST ANOTHER HUM-DRUM DAY IN FLORIDA: "Alligator Eats Cocker Spaniel"
-- Tampa Tribune headline

______________________________

The young woman approached the executive in front of his office and said, "Please sir, give to take a wayward girl off the street."

"And how much do you suggest I give?" he asked.

"It depends," she smiled, "How long do you want to keep her off of it?"

______________________________

DDL

Mary had a little skirt  
Split right up the sides,  
And every time she wore that skirt  
The boys could see her thighs.  

She also had another skirt  
Split right up the front  
But she never wore that one...

______________________________

There is a new shoe for lesbians called Dike. It comes with an extra long tongue and you can get it off with one finger.

***

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

***

"The lady at the bank asked, 'What do you want on your checks, wildlife, scenery?' I said, 'I want a picture of a big, thick-necked guy on my checks. A bouncer - that's what my checks are going to be.'"
-Bob Kubota

***

"No matter how much money you make, you always need an extra $40 a week. I'm sure it was Einstein who first stated: Expense equals salary plus forty bucks."
-Jeffrey Jena

***

"I fell in love once, and I thought she fell in love with me too. Are you familiar with the situation? I sat with an engagement ring, waiting for an answer. I was a single guy with an engagement ring. It was like having a loaded gun laying around the house. I was frightened I'd marry somebody by accident."
-Jake Johannsen

______________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

Big brains mean 'tiny testicles'

From:  By Nick Buchan

December 07, 2005

Age-old argument ... scientists say size does count, WOMEN have suspected it for millennia, and scientists have finally proved it - men cannot have both big brains and big testicles.

Brainiacs and scholars everywhere may gnash their teeth, but according to a recent study of bats, nature forces the males of a species to make a painful trade-off between mental capacity and sperm production.

Because of the high-energy demands of both brains and sperm, scientists believe males cannot generate large amounts of both.

Bats were ideal subjects for the study. Some female bat species are unusually promiscuous, so natural selection led to males evolving enormous testicles in order to compete with more virile suitors - however at the expense of their brain capacity.

Male bats from less promiscuous species, in which the female is guarded by a single partner, had relatively large brains.

"Because relatively large brains are metabolically costly to develop and maintain, changes in brain size may be accompanied by compensatory changes in other expensive tissues," wrote Dr Scott Pitnick in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Letters.

"Relatively small brains were found in species that have females that mate promiscuously, are polyandrous and assemble in multi-male/multi-female roosts," wrote the scientists.

"Male promiscuity, by contrast, had no evolutionary influence on relative brain dimension."

Despite these findings however, intelligent males should not despair. While the "whether size matters" debate over may have been settled, the "quality over quantity" battle is just heating up.

**********

Man 'Blessed' By Snacks Shaped Like Jesus, Mary

Man Finds Religious Onion-Flavored Figures Under Car Seat

POSTED: 10:04 am EST December 7, 2005

CRAWLEY, W.Va. -- A West Virginia law clerk says he has been blessed by two onion-flavored snacks shaped like the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus.

John Mize, of Crawley, says he found the religious figures in a pile of crushed Funyun snacks under his car seat.

He says they may have helped him to recently graduate from law school, pass the bar exam and land his dream job as a law clerk. He also avoided a traffic ticket. Mize put the snack food pieces up for sale on eBay last month and the winning anonymous bidder offered $609 for them.

Mize says he auctioned them to "bring a little joy and fun into someone else's life."

**********

Nebraska Judge Says 128 mph Not 'Reckless'

Wed Dec 7, 4:35 PM ET

NEBRASKA CITY, Neb. - Speeding is not necessarily reckless, even at 128 mph, a judge ruled in the case of a motorcyclist who tried to flee from state troopers.

With some reluctance, County Judge John Steinheider ruled last week that Jacob H. Carman, 20, was not guilty of reckless driving on Sept. 5, when he was spotted by a trooper who then chased him at the top speed of his cruiser's odometer — 128 mph.

"As much as it pains me to do it, speed and speed alone is not sufficient to establish reckless driving," the judge told Carman on Friday. "If you had had a passenger, there would be no question of conviction. If there had been other cars on the roadway, if you would've went into the wrong lane or anything, I would have convicted you."

Otoe County prosecutor David Partsch acknowledged that Carman could have been charged with speeding but, "We felt that the manner in which he was operating the motorcycle was reckless."

Carman didn't get off entirely. He was fined $300 for expired tags and other violations.

Ask Before You Take My Picture, Bitch !