Subject: Daily Dose - 050524 - his first, Hey Martha, What Would You Do, DDL, Rotten News

Wee Willie was walking with Wanda, his new girlfriend, carrying her books home from grammar school. Both were eight years old.

"Wanda," said Wee Willie with a worshipping gaze, "you are the first girl I have ever loved."

"Dammit!" said Wanda, "another beginner."

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Hey Martha....  (true)

March 30, 2005 

Potty-mouth man can't fool science

By IAN ROBERTSON, TORONTO SUN

An allegedly drunk driver with a taste for trickery failed to foil a police breathalyzer machine after stuffing his mouth full of feces.

"I don't think alcohol alone would make you do something as disgusting as that," South Simcoe Police Insp. Tom McDonald said. "I've never heard of anything like this before," the 28-year veteran said.

Arrested Sunday after his Ford pickup truck was pulled over on Hwy. 11 in Stroud, the 59-year-old driver was loaded into a cruiser and taken to a South Simcoe Police station for testing.

En route, Sgt. James Buchanan said, the prisoner vomited, urinated and defecated in the squad car.

At the station the man grabbed a handful of his own waste "and placed it in his mouth, attempting to trick the breathalyzer machine," he said.

It didn't work, Buchanan said.

The machine registered two readings of more than twice the legal blood alcohol limit. The man was charged with impaired driving and driving over the limit and was released on a promise to appear in a Bradford court on May 12.

***

March 29, 2005 

Tourists stabbed for kissing

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - An Egyptian stabbed a Hungarian man and woman, slightly wounding them, after the couple kissed while pausing for a photograph near a mosque at Cairo's popular tourist bazaar, police said Tuesday.

Hesham Mohammed, 36, apparently was upset by the kiss Monday in front of Al-Hussein Mosque, a security official said on customary condition of anonymity. The mosque is adjacent to the Khan el-Khalili market where foreign tourists flock to buy souvenirs and locally made crafts.

The Hungarians, who were not identified, were treated at a nearby hospital for minor wounds, the official said, and Mohammed was being questioned. He was described as unemployed and suffering from severe depression.

Tourism is Egypt's top foreign-currency earner, bringing in more than $7 billion Cdn last year and providing an estimated 2.2 million jobs.

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What Would You Do?

This is a personal experience that I hope I handled the right way. What would you do?

After a extremely heavy Sunday evening of Mexican food, tequila, and dancing I went to work the next day (still drunk) and had what I call "intestinal distress". I got to the restroom in the nick of time to have a sho nuff "screaming shit". Completely relieved I stood up and my company cell phone popped off my belt and landed directly in the tequila sunrise. Would you get it out or........... KA-FLUSH!

That Motorola phone spun around and shot down so fast I couldn't believe it. So now, what to tell my supervisor. I ended up telling him it was stolen out of my gym locker while I was working out. What would you do?

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DDL

I once met this three-breasted whore
A mutant of nuclear war
She had two pussies, I swear
Though neither had hair
And a tongue that hung down to the floor!

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Women & Wine

Women are like fine wine.
They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind
and then turn full-bodied with age
until they go all sour and vinegary
and give you a headache.

***

Kiss

Only two percent of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house.

Ninety eight percent of men kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife!!

***

Out of Ears

Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

***

Look!

Look at the world around you, and you'll see God's creativity;

Look at the dinner table, and you'll see God's providence;

Look at the mirror, and you'll see God's sense of humor.

***

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.

LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

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Rotten News....  (true)

Royal pain: Feds say a Saudi princess enslaved servants in this house

By J.M. Lawrence and Franci Richardson

Thursday, March 31, 2005 - Updated: 02:08 PM EST

A Saudi Arabian princess living in Winchester was arrested yesterday on federal charges of enslaving two Indonesian women to care for her wheelchair-bound prince and unruly sons who allegedly spit on the servants.

Handcuffed and shackled at the ankles, Hana F. Al Jader, 39, a mother of six, was ordered held without bail pending a hearing tomorrow in Boston, where Saudi Arabian Embassy officials said they will appear on her behalf.

``It's just a shame they're taking her away from her children and her sick husband right now,'' her attorney Saher J. Macarius said. ``She's a very simple, pleasant person.''

Al Jader is married to H.H. Prince Mohamed Bin Turki Al Saud, whom Macarius described as a cousin of the king of Saudi Arabia. The couple came to Boston to get medical care for the prince, who was paralyzed in an accident, the lawyer said.

Federal prosecutors claim Jader threatened her maids, identified in court papers as ``Tri'' and ``Ro,'' with ``serious harm or physical restraint'' if they did not obey, and she paid each woman $75 per week while telling immigration officials they earned $375 per week.

Neighbors told the Herald the two maids wore mint green smocks and were spit upon by Jader's five sons, who would arrive home from school and toss their backpacks in the garden for ``Tri'' and ``Ro'' to fetch. The children are 11 and older.

``I asked them, `Why do you treat them so bad?' And they said because they are women,'' one neighbor said.

But a family source close to Al Jader denied the maids were ever abused and said the two women were sobbing when FBI agents took them away last year. The women worked for Jader from February 2003 until November 2003.

Dozens of federal agents raided the home in September, seizing notes, personal items and dusting for fingerprints, according to another source.

A neighborhood source said Al Jader was often seen wearing designer clothes and leaving her home in a limousine. She bought her 62 Cambridge St. home in 2001 for $635,000, and also owns a nearby Arlington home assessed at $1.2 million. The government is seeking to take both properties through forfeiture for being used in a crime.

Assistant U.S. Attorney S. Theodore Meritt said the government will oppose bail for Jader because she is a flight risk.

**********

Thu, Mar 31, 2005

Thief Steals Poop From Woman Walking Dog

SAN DIEGO - The hunt is on for a turd burglar. Police in San Diego are searching for a gunman who swiped a bag of poop from a woman out walking her dog.

The woman told police that she was out walking her dog, Misty, on Monday night when a man in his 20s ran up behind her and grabbed the bag she was holding.

When the gunman discovered what was in it, he threw it down in disgust, pointed his gun at the 32-year-old woman and demanded money, San Diego police detective Gary Hassen said.

He then aimed his .22-caliber semiautomatic at Misty and pulled the trigger twice but the gun didn't fire, Hassen said.

The robber ran to a waiting small, silver car and fled the scene, police said.

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Poll finds Americans too sleepy for sex

Tue Mar 29,12:04 AM ET 

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Many Americans are so sleepy that they are having problems in their marriages, making mistakes at work and even going without sex, according to a report.

The poll by the National Sleep Foundation found that 75 percent of adults frequently have a symptom of a sleep problem such as frequent waking during the night or snoring. But few believe they have a sleep problem and most ignore it.

"Half of the country sleeps pretty well -- the other half has problems," Foundation chief executive Richard Gelula said in a statement.

What is to blame? The survey of more than 1,500 adults found that 87 percent usually watched TV in the hour before going to bed, 47 percent usually had sex and 64 percent read.

"Only about one-half of respondents are able to say on most nights, 'I had a good night's sleep'," the Foundation, which issues regular reports showing Americans do not get enough sleep, said in a statement.

Nearly a quarter of those in a marriage or relationship said they had sex less often or had lost interest in sex because they are too sleepy. The Foundation recommends that adults get between seven and nine hours of sleep a night but the survey found that Americans get an average of 6.9 hours.

Of those surveyed, 60 percent of drivers admitted to having driven drowsy in the past year and 4 percent said they had an accident or near-accident because they were tired or dozing while driving. Almost 30 percent of employed adults said they had missed work, made errors or missed some activity because of sleep-related issues in the past three months.

Most people -- 77 percent -- complained that their partner has a sleep-related problem, usually snoring.

"In my practice, I've found when couples are forced to sleep apart because of one partner's sleep problems, it often has a terrible effect on the relationship," said Dr. Meir Kryger, director of the Sleep Disorders Centre at St. Boniface Hospital Research Centre at the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg and a director of the Foundation.

More than a third of people who described themselves as poor sleepers said their intimate relationships were affected because they are too sleepy, compared to 8 percent of good sleepers.