Subject: Daily Dose - 050522 - Another collection from George
Another collection from George in
Winnipeg....
***
WHO'S THE MOST CANADIAN ???
Two families move from India to
Canada.
When they arrive, the fathers make
each other a bet--in a year's time, whichever family has become more Canadian
will win.
A year later when they meet again,
the first guy says, "My son's playing hockey, I had Tim Horton's for
breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a two-four for tonight. How about you,
eh?"
The second guy says, "Fuck you,
Pakki."
_________________________________
Little Old Lady in court......
Defense Attorney: Will you
please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years
old.
Defense Attorney: Will you
tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was,
sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a
young man comes
creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know
him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he
sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What
happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to
rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop
him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't
stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good.
Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What
happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to
rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop
him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not
stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing
made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What
happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by
then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take
you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He
just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little
bastard!
______________________________
Petey
This should be read out loud.
Petey was a snake, only so big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother.
One day Petey was hissing in
the pit when his mother said, "Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside
the pit to hiss."
So Petey went outside of the pit to
hiss. Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and hissed in
the pit.
Petey's mother heard Petey hissing
in the pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs.
Pott's pit and hiss in her pit.
Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's pit
to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home so he hissed in her pit
anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's pit Mrs. Pott came home and
found Petey hissing in her pit.
She said, "Petey, if you must
hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go to your own pit and hiss."
This made Petey very sad, and
he cried all the way home. When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and
said, "Petey, what's the matter?"
Petey said, "I went over to
Mrs. Pott's to hiss in her pit but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in
her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her pit and said,
"Petey, if you must hiss in a pit go to your own pit and hiss, don't hiss
in my pit."
This made Petey's mother very angry
and she said, "Why that mean old Lady! I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't
have a pit to hiss in."
______________________________
A Sunday School teacher of
preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about
Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted
to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago,
that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where
is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said,
"He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered,
"He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand
furiously, blurted out, "I know! ! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet,
looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was! completely
at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked
Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well. . .
every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells,
"Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
______________________________
Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a
A woman from New York was driving
through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came
along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that
every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a" so
loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let
her off at the local service station, yelled one final
"Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that
Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind
him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn
so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant
said, "Indians don't use saddles."
_________________________________
Unbelievable math trick
1. Grab a calculator (you won't be
able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
10. Recognize the number?
________________________________
HOLY HUMOUR
There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking
lots, so they put up a sign:
"CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS
ONLY,"
" Trespassers will be baptized!"
CHURCH SIGN BOARDS:
"No God - No Peace."
"Know God - Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven."
"Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays."
"They're better than Dairy Queen's".
"Searching for a new look?"
"Have your faith lifted here!"
"People are like tea bags" --
"you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they
are."
"Fight truth decay"
"Study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity"
"Smoking or Nonsmoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born,
try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live,"
"they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch."
"What is missing? -- (U R)"
"In the dark?"
"Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith?"
"Step in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep."
"Talk to the Shepherd."
"Come work for the Lord."
"The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the
retirement benefits are out of this world."
An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which
the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads,
"For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters
that said, - "Open Sundays,"
The church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays,
too."
AND THE WINNER - ON THE PASTOR'S PARKING SPOT -
"PASTOR'S SPOT"
"YOU PARK, YOU PREACH
_____________________________
JAMIE THE COMPUTER GUY
I was having trouble with my
computer. So I called Jamie the computer guy, to come over. Jamie clicked a
couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum
service call.
As he was walking away, I called
after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T
error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but
nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to
fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said,
"and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T
I used to like Jamie
Big sellers at church....