Subject: Daily Dose - 060118 - Christmas gift, BIZARRE NEWS, Dennis
Miller's Advice, DDL, Rotten News
Three blondes are sitting in a café,
talking about what to get their boyfriends for Christmas.
"It's funny," said
Samantha. "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I blow him! I think I
should get him some ball warmers for Christmas."
"You know what?" replied
Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"
They turn to the third blonde,
Candi, and asked, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I
never put Chris's thing in my mouth!" exclaimed Candi.
"You're crazy," Samantha
piped up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy! You should try
it! It would make a great Christmas gift for Chris!"
Candi says she'll think about it.
The next time they meet at the café it is Boxing Day and Candi is sporting a
wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the Jenny asked.
"How did you get that black eye?"
"Chris hit me when I was
blowing him," Candi said.
"What on earth for?" the
Jenny asked.
"I don't know," Candi
replied. "I was giving him his Christmas present like you two suggested. I
mentioned how strange it was that his balls were so warm, when Pete and
Richard's were so cold, and he punched me."
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Hula Hoop Facts
* The Hula Hoop was the first major
fad created and fueled by the new power in America - TV ads.
* The Hula Hoop originated in
Australia, where it was simply a bamboo exercise ring used in gym classes.
* According to the British Medical
Journal, the Hula Hoop was responsible for an increase in back, neck, and
abdominal injuries.
* Indonesia banned Hula Hoops
because they "might stimulate passion." Japan forbade them on public
streets.
* In the Soviet Union the hoop was
seen as a "symbol of the emptiness of American Culture."
* Hula Hoop Endurance records:
longest whirl - four hours (over 18,000 turns), by a 10-year-old Boston boy;
most hoops twirled simultaneously - 14, by an 11-year-old in Michigan.
[From Uncle John's 4-Ply Bathroom
Reader]
***
This Diamond Wasn't Forever...
BOSTON - Imagine one man's surprise
when he opened his car door to find a diamond ring resting on the seat.
The $15,000 diamond engagement ring,
left by an anonymous gift-giver, was accompanied by a typed note. "Merry
Christmas. Thank you for leaving your car door unlocked. Instead of stealing
your car I gave you a present. Hopefully this will land in the hands of someone
you love, for my love is gone now. Merry Christmas to you," it read.
The man was at a train station when
he found the three-diamond ring with a white-gold band on his seat. He reported
the incident to police, and decided to keep the ring after a jeweler appraised
its value at $15,000.
***
Bring Back That Lovin' Feeling
LONDON - Good news for the
ten-million British men who suffer from premature ejaculation - a new treatment
has been developed to make sex last four times as long.
The anaesthetic spray, which dulls
feeling in the private regions prior to sex, was tested on 43 men. The results
showed it increased sex romps from 54 seconds to a whopping four minutes and 48
seconds.
This lipstick-sized spray will be
licensed and should be on sale in about two years.
Spray pioneer Dr. Michael Wyllie,
who also developed Viagra, is excited about this new product. "We are
almost certainly going to save some marriages," he remarked.
***
Put Your Money Where Your Boobs Are
FORT WORTH, Texas - A Texas woman
used money she got from a friend's charity agency to augment her breasts
instead of treating cancer she claimed she'd developed.
A state district judge in Fort Worth
sentenced Alicia Fruin, from nearby Southlake, to one-year probation, the Fort
Worth Star-Telegram said Thursday. Most of the money was repaid.
Kimberly Dobbs helped Fruin get
funds through her Little Angels charity for needy infants. Fruin, who had known
Dobbs for two years, had told her she had ovarian cancer and could not pay
medical bills.
Instead of cancer treatment, Fruin
used the money to increase her breasts two bra cup sizes, bilking the Little
Angels charity out of nearly $15,000, the newspaper reported.
***
Couple Who Meet On A Bus Marry On A
Bus
SACRAMENTO - A couple who met on a
Sacramento bus and got engaged and decided to tie the knot on that bus.
Deborah Hensley and Mark Caliguire
said their vows Wednesday on board Regional Transit No. 68, the Sacramento Bee
reported.
The bus was parked for the occasion.
Seating was necessarily limited, with family and friends seated along the
aisle. They hummed "Here Comes the Bride" for a wedding march.
Caliguire said Hensley attracted him
immediately when he first saw her last March.
"She looked so sweet," he
said. "She seemed so happy."
The two started chatting and Hensley
ended up missing her stop. Six months later, Caliguire and Hensley took a ride
on the 68 Bus and he brought out an engagement ring.
"The bus system has definitely
been very good to us," Hensley said.
______________________________
Dennis Miller's Advice to Men About What Women Want
1 - Foreplay is not a privilege; it
is a birthright.
2 - If you take her out to a fancy
restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
3 - Quit blowing smoke up women's
asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with
some decent, affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go
to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more idiots in
Congress blathering about orphanages.
4 - Equal work for equal pay. Look
around you at work, guys. Look at... say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the
cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a
slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent less than
Carl. Hellooo ...
5 - This is very important: during
lovemaking, don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right?
It's not funny.
6 - When her mouth moves, pay
attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
7 - Pass a law that makes it
compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in
their videos.
8 - Don't ask her if she came.
You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should *know* if she came.
9 - Don't tell her how to merge and
she won't tell you to ask for directions.
10 - When she catches you cheating
on her and she cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.
______________________________
DDL
There once was a man named Matt
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat.
I'm willing to bet,
The only pussy he gets
Is when he goes home to his cat.
______________________________
"We have had terrible rain
storms here in California. Yesterday Beverly Hills got six inches of water.
Three of which were sparkling."
--Jay Leno
***
Students at school were asked to
write about the harmful effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote,
"When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and
all the sardines were dead."
***
On a high school science quiz, there
was the question, "When water becomes ice which of its physical properties
increases?"
Everyone answered, "Its
volume.." Except one wise guy who wrote, "When water becomes ice, its
price increases."
***
"In disturbing medical news, a
new study of 1,000 Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten
so bad that there actually were, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans
involved in the study."
--Dave Barry
***
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse
to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat
hairy girls.
--Barry Bartlett
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Tue 17 Jan 2006
Far-right 'charity' that leaves
Muslims hungry
SUSAN BELL
IN PARIS
FAR-right groups in France are
distributing ham sandwiches and pork soup to homeless people in an attempt to
discriminate against Muslims and Jews, forbidden to eat pork products. Food
hand-outs, which have already taken place in Paris, Nice and Nantes, and in
Brussels and Charleroi in Belgium, have now spread to the eastern French city
of Strasboug.
At the weekend, Strasbourg's prefect
banned the extreme right association Solidarité Alsacienne from distributing
its soupe au cochon (pig soup) to poor and homeless people in the city centre.
On Saturday, police intervened to close the soup kitchen after Solidarité
Alsacienne defied the ban and began distributing food in one of Strasbourg's
main squares.
Chantal Spieler, Solidarité Alsacienne's
president, was escorted to police headquarters and given a formal warning
before being joined by her husband, Robert Spieler, a former MP for Jean-Marie
Le Pen's far-right National Front party.
Mr Spieler denounced "a
totalitarian regime" where soon "they'll be banning salami".
He said: "Pork is a European
symbol, whether we like it or not. The day when there are laws forbidding the
distribution of pork in Alsace I believe there will be a lot of us who will
leave France and take refuge in a country where there is still a certain
culinary freedom." His wife said she would appeal against the prefect's
decision.
"Pork is part of our culinary
culture and we are offering the soup to everyone, so there is nothing
discriminatory about it," she said.
The philosophy behind Soulidarieta,
which means solidarity in the local dialect, is made clear in the association's
literature, in which it claims: "Our people face being submerged by a
rising black demographic tide," and announces "the launch of a voluntary
social and political action in favour of our most deprived blood
brothers".
The group's slogans call for
"solidarity with our European brothers", and "Our own kind first
before others".
Pierre Levy of the Council
Representing Jewish Institutions in France, who attended the first distribution
of pork soup last month, denounced Bloc Identitaire's operations as "using
human misery to establish ethnic separation".
**********
TV in the bedroom halves your sex
life - study
Mon Jan 16, 12:53 PM ET
ROME (Reuters) - Thinking of buying
a TV for the bedroom? Think again -- it could ruin your sex life.
A study by an Italian sexologist has
found that couples who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex half as often as
those who don't.
"If there's no television in
the bedroom, the frequency (of sexual intercourse) doubles," said
Serenella Salomoni whose team of psychologists questioned 523 Italian couples
to see what effect television had on their sex lives.
On average, Italians who live
without TV in the bedroom have sex twice a week, or eight times a month. This
drops to an average of four times a month for those with a TV, the study found.
For the over-50s the effect is even
more marked, with the average of seven couplings a month falling to just 1.5
times.
The study found certain programmes
are far more likely to impede passion than others. Violent films will put a
stop to sexual relations for half of all couples, while reality shows stem
passion for a third of couples.
**********
Naked-marriage-sex ban
From: Agence France-Presse From
correspondents in Cairo
January 11, 2006
AN Egyptian cleric's controversial fatwa claiming that nudity during sexual
intercourse invalidates a marriage has uncovered a rift among Islamic scholars.
According to the religious edict
issued by Rashad Hassan Khalil, a former dean of Al-Azhar University's faculty
of Sharia (or Islamic law), "being completely naked during the act of
coitus annuls the marriage".
The religious decree sparked a hot
debate on the private satellite network Dream's popular religious talk show and
on the front page of Al-Masri Al-Yom, Egypt's leading independent daily
newspaper.
Suad Saleh, who heads the women's
department of Al-Azhar's Islamic studies faculty, pleaded for "anything
that can bring spouses closer to each other" and rejected the claim that
nudity during intercourse could invalidate a union.
During the live televised debate,
Islamic scholar Abdel Muti dismissed the fatwa: "Nothing is prohibited
during marital sex, except of course sodomy."
For his part, Al-Azhar's fatwa
committee chairman Abdullah Megawar argued that married couples could see each
other naked but should not look at each other's genitalia and suggested they
cover up with a blanket during sex.
***************
January 18, 2006
Hamster and snake make a strange
pair as they form friendship at Tokyo zoo
TOKYO (AP) - Gohan and Aochan make
strange bedfellows: one's a nine centimetre dwarf hamster, the other is a
1.2-metre rat snake.
Zookeepers at Tokyo's Mutsugoro
Okoku zoo presented the hamster - whose name means meal in Japanese - to Aochan
as a tasty morsel in October, after the snake refused to eat frozen mice. But
instead of indulging, Aochan decided to make friends with the furry rodent,
according to keeper Kazuya Yamamoto. The pair have shared a cage since.
"I've never seen anything like
it. Gohan sometimes even climbs onto Aochan to take a nap on his back,"
Yamamoto said.
Aochan, a 2-year-old male Japanese
rat snake, eventually developed an appetite for frozen rodents but has so far
shown no signs of gobbling up Gohan - despite her name.
"We named her Gohan as a
joke," Yamamoto chuckled. "But I don't think there's any danger.
Aochan seems to enjoy Gohan's company very much."
The Tokyo zoo also keeps a range of
mostly livestock animals, and promotes "cross-breed interaction,"
according to Yamamoto.
But Gohan and Aochan's case was
"was a complete accident," Yamamoto said.