Subject: Daily Dose - 050530 - elephant, THIS is TRUE, Aaaaaauuuggghhh, DDL,
Rotten News
A family is enjoying a day at the
circus when the young boy points at the elephant. He says, "Mom whats that
long thing on the elephant?"
She says, "That's his
trunk."
He replies, "No mom, behind the
trunk."
She says, "Well that's his
tail."
Frustrated, he says, "No mom, I
know what the trunk and tail look like but it's in front of his tail."
She says, "Oh that's
nothing."
He turns to the father and says,
"Hey dad what's the long thing on the elephant not his trunk or his
tail?"
The father says, "Well that's
the elephant's penis, son."
Puzzled the boy looks up at his
father and says, "Well why'd mom say it was nothing?"
The father puffs his chest out and
says, "Well son, I spoil that woman!"
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
AND YOU THOUGHT U.S. COURTS WERE BAD
II: When he was 14 years old, Philip Dederer, now 20, ignored signs posted on a
bridge in New South Wales, Australia, prohibiting diving. He dove to the river
below and broke his neck. Left paraplegic, he sued the Roads and Traffic
Authority and the Great Lakes Shire Council, and was awarded A$1,400,000. The
judge reduced the award by one-quarter since Dederer was judged 25 percent at
fault, leaving him A$1,050,000 (US$809,000). The basis for the award: the signs
didn't say why diving was prohibited, and because kids still dive there.
"I wouldn't like to see another person get into the same position as I
did," Dederer said. (Australian AP)
...Maybe in return for the taxpayer-supplied windfall, Dederer can spend eight
hours a day parked on the bridge to talk to the kids there.
***
DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN: When Mitch
Wyman's Charleston, S.C., home was burgled, one of the things the thief took was
his guitar. It was the same one that had been stolen in a burglary at the Wyman
home four years before, and "still had the evidence tag" from that
case, says Wyman's wife, Theresa. The suspect's name had a familiar ring to it
too: Richard Wayne Cook, 44, who was convicted for the first burglary, was
arrested at the music store where he allegedly tried to sell the stolen guitar.
It was the same store that helped Wyman get it back the first time. "This
guy is a moron," Theresa said. Mitch agreed, noting "It's to the
point to where we're going to have to get a burglar alarm for one person."
(Charleston Post and Courier)
...Or a shotgun.
***
STINGER STUNG: Canadian Fred
Gilliland, 53, allegedly bilked investors out of $29 million in a 1999
investment scam from an office in Florida, and was a U.S. fugitive. He had
returned to Canada to live in luxury, allegedly continuing to pull stock scams
and avoiding extradition back to the U.S. One of Gilliland's alleged victims
ran a sting: he befriended Gilliland, then took him into the U.S. for lunch in
Point Roberts, Wash., a tiny spur of U.S. soil accessible by land only via
Canada. U.S. authorities had been briefed and let them through without asking
for identification. Just over the border Gilliland was arrested and hauled back
to the mainland to face trial. What got him to take such a risk? He was
promised a 2-for-1 lunch special at a Point Roberts restaurant. Once Gilliland
was in custody, "I said, 'Now you have 3,650 free lunches coming to
you'," said the victim, whose name was kept secret. (Vancouver Sun)
...There's no such thing as a free lunch.
***
HOLY SMOKE: Reading Psalm 45, Karen
Tosterud of Vermillion, S.D., noted that the Messiah's "robes are all
fragrant with myrrh and aloes and cassia" and decided "that gives the
formula for Jesus' scent when he returns." So she and her husband are now
selling "His Essence" candles that "smell like Jesus." They
retail for just $18. Tosterud shrugs off criticism that "we're out to trash
Jesus and make a lot of money." Rather, she says, "We're sincere
Christians who are practicing a ministry." (Minneapolis Star Tribune)
...Smells like Jesus? To me, it smells more like the money-changers in the
temple.
***
A FOOL FOR A CLIENT: "Man Who
Represented Himself Appeals Competence of Attorney"
-- AP headline
______________________________
Joe sets up his chum Michael to go
on a blind date with a friend of a friend of his. But Michael is a little
worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do
if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Joe says,
"just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then
everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake
an asthma attack."
So that night, Mike knocks at the
girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy
she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:
.."Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
______________________________
DDL
"This case" said the cops,
"sure does pickle us.
Searching for this man's thing does not tickle us.
It was somewhere around here
That she threw this man's gear,
But to us the whole thing is ree-dick-alus."
______________________________
"My boyfriend won't see
anything he terms a 'chick flick'. That's any film where a woman talks."
--Maura Kennedy
***
I have the most marvelous recipe for
meat loaf! All I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says,
"Let's eat out!"
***
"On Monday mornings I am
dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks."
--H. Allen Smith
***
"This has all the earmarks of
an eyesore."
--James McSheehy, member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, commenting
on a construction project he opposed.
***
Edward Hale, while chaplain of the
U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?"
He quickly replied, "No. After
getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
34 maggots nestled in her nose
AFP[ TUESDAY, MAY 03, 2005 11:08:42
AM ]
BANGKOK: Doctors in northern
Thailand have removed almost three dozen fly maggots from a woman's nose, where
they were eating their way towards her brain, a report said Tuesday.
The 38-year-old pig farmer from the
north-western city of Chiang Mai is believed to be the first reported case in
Thailand of maggots nesting in a human's nose, Tawee Thanuparprangsan of Nakhon
Ping hospital told The Nation newspaper.
The 38-year-old woman visited the
doctor in late March, complaining of excruciating pain in her left cheek.
"I checked her nasal cavity and found a lot of fly maggots there,"
Tawee told the paper.
The maggots had eaten so much of her
nasal tissue that some of her cartilage was exposed, Tawee added. He
anesthetized the woman and during an operation removed 34 maggots from inside
her nose.
"She then needed antibiotics to
treat the bacterial infection for five straight days before being allowed to
return home," Tawee told the paper.
As a pig farmer, the woman was
exposed to many flies every day. "Probably while she was sleeping, a fly
went up her nose and laid its eggs, which then hatched into larvae," Tawee
said.
If the infected area had spread to
her brain, she could have died, Tawee added.
Last week, the paper reported that
an 84-year-old man on the southern resort isle of Phuket had 50 maggots removed
from his ear, after he went to a hospital complaining of an itch.
He had scratched his ears so hard
that they started bleeding, and doctors said that flies apparently had gotten
inside and laid eggs.
Last week, the same hospital removed
an eight-centimetre-long (three-inch) leech from throat of a 19-year-old man
who had complained of a constant sore throat.
**********
Thirty Oxford students hurt in May
Day leap into shallow river
By Marco Giannangeli
(Filed: 02/05/2005)
More than 30 people were injured
yesterday after dozens of Oxford undergraduates misjudged the level of the
River Cherwell during a May Day celebration.
A record number of students jumped
25ft from the Magdalen Bridge in the ritual soaking, ignoring emergency
barriers erected to deter them.
As 8,500 students gathered on the
bridge to listen to the traditional dawn choir, more than 100 people, some
still wearing formal ball gowns and dinner jackets from the previous evening's
May Ball, clambered over the fencing,
But most were unaware that the
Cherwell, after an unusually dry spring, was just 3ft deep.
While paramedics treated some
students at the scene for minor injuries, 10 were taken to hospital with spinal
injuries, broken legs, ankles and ribs.
One man had a serious back injury
after another jumped on top of him and a Russian woman was impaled on the 6ft
fence. Thames Valley police said the fences had been put up on Saturday and
said officers were unable to prevent revellers from making the jump.
Insp Justin Archer, head of
operations in Oxford for Thames Valley police, said he was disappointed that so
many had ignored their warnings. "These people are taking up valuable
resources at the hospital, nursing staff and other patients' beds and in my
view, are irresponsible," he said.
**********
Boy finds snake in cereal packet Wed
May 4, 7:37 AM ET
LONDON (Reuters) - A boy tucking
into his breakfast had a nasty surprise when he discovered a two-foot long
snake inside his packet of cereal.
Jordan Willett, 5, thought he had
found a toy when the serpent -- a harmless corn snake -- slithered out of the
packet of "Golden Puffs" his parents had bought from discount store
Netto in Telford.
"It was quite long and popped
its head up. I've seen snakes on TV before but never in a box of cereal,"
he told the Daily Mail newspaper.
Netto said on Wednesday it was
talking to its suppliers to review procedures and check on its stock.
"This does seem to be a bizarre
incident but we are treating it seriously," said Netto trading director
Clive Cooper.
Corn snakes, which feed on mice and
birds, are commonly kept as pets around the world.
Putting the T in NaTzi