Subject: Daily Dose - 050601 - Victoria's Secret, BIZARRE NEWS, I remember you, DDL, Rotten News

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new panties to get Grandpa in the mood.

The sales lady talked her into buying a real nice, bright red crotchless pair. Grandma put them on and waited for Grandpa to come home.

When Grandpa came home, Grandma was all laid out on the bed spread-eagle, pointing down to the new crotchless panties she had on.

She said, "Come on Grandpa, you want some of this?"

Grandpa said, "Lord no, it done ate a hole in your panties."

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BIZARRE NEWS....

The Bizarre Jobs of Celebrities Before They Were Famous

Geena Davis was a live mannequin in a New York department store.

Huey Lewis slaughtered rabbits: he had to hit them over the head with a pipe, then skin them and gut them.

Ellen DeGeneres was a vacuum-cleaner saleswoman.

Rod Stewart was a gravedigger.

Whoopi Goldberg worked as a makeup artist for a funeral parlor.

Russell Crowe was a bingo caller.

Kevin Richardson played a Ninja Turtle at the Disney-MGM Studios theme park.

Liam Neeson was a forklift driver at the Guinness brewery in Belfast.

Nathan Lane was a police bail interviewer.

Ben Kingsley worked as a penicillin tester.

Willem Dafoe was a magazine binder at Penthouse.

***  

They Don't Call It Dope For Nothing

STATESBORO, Ga. - While waiting on his co-workers for lunch, Sgt. Jason Kearney was asked for a ride from a man named Ron Stone. The Deputy approved of Stone's request and insisted on searching him for weapons. He told the Sergeant to proceed with the search which ended with the discovery of two small bags of marijuana.

Stone informed the officer that the drugs didn't belong to him, but to a friend whose house he spent the night at recently.

Well, Stone did receive a ride to the Bulloch County Jail and coincidently he had an outstanding warrant in another county for, you guessed it, marijuana possession with intent to distribute.

***

Secret Service Job Not All It's Quacked Up To Be

WASHINGTON - Secret Service agents know it's their job to serve and protect. But I bet they never expected to be serving and protecting a duck.

Usually it's just Washington VIPS that get Secret Service protection, but now a mama mallard is getting the special treatment.

The duck recently took up residence outside the Treasury Department and is watching over her nine eggs. The sidewalk has been fenced off by officials and the Secret Service is keeping an eye on the nest.

Officials expect that once the eggs hatch, the mother duck will most likely parade her ducklings to the nearest body of water.

Of course, a Secret Service escort will be on hand for that event if needed.

***

Fraternity Pledge Blown Away By Hazing Incident

SAN FRANCISCO  - A fraternity at the University of California, Berkeley has been suspended after members hazed a pledge by repeatedly firing a BB gun at him.

The potential member of Pi Kappa Phi had been shot at least 30 times and had to be treated for welts and bruises.

The frat was put on an "interim suspension," which means members are barred from any fraternity activities and strictly limits their use of the chapter house.

"We're also investigating students who were actually involved in the alleged shooting," said university spokeswoman Marie Felde.

***

Trunk Roomy Enough For Thief

FRESNO, Calif. - A security guard alerted police after hearing banging coming from the inside a car's trunk. Initially police thought that a person was inside and was the victim of a crime, but discovered a different scenario.

The unidentified suspect crawled into the trunk while looting the car and became trapped inside when the lid closed and locked over him.

The perp now faces two counts of thief.

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I'm a young guy who hates to cook. She's a beautiful waitress who serves food. Of course, I was in love. But even though I frequently ordered out from her restaurant, I figured she didn't even know I existed.

Then one day, after placing an order, I asked if she needed my name.

"No," she said. "I remember you."  

Now I was on cloud nine. But I quickly fell back to Earth when I got my food. Inside the bag was the sales slip. On it she had written, "Cheeseburger, Med.--Fries--Large Coke, for nerdy guy with bad haircut."

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DDL

To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
He constructed a bed
Out of tree trunks and said,
"Even adders can multiply on a log table."

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"How disgusting is this? here it is folks, this is the end of the world. A restaurant in Decatur, Georgia is now serving a double bacon cheeseburger that is served between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. We are now officially ancient Rome. This is the end of our civilization as we know it. In fact, they don't know how many calories are in the thing because nobody can count that high!"
--Jay Leno

***  

"It was a beautiful spring day here in New York City today. It was so nice I saw construction workers giving the Statue of Liberty her annual bikini wax."
--Dave Letterman

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"I can't believe this is a news story. Paris Hilton was in the news today because she burned herself on the exhaust from her new Ferrari. After getting burned she said, 'That's hot.'"
--Conan O'Brien

***

A few years ago, my doctor diagnosed me with CRS - Can't Remember Shit.

Yesterday, he gave me the bad news that I now have the more advanced stage of the disease - CRAFT -Can't Remember A Fucking Thing!

***

Q: Why do women have arms?

A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

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Rotten News....  (true)

School Mistakes Huge Burrito for a Weapon Fri Apr 29, 4:08 PM ET

CLOVIS, N.M. - A call about a possible weapon at a middle school prompted police to put armed officers on rooftops, close nearby streets and lock down the school. All over a giant burrito.

Someone called authorities Thursday after seeing a boy carrying something long and wrapped into Marshall Junior High.

The drama ended two hours later when the suspicious item was identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt.

"I didn't know whether to laugh or cry," school Principal Diana Russell said.

State police, Clovis police and the Curry County Sheriff's Department arrived at the school shortly after 8:30 a.m. They searched the premises and determined there was no immediate danger.

In the meantime, more than 30 parents, alerted by a radio report, descended on the school. Visibly shaken, they gathered around in a semi-circle, straining their necks, awaiting news.

"There needs to be security before the kids walk through the door," said Heather Black, whose son attends the school.

After the lockdown was lifted but before the burrito was identified as the culprit, parents pulled 75 students out of school, Russell said.

Russell said the mystery was solved after she brought everyone in the school together in the auditorium to explain what was going on.

"The kid was sitting there as I'm describing this (report of a student with a suspicious package) and he's thinking, 'Oh, my gosh, they're talking about my burrito.'"

The burrito was part of Morrissey's extra-credit assignment to create commercial advertising for a product.

"We had to make up a product and it could have been anything. I made up a restaurant that specialized in oddly large burritos," Morrissey said.

After students heard the description of what police were looking for, he and his friends began to make the connection. He then took the burrito to the office.

"The police saw it and everyone just started laughing. It was a laughter of relief," Morrissey said. "Oh, and I have a new nickname now. It's Burrito Boy."

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April 29, 2005, 4:00 PM PDT

Camera phone saves man from deadly spider

If you happen to come across giant spiders in your kitchen every now and then, you might want to pay attention to this one. A British chef bitten by the world's deadliest arachnid was saved after snapping a photo of it with his camera phone.

According to a story in the Times Online, Matthew Stevens was bitten twice on the hand by a Brazilian Wandering Spider as he cleaned behind the freezer of his pub. The creature, not generally associated with life in England, is believed to have arrived as a stowaway in a box of bananas.

Before the swelling and dizziness hit, the 23-year-old snapped a picture of his assailant to prove to friends just how big it was (very big--about 5 inches).

Later, as Stevens' condition deteriorated and doctors fought to save his life, they were able to send the picture to experts at the Bristol Zoo, who identified the spider and told doctors which type of anti-venom was needed.

The Brazilian Wandering Spider, or Phoneutria fer, is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's most poisonous spider, with venom glands up to 10mm long (just under half an inch) containing enough poison to kill 225 mice.

Not good news for patients at the Musgrove Park Hospital in Taunton, where Stevens was treated. In a follow-up story, the BBC News reported today that the spider, which had been captured and brought to the hospital, was accidentally released onto the grounds by a staff member who thought it was harmless. However, the freed spider is not thought to pose a health risk as experts say it would have died soon after its release.

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"I said to him the other day, 'George, if you really want to end tyranny in this world, you're going to have to stay up later.' Nine o'clock and Mr. Excitement here is in bed and I am watching 'Desperate Housewives' -- with Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a desperate housewife."
--First lady LAURA BUSH at the White House correspondents dinner.

"I was a librarian that spent 12 hours a day in the library. Yet somehow I met George."
--LAURA BUSH again

DALLAS -- Tim Thibodeaux is perched precariously atop" Big Tex" as he prepares the 52-foot-tall talking cowboy figure for the opening of the State Fair of Texas. Big Tex made his debut in 1952 and began greeting fairgoers in 1953. (09/20/04 AP photo)