Subject: Daily Dose - 060116 - "bad" words, THIS is TRUE,
translator, DDL, Rotten News
The administration of this
particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which
words were "bad" words. Among those initiated to the category was
"suck" (when not referring to the principle of suction).
One day a child came up to the
teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word.
"What was the bad word he
said?" asked the teacher.
"I can't say it."
"It's ok to tell me, you won't
get in trouble for it."
"No, it's too bad, I don't want
to say it."
"Well I have to know what he
said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying
it?"
"Well... it rhymes with
'fuck'"
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
THE DRUG-DRIVEN LIFE: After Brian
Nichols grabbed a deputy's gun and shot his way out of the courthouse in Fulton
County, Ga., killing four people, Ashley Smith was hailed as a hero. Smith, who
Nichols took hostage in her own apartment after his rampage, told police how
she convinced him to surrender by talking about God and reading aloud from the
book, "The Purpose-Driven Life". Now, Smith is putting out her own
book which details how she really got Nichols to cooperate: she gave him her
supply of crystal methamphetamine. Smith admits she was a meth addict and had
used the drug hours before she was taken hostage. "Do you smoke it? How do
you do it?" Nichols asked her when she handed her stash over. She prepared
the drug for him so he could snort it. "You gave him drugs, Ashley,"
she said to herself at the time, but, she says now, "God led me to do
that." Smith received $70,000 in rewards for capturing Nichols, and says
she no longer takes drugs. (Atlanta Journal-Constitution)
...Someday, maybe we'll revere people who succeeded without ever getting
addicted to drugs, rather than people who overcame them after being showered
with money and fame.
***
WHAT TELEVISION IS FOR:
"Supermodel" Tyra Banks is "really tired of this rumor,"
she says. "It's something that's followed me forever." What's that? A
"rumor that I have fake breasts. But I just want to show you
something," she said on her TV show as she reached under her shirt and
removed her bra. "This is the natural me," she declared. "But
this probably isn't enough for some people, so I'm going to take it a step
further." She had a plastic surgeon come on stage and perform a live
sonogram of her breasts to prove there were no implants. "Tyra Banks has
natural breasts," concluded Dr. Garth Fisher. (Miami Herald)
...With that important crisis averted, we can now turn to trivial things like
war and hurricane recovery.
***
DOUBLE TROUBLE: Sumter County, S.C.,
sheriff's deputy Jay Follin, 27, has been fired by his department after an
internal investigation found he was not divorced from his first wife when he
married his second. He also may be charged with bigamy. The situation came to
the department's attention when Kelly McLeod, Follin's second wife's first
husband, complained to investigators that his wife had married Follin even
though McLeod was still married to her. (Columbia State)
...Hey: at least they're all demonstrating their regard for the sanctity of
marriage.
***
MORE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE: Charles
Edward Hicks, 61, was charged with bigamy in Fairfax County, Va., after a
string of marriages. Hicks has married seven times over the past 40 years, and
remains married to two women, prosecutors say. Here's where it gets complicated:
when Hicks married wife No. 7, they say, he was still married to No. 6. But his
marriage to No. 6 may not have been a legal marriage because he was still
married to No. 5 at the time. He was granted a divorce from No. 5 three weeks
later, and now wife No. 6 has asked prosecutors to charge him with bigamy in
that case as well. Assistant Commonwealth's Attorney Katie Swart has dropped
all charges until she can sort it all out. (Washington Post)
...Which motion she made to the judge by saying, "Not now -- I have a
headache."
***
THIS COULD EXPLAIN YOUR STOCK MARKET
INVESTMENT PERFORMANCE: "Psychopaths Could Be Best Financial Traders
--Research"
-- Reuters headline
______________________________
A New York judge is ready to go
through the day's business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an
elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.
The judge, without asking a
question, says to the clerk: "Quick...get me a translator."
Translator shows up and the judge says:
"Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come
from?"
The translator says: "Die judge
vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"
The old man smiles, looks at the
judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: "Your Honour. My
name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come from
England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University."
The translator turns to the judge
and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig
yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun
Oxford."
______________________________
DDL
I, for one, John, have missed Daily
Ditties.
've been bombarded with ads to show titties.
Glad that wind didn't rent
Your particular bent
To write verse, quite a few of them witties.
______________________________
"Thanks to the invention of the
telescope, planets that are 100 billion miles away look to be only 50 billion
miles away."
--John Wagner
***
"There's nothing in the world I
wouldn't do for Walter O'Malley. There's nothing he wouldn't do for me. That's
the way it is - we go through life doing nothing for each other."
--Gene Autry
***
In 1815 French chemist Michael
Eugene Chevreul realized the first link between diabetes and sugar metabolism
when he discovered that the urine of a diabetic was identical to grape sugar...
...It was also the first step in realizing he had WAY too much time on his
hands.
--(Isaac Asimov's BOOK OF FACTS)
***
Feminism encourages women to leave
their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism,
and become lesbians.
--Pat Robertson - speech at GOP Presidential Convention (1992)
***
"If you have any trouble
sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done."
--Scott Adams, creator of "Dilbert"
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Jail Officials: Pink Cell Is Calming
MAQUOKETA, Iowa - Jackson County
Jail may have Iowa's most passive drunkards. That's because Sheriff Russ
Kettmann has painted the jail's drunk tank pink — a color some believe has
calming effects.
The idea was inspired by former Iowa football coach Hayden Fry, who decades ago
painted the visitors' locker room pink to give the Hawkeyes an edge.
Except Kettmann added his own touch
— the cell's ceiling is filled with stars and moons.
"Hayden Fry said it would have
a soothing and calming effect on the visiting team, so I figured this would
soothe the prisoners," the sheriff said. "I really looked hard to
find those half-moons to add to the decor."
Kettmann had the cell decorated
about five years ago when the other cells were being painted the traditional
gun-metal gray.
Fry's idea drew ire from some who
claimed Kinnick Stadium's pink locker room promoted sexism and homophobia. Two
members of the university's law school complained this year to the
administration, which refused to abandon Fry's decorating strategy.
Meanwhile, jail officials said
people tossed into Jackson County's drunk tank have been agreeable to their
surroundings.
Jail administrator Mark Pape
acknowledges that prisoners in other cells have told him the color is
"ugly," but prisoners who have actually seen the cell from the inside
have not complained.
"I think the color could have
an effect on them," he said. "They do calm down. But, of course, they
are drunk and tend to either sleep or pass out."
**********
Couple arrested for 'sex rage'
December 10,
2005
THEY were jetting off for a holiday in Kingston, Jamaica, and the drinks flowed
freely during the ten-hour flight.
Intoxicated, the couple, who were
seated in business class, decided to submit their membership for the 'mile-high
club' in one of the toilets.
But the British Airways flight staff
became suspicious after hearing cries of passion from the loo, and the randy
couple was ordered to stop and return to their seats.
Randy quickly turned into angry.
Stunned passengers watched in horror
as the couple fought with flight staff.
A passenger told The Sun: 'They were
asked politely to return to their seats but went ballistic. They were shouting
vile abuse and spitting at staff.'
Another said: 'The captain tried to
calm them down but they were just as abusive to him.'
And despite being restrained with
plastic handcuffs, the pilot decided he had no choice but to divert the 777 jet
to Bermuda.
The couple, who were booked on a
two-week holiday, were held by police in Bermuda and put on a flight back to
Gatwick yesterday.
Now the duo, from Luton, Beds, have
been arrested and face being charged with air rage. They may also have to bear
the 20,000 ($58,950) cost of diverting the plane.
**********
Policemen Destroy Desk After Python
Scare
Mon Dec 12,10:32 PM ET
MANILA, Philippines - A python
caused a commotion at a Manila police station Tuesday, with rattled policemen
used to battling tough criminals forced to destroy an officer's desk where the
snake slithered in to hide, officials said.
Policemen and village volunteer
guards at the station in Manila's Quiapo district managed to subdue the animal,
but one police sergeant ended up with his desk destroyed so the python could be
extricated from its drawer without being harmed.
"The policemen on duty were
afraid, but they could not leave because it would embarrassing to run away
while a television camera was filming the whole thing," Senior Police
Officer Cesar Sabile said with a chuckle.
The incident started before dawn
when a bystander saw the python near a fast-food restaurant in nearby Sta. Cruz
district.
Village guards managed to capture
the snake and bring it to the police station. But the python quickly slithered
out of it's captors' grasp and sneaked into a small opening on a policeman's
table, causing a commotion.
The unharmed python was later turned
over to Manila Zoo representatives
