Subject: Daily Dose - 050528 - speech therapy, BIZARRE NEWS, golf balls, DDL, Rotten News

A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."

Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."

He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."

The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"

He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre British News Bits

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
"Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled 'For The Sick' is for monetary donations only."

From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
"Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case."

From The Gloucester Citizen:
"A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."

From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes":
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

From The Derby Abbey Community News:
"We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr. Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force.' This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr. Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."

From The Times:
"A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common these days.'"

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Man Gives Chick Mouth-to-Mouth

COLLBRAN, Colo. - A Colorado man says that he brought a young chicken back from the dead by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Uegene Safken of Collbran told the Grand Junction Sentinel he found the chick -- purchased a few weeks ago for $1.50 -- floating in a tub of water. The young bird appeared lifeless.

Safken first tried swinging the bird by its legs to get the water out of its lungs and then began blowing into its beak. He also tried yelling "You're too young to die" at the Buff Orpington.

The newspaper says that Safken's girlfriend, Denise Safford, kept telling him to give up because the chicken was dead. But, whether it was the swinging, the mouth-to-mouth or the verbal encouragement, the chicken started showing signs of life and chirping.

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Monkey See, Monkey Do

JOHANNESBURG - It's hard to break a bad habit. Just ask Charlie, a male grown chimp at a South African zoo.

Charlie has been picking up cigarettes thrown to him by visitors and smoking them - and zoo workers want him to quit.

"Baby chimps pick up habits by mimicking adults and we think he started mimicking smokers at his enclosure which probably led to smokers throwing him cigarettes," spokesman Daryl Barnes told SAPA.

Charlie has already exhibited the signs of a true nicotine addict. According to Barnes, the clever chimp will go so far as to hide the cigarette when staff come near him.

Barnes said the most important thing to help Charlie kick the habit is for people to stop providing him with cigarettes.

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Prankster or Prowler?

CHALMETTE, La. - According to a sheriff's report, Chad Caron entered a late-night diner carrying what appeared to be a loaded gun. Deputies said that Caron was dressed in a hooded sweatshirt with a handkerchief over his face. He said that it was a stick-up, but changed his story when a female employee recognized him and addressed him by name.

Caron claimed his manner was nothing more than a joke.

Police didn't see it the humor in it when they received a call from a higher authority about the situation. Caron was arrested and booked for attempted robbery.

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Softball Game Turns To Hardball

ODESSA, Texas - Four softball players face misdemeanor assault charges after attacking two of the game's umpires. Justin Skiles, one of the umps, said he suffered two broken bones in his hands and other injuries after he was accosted at a game.

Some of the assailants allegedly involved had been thrown out of the game only minutes earlier. Another ump was hurt when he went to Skiles aid.

League officials banned the four players for life from the organization regardless of the outcome of the case.

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I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

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DDL

Once a young lady from Yew,
Was dozing one day in her pew.
When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
She said, "Count me in!
And as soon as the service is through!"

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"You know, in a way, I feel for this runaway bride. I once put my name on the list at Applebee's, then changed my mind, panicked, and hid behind a Goodwill drop box for a week."
--Dennis Miller

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"Due to the price of gasoline Dominos Pizza is now charging a $1.00 fee for their deliveries. Don't worry though - your pizza will still arrive piping cold!"
--David Letterman

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"President Bush said last night in his primetime press conference that he wants to limit benefits for rich retirees. At which point Dick Cheney said to Bush, 'Can I talk to you for a second?'"
--Jay Leno

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Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?  

A. Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.

***

"I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require so much cooking."
--Carrie Snow  

***

"Blow in its ear."
--Johnny Carson on the best way to thaw a frozen turkey

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Rotten News....  (true)

Carjack suspect jump-starts his own prosecution

Gregory Alston called police Tuesday morning to say his white Nissan Maxima had been stolen from in front of his apartment building.

Trouble is, the car wasn't his. Police say he had stolen it at gunpoint two weeks earlier. The only reason he couldn't find it was because the victim had spotted it and called police, who towed it away.

Not only did Alston not get the car back, police arrested him and jailed him on charges of armed robbery, possession of a stolen car and a handgun violation.

Why did Alston call police? He had left his wallet in the car and wanted it back.

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Lawn ornament kidnapper warns: Pink heads may roll

May 4, 2005, 10:09 PM

CENTRALIA, Wash. -- Police received a report that six pink flamingo yard ornaments were kidnapped from a yard in Centralia.

The victim received a note from the kidnappers demanding that a ransom of ten candy bars be left in a mailbox.

Otherwise, the note says, pink heads will roll.

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Absent husband returns home ... as a eunuch

Thu May 5, 8:53 AM ET

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - An Indian man who left his wife and two young children two years ago shocked his family when he returned home as an eunuch, wearing garish red lipstick, the Asian Age newspaper said Thursday.

After a fight with his wife, the jobless Nabiullah left his family in Hathipur town in the northern state of Uttar Pradesh in the summer of 2003 to look for work, the paper reported.

During his absence, he got himself castrated and became a eunuch, earning money by singing and dancing, a common form of employment among India's ostracized community of eunuchs.

"I was always fond of singing and dancing, but felt suffocated in my body as a man," Nabiullah was quoted as saying.

His wife, Shama Parveen, fainted when he returned home late last month and now wants a divorce.

"I cannot live with this eunuch and subject myself and my children to social ridicule," she was quoted as saying.