Subject: Daily Dose - 050531 - Nikita Kruschev, BIZARRE NEWS, army is now
your home, DDL, Rotten News
There was a man in a hospital who
thought that he would die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his
last wish. Nurse he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita
Kruschev." (you know, a president of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair
on his head).
"Nikita Kruschev? But he is
dead for a long time."
"I don't care I want to kiss
his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!"
The nurse didn't know what to do.
Then she thought of something. As the man did not wear his glasses the nurse
takes her beautiful breasts out of her bra and offers the left one to the man.
He holds it, caresses it and very moved.
He said, "Oh my dear Nikita, my
old friend!! How happy I am to see you again!"
He was kissing her left tit so
warmly that the nurse started liking the whole situation. She asks the man,
"What about kissing president Eisenhower's head."
"Yes!! Is he here too?"
"Of course he is here,"
she says, and offers him her right tit.
"Oh my dear president how happy
I am to see you here," said the man, kissing again and again,
"Eisenhower."
The nurse liked all that very very
much; and started to feel her privates getting moist; so she asks the man,
"What about Fidel Castro?"
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Colonoscopy Humor
[A physician claims these are actual
comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies.]
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're
boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart
yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was
sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we
there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas,
we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped
miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in,
you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a
Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit,
you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if
you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an
executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note
for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
***
Pick On Someone Your Own Size
A midget mother and daughter decided
they weren't going to put up with the taunting of their neighbor any longer.
Three-foot-eight Debra Shea and her
3-foot-6 daughter, Concelean Pegues, testified against their neighbor Joseph
Izzo, who was busted last week for spray-painting a yellow line leading up to
their house and telling them to "follow the yellow brick road."
Izzo was also accused of yelling
racial slurs at Pegues and singing, "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we
go."
A man who said he was Izzo's friend
said that recently, Izzo and Shea would get into drunken fights and would often
call the authorities on each other.
***
It Looks Like This Car's Shot
LAUDERDALE-BY-THE-SEA, Fla. - News
emerged on Wednesday that a 64-year-old man was jailed for shooting his own car
at point-blank range.
Broward Sheriff's Office spokesman
Hugh Graf said John McGivney, 64, walked out of his apartment with a .380
caliber semi-automatic pistol in his hand Friday afternoon. The man walked up
to his 1994 Chrysler LeBaron, paused, and then fired five rounds into the hood.
The sound of shots brought the
property manager, George Haberkorn running, who asked McGivney what he was
doing. "I'm putting my car out of its misery, George," McGivney said
before walking back inside.
With a bullhorn, Broward sheriff's
deputies ordered McGivney out with his hands up. He complied and was charged
with a firearms violation.
***
Nature Calls and Two Shots Fire
SAN ANTONIO, Texas - According to a
police spokesman, an off Duty police officer was attending an auto auction when
he had to use the washroom.
When Officer Craig Clancy lowered
his pants in the restroom his pistol fell from his waist. When it reached the
floor two shots rang out. One bullet hit the floor tile and the other caught
the leg of a bystander washing his hands.
The injured man was treated for the
gun shot at a nearby hospital. Officer Clancy is currently under investigation
by internal affairs.
***
Busted For Reefer and Shot in the Keister
GRASS VALLEY, Calif. - It just
wasn't Brandon Sander's day.
After being shot in the rear end,
Sanders called for help. Paramedics and police found the wounded Sanders in a
parkIng lot sitting in his car.
According to Sheriff Keith Royal, a
deputy smelled marijuana at the scene. After following a blood trail to some
bushes, three large bags of pot were discovered. Deputies also recovered a
large roll of money near Sanders' car.
The investigation is ongoing and
will surely continue to be a pain in the rear for Sanders.
______________________________
During an army basic training, the
lieutenant took the batch on a match and asked each of them where home was.
After everyone had answered, he sneered and said "you are all wrong, the
army is now your home".
Back at the barracks, he read the
evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to say;
"you bet I do" the
sergeant replied, "men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly
made, clothes not hanging correctly, shoes not shined and footlockers a mess.
Where do you think you are? Home?"
______________________________
DDL
A lock-keeper's lass in Upavon,
Had locks that were black as a raven;
On her head they were straight,
But they curled near the gate
Which led to her innermost haven.
______________________________
"Yesterday was 'Take Your
Daughters and Sons to Work Day'. Which means today is
'Stay-Late-At-Work-To-Catch-Up-On-All-The-Things-You-Couldn't-Get-Done-Because-Your-Kid-Was-Bothering-You-In-The-Office
Day'."
--Jay Leno
***
"President Bush met with the
king of Belgium... and said 'I love your waffles.'"
--Craig Ferguson
***
"A Pennsylvania woman convicted
of shoplifting was sentenced to wear a badge that reads 'Convicted Shoplifter'.
However, her laywers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading
"I'd Rather Be Stealing".
--Jimmy Fallon
***
"'Some people see things that
are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all of that garbage.'
--George Carlin"
***
"Atomic weapons haven’t created
a new danger for us; rather they have only increased the potential efficiency
of an old danger- that of mankind’s fear of other’s differences and how to
reduce those fears by reducing the others."
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Strange News
In Pullman, Wash., officials blamed
a crystal prism for a fire that destroyed a truck.
Hanging from the dashboard, it
reflected sunlight onto a stack of papers on the dash, causing them to ignite.
The truck's owner had received the
bauble as a gift from his insurance company.
**********
Spider-Man comic swings cross
cultures into Bombay By Rina Chandran
Mon May 2, 1:04 PM ET
BOMBAY (Reuters) - Dressed in a
flowing dhoti, or a sarong, pointy shoes and a familiar red mask, he will swing
between three-wheeled motor rickshaws and scooters down crowded Indian streets
to take on the evil Rakshasa, or demon.
Creators of India's Spider-Man, who
is called Pavitr Prabhakar, hope he will soon be as well-loved as the original
one, Peter Parker.
Gotham Entertainment Group (GEG),
based in Bangalore and New York, has launched four issues of the comic in the
United States and will introduce the first of the four-part series in India
next month, in a deal with Marvel Enterprises Inc.
"The culture of India and Asia
is increasingly finding an audience in the West," said Gotham Chopra,
president of Gotham Studios Asia and son of feel-good guru Deepak Chopra.
"The superheroes of tomorrow will be cross-cultural."
Like Parker, Prabhakar is an orphan
who lives with his aunt and uncle in Bombay, India's answer to New York City.
And like many residents of India's
film capital, he dreams of becoming a movie star. The source of his powers is a
yogi, or an ascetic, not a radioactive spider, and his enemy is a business
tycoon who turns into a rakshasa, or demon, with a magic amulet.
Gotham Studios, a joint venture with
Deepak Chopra and film director Shekhar Kapur, will create original Indian
properties based on mythology and folk tales, which it hopes will influence
popular Western culture much in the same way that Japan's manga comics and
anime animation style have.
"As Asia flexes its economic
and cultural muscle, when some of the superheroes take off their masks, they
may have Indian or Chinese faces," said Deepak Chopra, who has
successfully marketed an Eastern brand of spirituality in the West.
"It may take some getting used
to -- seeing Spider-Man climbing the Bombay Stock Exchange, rather than inching
up a New York skyscraper -- but some will think it cool," said Murali
Gopalan, a comic book enthusiast.
**********
India plans black sandcastle for Taj
Mahal birthday
NEW DELHI (Reuters) - India plans to
build a giant black sandcastle of the Taj Majal, one of the wonders of the
world, to mark the 350th anniversary of the famous symbol of love, newspapers
said on Tuesday.
The 8-metre replica will be build on
the banks of the Yamuna river, across from the Taj where legend has it that
emperor Shahjehan who built the tomb for his lost wife originally planned a
black marble version for himself.
great bar stools....