Subject: Daily Dose - 060122 - False Teeth, THIS is TRUE, Sad Story, DDL,
Rotten News
False Teeth :
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry
to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table,
he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he
said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No
problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of
false teeth."Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too
loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try
these."
The speaker tried them and
responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all.
He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try these."
The speaker said, "They fit
perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over,
the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to
thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a
good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a
dentist. I'm the local undertaker.""
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
HEE YAH! Ten-year-old twin girls in
Vienna, Va., were awakened after midnight by an intruder. It was a masked man
who broke into their family home and went straight to their bedroom, police
say. He grabbed one of the girls and tried to gag her, which woke up her
sister. The two girls, who have been taking martial arts lessons for self
defense, "responded the way they were instructed to," said a police
spokesman: they beat on him. The ruckus awoke their parents, and their father
quickly arrived and beat the man with a table lamp, but he escaped. Their
mother recognized the man's voice: it was the girls' Tae Kwan Do instructor,
she said. Police went to the home of instructor Andrew M. Jacobs, 42, and
arrested him after he admitted he was the burglar. Police noted he had bruises
on his face. (Vienna Connection, Washington Post)
...The good news is, he's not all that good at Tae Kwan Do. The better news is,
he teaches it really well.
***
HER 15 MINUTES OF FRAME:
"N.Y.'s No. 1 Escort Reveals All" trumpeted the cover story in New
York Magazine. Inside it told the story of Natalie McLennan, 25, who boasted of
her career as a prostitute in the Big Apple. She told of how she earned $2,000
per hour, with a two-hour minimum. Then she hit the talk show circuit in hopes
of getting her own TV show. The police saw her publicity blitz too: McLennan
was arrested and charged with money laundering, prostitution and promoting
prostitution. She faces 15 years in prison. (New York Times)
...So much for her best-laid plans.
***
IN FOR A PENNY, IN FOR A POUNDING:
An auditor for a bank in Swansea, Wales, opened the safe at a branch and found
three empty cash boxes -- and a note reading "I have borrowed 7m pounds
from the Halifax," signed Graham Price. Price, 58, was the branch manager,
who disappeared when the theft was discovered. The audit found more like 10
million pounds (US$17.6 million) had gone missing over four years. Price was
tracked down and pleaded guilty to 43 charges of theft, and suggested
prosecutors might like to look into 263 other counts. He says he spent all the
cash on horse races; he is so broke that he had to get his attorney from the
legal aid society. (London Times)
...You'd think his bookie would be rich enough by now to make a donation toward
his defense.
***
FLY ME: Marc Tacchi of Vancouver,
B.C., Canada, saw a special being offered by Air Canada: a North America
Unlimited Pass for C$3,500 per month (US$3,000) that not only allows unlimited
flights, but also gives him frequent flier miles. "I was in Miami on
Monday, I think," Tacchi said, but mostly he's flying back and forth
between Vancouver and Victoria, since he gets a minimum of 500 miles credited
per flight, and that flight only takes 15 minutes each way. Plus, as a
"super elite" frequent flier, he not only gets free upgrades to
business class so he can get plenty of sleep on his longer, overnight flights,
but he also earns 2.75 times his actual flight miles, so he racks up about
19,000 mile credits per day. He plans on hitting a million miles in less than
two months so he has enough credits to fly free for several years. But what
about work? No problem: he sleeps enough onboard that he can put in his usual
time at his job. He's a Boeing 767 cargo pilot. (Canadian Press)
...At least he now knows how his cargo feels.
***
WE CAN FIGHT ALL NIGHT LONG:
"Two Accused of Bringing Stolen Coffee Maker to White Plains Brawl"
-- White Plains Journal News headline
______________________________
Sad Story
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a
convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story
skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they
were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they
would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott,
"Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on
something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for
the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the
way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped
telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing
& Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story
first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!.
______________________________
DDL
There was a young lady called Alice
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
The padre agreed
'Twas done out of need
And not out of sectarian malice.
______________________________
"A new study found that sleep
is essential to creativity. I'd just like to say that we have the most creative
audience in all of television!"
--Craig Kilborn
***
"A new study says that it
actually takes men longer to shop on the internet then it does for them to shop
in an actual store. Well of course! There's no naked women at the stores."
--Jay Leno
***
"The hunting season in New York
has begun. I love hunting season. And what is more American than accidentally
shooting your drinking buddy?"
--Dave Letterman
***
Watching from the Club house
overlooking the 10th green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their
balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist
fight.
The Golf Captain stormed out from
the Club house to separate the fighting men. "Why are you fighting?"
he asked.
"You see," said one of
them, "my partner just had a stroke and now these assholes want to count
it on the scorecard."
***
They now have an Italian airline
that flies out of Genoa.
It's called Genitalia.
***
Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave
their legs?
A: So they won't be mistaken
for feminists.
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Students Get Pig's-Eye View of
History
By LISA CORNWELL, Associated Press
Writer
Sun Dec 11, 2:53 PM ET
CINCINNATI - Move over, Miss Piggy.
Step aside, Porky. It's time to share the swine spotlight with real pigs.
The contributions of an animal that has been reviled, mocked and dined upon for
centuries are being recognized in a Xavier University class highlighting
American pig history.
"As I was doing research, I
found pigs popping up in rather significant settings," said assistant
history professor Karim Tiro, who teaches the class.
Few realize that swine sailed to the
New World with Columbus, sparked wars between colonists and American Indians
and helped pioneer the assembly line, he said.
He covers those and other topics in
"A History of the Pig in America with Especial Reference to the City of
Cincinnati Otherwise Known as Porkopolis."
The last part of the quirky title
refers to a city that has had a love-hate relationship with pigs since its
heyday as the center of the U.S. pork-packing industry.
Easy access to river transportation
and farmland helped turn Cincinnati into the pork processing capital of the
world by the 1840s — and the target of international jokes about its "Porkopolis"
image.
Appalled at the sight of pigs being
herded or roaming wild through Cincinnati streets in the late 1820s, British
author Frances Trollope wrote that she would have liked the city better if the
people "had not dealt so very largely with hogs."
"Cincinnati's connection with
pigs has always been seen both as a serious economic issue and a point of humor
or ridicule," said Dan Hurley, assistant vice president for history for
the Cincinnati Museum Center.
The Xavier students say they have learned
how pigs and the development of the pork industry reflect broader trends in
history. They also have learned to overlook the grins and giggles that often
erupt at the mention of their class.
"But when I tell people what we
have learned, they don't laugh as much, and they usually think it sounds
interesting," said Tara Cleveland, 21.
**********
Police turn to Higher Authority for
higher pay
Sun Dec 11, 8:51 AM ET
JERUSALEM (Reuters) - Hollywood has
Robocop. The Holy Land has "rabbicops".
Hundreds of Israeli policemen are
under investigation on suspicion of undergoing a quickie rabbinical ordination
for a monthly stipend of 2,000 shekels rather than any sense of religious
calling, Haaretz newspaper said in a weekend expose.
Citing Justice Ministry sources, it
said the affair came to light after a policeman-cum-rabbi was probed for
domestic violence, and investigators noticed his padded paycheck. Wages for
Israeli police begin at around 4,000 shekels (246 pounds)
**********
NYC School Shows How to Bait, Trap
Rats
By SARA KUGLER, Associated Press
Writer
NEW YORK - City officials — hoping
better educated foot soldiers can wage a smarter battle against an all-time
high rat population — have opened the Rodent Control Academy, an insitution of
higher learning about vermin that scurry around in low places.
The city enlisted Bobby Corrigan to teach a decidedly creepy curriculum that
strives to show city workers how to properly bait, trap and poison the rodents
in ways that don't just drive an infestation down the block.
Rodent complaints and health
department exterminations are at unprecedented highs in New York, and the
little ruffians are everywhere — scampering through subway tunnels, rooting
through trash, dashing across parks, burrowing into the walls of apartment
buildings. They can transmit disease, start fires by gnawing on electrical
cords, and sometimes bite, usually children and the elderly.
Now, any agency that ever deals with
a single rat is sending its employees to the Rodent Control Academy, where
Corrigan schools them about everything regarding rats and the best practices
for getting rid of them, putting all city departments on the same page.
To lead the academy, the city tapped
Corrigan, a world-renowned expert who once spent months living in a
rat-infested barn to better study the rodent's behavior.
Anyone can kill off a few rats by
laying poison and setting traps, but rooting out an entire population from a
neighborhood takes interagency coordination and planning.
Students learn in the course that
the average rat eats one ounce of food every 24 hours, so a family of 16 rats
consumes an entire pound ( 0.45 kilograms) every day.
Sloppy sanitation is often to blame
for keeping them fed.
*************
BUENOS AIRES, Argentina -- The
traditional obelisk in downtown Buenos Aires, Argentina, is covered with a
giant condom, Thursday, Dec. 1, 2005 to mark this year's World AIDS Day with
campaigns for HIV/AIDS prevention. (12/02/05 AP photo)