Subject: Daily Dose - 050523 - popular young Rabbi, THIS is TRUE, diner, DDL, Rotten News

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who  owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every 3 years and his wife with a Honda mini-van to help with the children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee his kids get a fine college education!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 70, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I'll give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck the Rabbi.'"
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THIS is TRUE....

THAT WARM, SECURE FEELING: Auditors for the U.S. Treasury Department tested computer security at the Internal Revenue Service. They called 100 random IRS employees claiming they were from the tax agency's computer help desk to see if the employees would change their passwords to one suggested by the caller. That sort of ruse would allow an identity thief to hack IRS systems and get private taxpayer information. "We were able to convince 35 managers and employees to provide us their username and change their password," auditors said. The audit was a follow-on to a similar test in 2001, when 71 of 100 IRS employees fell for the tactic. (AP)
...What do you expect? They only fired 36 of them in 2001.

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THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES: The New South Wales, Australia, state Health agency issued a report noting that mothers who breast feed produce A$2.2 billion (US$1.7 billion) worth of milk. Thus, it argues, women are food producers and breast pumps should be sold tax-free, just like cow-milking equipment. On hearing the news, a Sydney newspaper dubbed breasts "a treasure chest." (Sydney Morning Herald)
...Which is presumably better than dubbing the women cows.

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PAGING STEPHEN KING: Christine Djordjevic calls her car "possessed" because it starts and moves by itself. Police found that explanation fishy after Djordjevic's driverless car crashed into her neighbor's house -- until they saw it for themselves. They discovered she had bought the car with a remote starter installed, but she didn't know how to use it. Apparently, if the car was parked in gear and she pushed the wrong button on her key fob, the car would lurch down the road. Even after it had happened several times, once even taking off with her son inside, Djordjevic did nothing about it. "I don't even know how the stupid thing works," she says. "It usually does it by accident." (Northwest Indiana Times)
..."Usually"?

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IMAGE PROBLEM: Trying to counter its reputation as "America's Fattest City", Houston, Texas, put on the "Tour de Houston" bicycle event. The response was staggering: at least 2,300 people showed up, raising $50,000 to upgrade the city's parks and recreational facilities. Organizers didn't time the cyclists, noting it was "recreational, not a race." Another reason for the great turnout: participants were given free beer and tacos. (Houston Chronicle)
 ...And they didn't even think that was strange, which gives you some insight as to how they became America's Fattest City.

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ON-THE-JOB TRAINING: "Beer Truck Driver Charged with Drunken Driving"
--AP headline

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A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up.

______________________________

DDL

There once was a versatile whore,
As expert behind as before.
For a quid you could view her,
And bugger and screw her,
As she stood on her head on the floor.

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Poem for women  

He didn't like the casserole,  
And he didn't like my cake.  
My biscuits were too hard...  
Not like his mother used to make.  

I didn't perk the coffee right,  
He didn't like the stew,  
I didn't mend his socks  
The way his mother used to do.  

I pondered for an answer,  
I was looking for a clue;  
Then I turned around and smacked him...  
Like his Mother used to do.

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Visits always give pleasure - if not the arrival, the departure.
--Portuguese Proverb

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I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
--Mark Twain

***

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
--Patrick Monahan

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Rotten News....  (true)

Thursday, 31 March, 2005, 12:39 GMT 13:39 UK 

US army to produce Mid-East comic 

The US military is planning to win the hearts of young people in the Middle East by publishing a new comic.

An advertisement on the US government's Federal Business Opportunities website is inviting applications for someone to develop an "original comic book series".

"In order to achieve long-term peace and stability in the Middle East, the youth need to be reached," the ad says. "A series of comic books provides the opportunity for youth to learn lessons, develop role models and improve their education."

The comic is to be a collaborative effort with the US Army, which says it has already done initial character and plot development. It will be based on "the security forces, military and police, in the near future in the Middle East" and is being produced by US Special Operations Command at Fort Bragg in North Carolina.

Fort Bragg is home to the army's 4th Psychological Operations Group, known as "psy-op warriors", whose weaponry includes radio transmitters, loudspeakers and leaflets.

The unit, whose slogans include Win the Mind - Win the Day and Verbum Vincet (The Word Conquers), is schooled in marketing and advertising techniques. In the past few years, its soldiers have been deployed during conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan dropping leaflets and cartoons urging surrender and broadcasting pro-American messages via radio and television.

According to the advertisement, the successful applicant will ideally need to have experience of law enforcement and "small unit military operations" - along with a knowledge of Arab language and cultures.

The army is aiming to test initial comics on focus groups and based on their success or otherwise, will either be developed further or dropped completely.

The US army's comic could see competition from a new Egyptian publishing venture which has created what it bills as the first Arab superheroes: Zein aka the Last Pharaoh, Rakan, a hairy medieval warrior in Mesopotamia, Jalila, a brainy Levantine scientist and fighter for justice and Aya, a North African described as a "vixen who roams the region on her supercharged motorbike confronting crime wherever it rears its ugly head".

AK Comics says its goal is "to fill the cultural gap created over the years by providing essentially Arab role models, in our case, Arab superheroes to become a source of pride to our young generations."

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Taxpayers Taken in on April 1

Fri Apr 1,11:27 AM ET

OTTAWA (Reuters) - Canada's top tax collector had the citizens of Ottawa up in arms on Friday morning when he announced a plan to force them to file their taxes electronically if they wanted a refund before Christmas.

Revenue Minister John McCallum said on a local CBC radio show he was launching a pilot project in Ottawa called "E-file or Else," with long delays and even a 5 percent surcharge for paper filers.

This prompted calls voicing outrage because some people do not have computers and in any case some had already filed their tax returns.

Before the early morning program went off the air, McCallum's voice came on once more: "To all the taxpayers of Ottawa, April Fools' Day."

Another year the show had a minister proclaiming that the government was replacing the clock on Parliament's Peace Tower -- similar to the British Parliament's Big Ben -- with a digital version.

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Getting to the bottom of an unwholesome obsession

March 23, 2005

HEARD of sphincter bleaching? Beauticians are billing it as the new Brazilian wax.

"In the last couple of months I've had a lot of requests, so I've started some experiments," says Sydney beautician Anna Marsiano from The Bees' Knees salon.

Marsiano says she uses a herbal brand popular in the Philippines as a facial whitener. It is applied to the dark pigmentation around women's rectums as well as to their vaginal areas. Marsiano says the product does not damage the skin and has "rejuvenating" properties.

But another Sydney beautician, asked about her anal lightening equipment, produces a completely different product altogether. It's a cream that clearly states it is designed to be used on hair. This beautician has treated sex workers and strippers for years, but says mainstream demand has risen sharply over the past six months. She acknowledges that her long-term clients (many of whom come in for treatments every six weeks) suffer serious skin problems. "I explain that it will give them eczema and so on, but they want it anyway," she says.

As with all debates about society's relentless pursuit of beauty, however, the answer to "how much is too much?" is hard to ascertain.

Critics should not be so quick to write off glamour-seekers as witless victims. Beauty is currency, with studies showing that spunks of both sexes do better in jobs, schools, relationships and the courts. Devoting time and resources to keeping yourself nice could therefore be viewed as a worthwhile investment.

But making a rational decision about whether to undergo an extreme upgrade such as a labial reduction, a navel reconstruction or an arse implant requires consideration of a tricky cost and reward equation: in short, will X amount of pain, money and risk of disfigurement or death equal Y amount of increased happiness? If it was possible to come up with a definite "yes" to this question, signing up for surgery would make perfect sense.

The good news on sphincter bleaching is that it's safer than anything involving general anaesthetics or fat-vacuuming gizmos. The bad news is that you could be in for a lifetime of skid marks. The chairwoman of the Australian Medical Association's ethics committee, Rosanna Capolingua, says the use of harsh bleaching substances could cause anal burning and scarring. This, in turn, could lead to anal incontinence or an inability to pass stools at all.

Sound attractive? If the figures in the cost and reward equation don't add up, perhaps it's worth giving the bleach a miss and locating a lover who doesn't expect your bum to look like Barbie's.

Atkin's Twinkies !!!!