Subject: Daily Dose - 060125 - George's Collection
Today's collection courtesy of
George in Winnipeg....
****
My wife and I are watching "Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do
you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your
final answer?"
"Yes," she replied.
Then I said, "I'd like to phone
a friend."
That's the last thing I remember.
______________________________
The Reverend Jesse Jackson was
holding a press conference in the appliance department of a Sears store in
Chicago. He was there to protest the fact that all the washing machines were
white.
So the clerk called the store
manager, who asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?"
Jesse pointed at the machines and
loudly bemoaned the fact that all of them were white.
The manager replied, "Well,
Reverend, it's true that all the washing machines are white, but if you'll open
the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."
______________________________
Waxing ( I almost peed my pants
reading this)]
My night began as any other normal
weekday night. Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the
thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I
should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my
demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of
hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm
and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes
right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but
I am mechanically inclined enough I can figure it out.
YA THINK!!!
So I pull one of the thin strips
out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them
together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it, to 1000 degrees! Cold wax my
ass (Oh how this phrase haunts me!)
I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but
it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Shera,
fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extrodinaire. With my next wax
strip, I move north....
After checking on the kids I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my
panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the
wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my
vagina and stretching down to the inside of my ass cheek (Yes, it was a long
strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself.
RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from
pain!!!!....Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
of the strip. SHIT!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and
spotted. Do I hear crashing drums???
OK, back to normal. I want to see my
trophy - my wax covered pelt that has caused me so much pain. I want to revel
in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip but there
is no hair on it. Where is the wax???
Slowly I eased my head down, foot
still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair that should be on the
strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
SHIT !
I peel my fingers over the most
sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair and
then make the next big mistake..remember my foot is still propped up on the
toilet.
I know I need to move to do
something. So I put my foot down and then I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass?? Sealed shut.
I penguin walk around the bathroom
trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ! "I hope I don't get
the urge to poop. My head may pop off."
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand,the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off right??? WRONG
I get in the tub - the water is
slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize
surgical equipment - I sit.
Now the only thing worse that having
your business glued together is having them glued together and then glued to
the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which by the way doesn't melt the
cold wax.
So now I'm stuck to the bottom of
the tub!!
I call my friend thinking surely
she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. Its a very good
conversation starter "So, my ass and cooch are stuck to the bottom of the
tub!"
She doesn't have a secret trick but
does try to hide the laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where is
the wax on the ass "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's
laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she
suggests I call the number on the side of the box .
YEAH Right!! I could be the joke of
some one else's night.
While we go through various
solutions. I result in scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better
than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the
tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!
I then find the most beautiful
saving grace.... that is the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. I
rub some and scream "IT works!! It works!!
I get a hearty congratulations from
my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder
of the wax and then notice to my dismay...The hair is still there...all of it.
So I shaved the shit off...
Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then I
put the wax back in the medicine cabinet, I may have a mustache that needs work
someday..
Next week I'm going to try hair color.......
______________________________
Prime Minister Paul Martin was
invited to address a major gathering of the Canadian Indian Nation two weeks
ago in Northern Canada. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for
increasing every Native's present standard of living, should he be
re-elected. He also referred to his career as Finance Minister.
Although the Prime Minister was
vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future
ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers".
At the conclusion of his speech, the
Tribes presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking
Eagle. The proud Prime Minister then departed in his motorcade, waving to the
crowds.
A news reporter later inquired of the
group of chiefs as to how they came to select the new name given to the Prime
Minister.
They explained that Walking Eagle is
the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
______________________________
Lovely Dinners
A woman is enjoying a good game of
golf with her girl friends one day. Suddenly she blurts out, "Oh, no! I
have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really angry
if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she
doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the house
is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens
the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf
just as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then
watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner.
To her surprise, the husband is
really enjoying his dinner.
"Darling, this is the best
dinner you have made for me in 15 years of marriage. You can make this for me
any old day."
Needless to say, every golf day from
then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners
about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill
him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around when
one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat
food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing
you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied. "I
didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his
ass."
______________________________
You know You're having a bad day when.......
A black cat crosses your path and
drops dead.
You see your wife and your
girlfriend having lunch together.
The plumber floats by on your
kitchen table.
The pest exterminator crawls under
your house and never comes out.
Stores give you the senior citizen
discount and you're only 37.
Your plants do better when you don't
talk to them.
Your horn sticks on the freeway
behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
Your twin forgets your birthday.
Your income tax refund check
bounces.
It costs more to fill up your car
than it did to buy it.
The bird singing outside your window
is a vulture.
Your blind date turns out to be your
ex-wife.
You put both contacts in the same
eye.
Your mother approves of the girl you
are dating
Your doctor tells you that you're
allergic to chocolate
You have to borrow from your Visa
card to pay your MasterCard.
You have to hitch-hike to the bank
to make your car payment.
You invite the Peeping Tom in... and
he says, "No."
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to
refund your money.
You call your wife and tell her that
you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, you find a sandwich on the
front porch.
You wake up face down on the
pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it
fits better.
You see a "60 Minutes"
news team waiting in your office.
You wake up and discover your
waterbed broke and then realize you don't have a waterbed.
Your boss tells you not to bother to
take off your coat.
You call your answering service and
they tell you it's none of your business.
Your wife says, "Good morning,
Bill" and your name is George."--
______________________________
Having Sex Is Like . . .
"Having sex is like playing
bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately
doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of
mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women, chief
amongst which is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying
to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the 9 reasons
for reincarnation. The other 8 are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake
orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white
men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed
like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony
in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget
where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how
bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense
of humor ......)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the
Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have
sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey,
women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do
undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental,
whereas, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis.
Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex
condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in
men's magazines because men think: 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me
somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married
again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart
