Subject: Daily Dose - 060117 - man with no arms, BIZARRE NEWS, bad line, DDL, Rotten News

There was this guy who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he couldn't imagine life without playing music, sports and all the other things that he took for granted.

One day he could not stand it anymore and decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms continued dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I'm NOT happy, you one-armed dickhead! My ass itches."

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Statements from Politicians

"Pilots are human, like everyone else. Pilots can get into arguments. Pilots can get angry. They can get depressed."
--Nancy Hwa, Spokeswoman for Handgun Control, on arming airline pilots with guns

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate."
--Former Vice President Dan Quayle

"I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators."
--Former President Gerald R. Ford

"The President is the last person in the world to know what the people really want and think."
--Former President James A. Garfield

"The Congress didn't vote themselves a pay raise. We simply did not deny ourselves that normal increase in our cost of living that every other worker in America not only expects but insists upon."
--House Leader Dick Armey

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results."
--Calvin Coolidge, Former President

"There are so many women on the floor of Congress, it looks like a mall."
--Representative Henry Hyde

"This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating."
--President Bush

"I spent several years in a North Viatnamese prison camp, in the dark, fed with scraps. Do you think I want to do that all over again as Vice President of the United States?"
--Senator John McCain

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Boy Makes A Splash During Fund-Raising Swim

SAN FRANCISCO - A 9-year-old San Francisco boy has accomplished what many former prisoners of Alcatraz couldn't achieve - he swam the 1.4 miles from the island to shore.

Johnny Wilson took the plunge Monday as part of a fund-raising effort for victims of Hurricane Katrina, and took 75 minutes to make the crossing, the San Francisco Chronicle said Tuesday. Wearing a bathing cap and wetsuit to protect him from the 53-degree waters, the boy was accompanied by two other swimmers, two manned kayaks, and a Coast Guard helicopter hovered overhead.

Wilson, who has been swimming since he was three, stopped once to eat an energy bar, and then continued.

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Homecoming Dances Encourage Some Heavy Breathing

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. - Students who attend Santa Barbara High School or Dos Pueblos High School's homecoming dances this weekend may have to take a Breathalyzer test before entering.

Santa Barbara's Principal Paul Turnbull said that officials will screen every third or fourth student who arrives and anyone who seems drunk. At Dos Pueblos High, administrators will only use the test if they think there is a problem, according to Principal Quentin Panek.

"There's a lot of heavy drinking going on," said Penny Jenkins, executive director of the local nonprofit Council on Alcoholism and Drug Abuse. "Something's got to be done."

***

Cambodian Couple Out for Blood

PHNOM PENH, Cambodia - A Cambodian couple bit off more they could chew when they attacked their 12-year-old child early Thursday morning.

Chheng Chhorn and Srun Yoeung bit off their daughter's thumb nails and a small chunk of her nose to drink her blood. Neighbors arrived and rescued the girl after hearing her screams. The girl was treated in a hospital in Kampong Cham, about 50 miles east of Phom Penh, and then placed in the custody of other villagers.

Relatives took her parents to a black magic healer to try and chase away the evil spirit that was believed to possess them.

"We, the police, just have no idea what offense to charge them with," police official Keo Norea Phy said.

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A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his father, "Dad, I hate to ask, but I need to borrow 200 dollars."

At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."

The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"

"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.

The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, But I can hear him perfectly clearly."

The father says, "Good. YOU send him the money!"

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DDL

A Italian instructor called Ted
Was wonderfully active in bed.
But one night he'd a virgin
With aversion to mergin',
So he buggered her bum till it bled.

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"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends."
--Scott Ostler

***

I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'
--Dave George

***

"I believe blind people can fall in love, too, so I don't believe in love at first sight."
--Ashton Kutcher, actor, philosopher

***

What do you call a 350 pound stripper?

Broke.

***

"He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of."
--Mae West (1892-1980)

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Rotten News....  (true)

Man in Traction Flees New Zealand Hospital

Tue Dec 13,11:13 PM ET

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - Police were hunting Wednesday for a man who fled a New Zealand hospital spinal unit wearing a traction apparatus and with both arms in casts.

The man disappeared Wednesday from the Burwood Spinal Unit in the southern city of Christchurch wearing a traction "halo" to correct a serious neck injury and elbow-to-wrist plaster casts, police said in a statement.

Removing the halo could cause potentially fatal injuries, police said.

It was not immediately clear how the man sustained the injuries that put him in hospital, nor why he fled before completing his treatment.

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December 13, 2005 

Colombians marketing cola with real 'coke' in it

BOGOTA, Colombia (AP) - A new soft drink made in Colombia may not be cola but it's definitely coca.

A Nasa native company in southern Colombia has created a golden, carbonated drink made from coca leaf extract and they plan to market it as an alternative to Coca-Cola.

Coca Sek goes on sale this week in parts of Colombia but its makers said they probably won't be able to export to the United States or most other countries due to rules blocking the entry of raw coca, the plant from which cocaine is refined.

"Six years ago we took on the job of trying to re-establish the good name of the coca leaf, which is a plant with enormous medicinal properties," said David Curtidor, a Nasa who heads the community company that produces the drink in the tiny southwestern town Calderas.

The soda looks like apple cider, has a tea-like fragrance and tastes vaguely like a cross between 7-Up and ginger ale. The physical effect of drinking it - even after several bottles - is minimal.

"It's an energizing drink," Curtidor said. "It's like coffee, since it is lightly stimulating."

Curtidor said the drink also is a political statement against transnational companies such as the Coca-Cola Co., which "symbolizes imperialist domination."

Coca Sek's makers said raw coca leaf extract is a key ingredient in their soda.

The company, which has 12 to 15 employees at a small bottling plant, does not have the funds needed to carry out tests to pinpoint how much naturally occurring cocaine alkaloid makes its way into the drink, Curtidor said. But the company has done tests showing all alkaloids - which include cocaine and other substances - make up less than one-half of one per cent of the drink.

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December 13, 2005 

There's no room left at the cemetery, so mayor proposes a ban on death

By STAN LEHMAN

BIRITIBA MIRIM, Brazil (AP) - There's no more room to bury the dead, they can't be cremated, and laws forbid a new cemetery. So the mayor of this Brazilian farm town has proposed a solution: outlaw death.

Mayor Roberto Pereira da Silva's proposal to the town council asks residents to "take good care of your health in order not to die" and warns that "infractors will be held responsible for their acts."

The bill, which sets no penalty for passing away, is meant to protest a federal law that has barred a new or expanded cemetery in Biritiba Mirim, a town of 28,000 people 70 kilometres east of Sao Paulo.

"Of course the bill is laughable, unconstitutional, and will never be approved," said Gilson Soares de Campos, an aide to the mayor. "But can you think of a better marketing strategy . . . to persuade the government to modify the environmental legislation that is barring us from building a new cemetery?"

A 2003 decree by Brazil's National Environment Council bars new or expanded cemeteries in so-called permanent preservation areas or in areas with high water tables. Environmental protection measures rule out cremation.

At least 20 towns within 95 kilometres of Biritiba Mirim have a similar dilemma, de Campos said, though none has ordered its citizens not to die.

Biritiba Marim isn't the first Brazilian town to draw attention with an unusual law. A few years ago, a mayor in Parana state banned the sale of condoms, arguing that his town needed to increase its population to keep qualifying for federal aid. Drugstores ignored the ban.

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REDMOND, Ore. -- Cy, short for Cyclopes, a kitten born with only one eye and no nose, is shown in this photo provided by its owner in Redmond, Oregon, on Wednesday, Dec. 28, 2005. The kitten, a ragdoll breed, which died after living for one day, was one of two in the litter. Its sibling was born normal and healthy. (01/09/06 AP photo)