Subject: Daily Dose - 050521 - drive-thru confessional, THIS is TRUE, class reunion, DDL, Rotten News

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea you had to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first".

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I suppose the rock 'n roll gospel choir you brought in was another good idea. We are packed in to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot n' Tell or Go To Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

______________________________

THIS is TRUE....

AND YOU THOUGHT U.S. COURTS WERE BAD: When he was 9 years old, Carl Murphy, now 18, was trespassing at a warehouse near Liverpool, England, and fell through the roof of the building. He fell 40 feet and suffered a massive skull fracture, so he sued the building's owner, claiming that if the site had a better security fence to keep him out, he wouldn't have been injured. The court bought it: he was awarded 567,000 pounds (US$1.06 million). "After all I've been through, I feel I really deserve this money," Murphy says. "The papers just call me a yob and a thug because I've been done for robbery and assault but those were just silly stupid little things, like." He plans to spend his cash on a "flash car" and "a big house so I have a place to live with me mum when she gets out of jail." (London Telegraph, London Times)
...Tip to Murphy's new neighbors: install a good security fence -- around his house.

***

EDUCATIONAL TV: After arresting a 14-year-old burglar who ripped off about 10 homes and 90 cars in just over a week, police in Seminole, Fla., asked him how he did it. The unnamed teen said he learned it all by watching "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" on TV. "He told us he doesn't watch it for enjoyment," said a detective, "he watches to learn how to commit crimes." (St. Petersburg Times)
...Apparently he didn't watch the end, when the bad guy is always caught.

***

RAH RAH RAW! Texas State Rep. Al Edwards wants school cheerleaders to cool it. "The way they're moving their bodies, it's not twirling or doing the splits," he complains. "Those majorettes are doing things that are sexual." He has proposed legislation to require cheerleading routines to be "family friendly." Schools who break the rules would have their funding cut. The proposal wasn't welcomed by all. Cheer competition officials say they already mark down suggestive routines, and an Austin newspaper says a new state agency would have to be created in order to monitor the cheerleaders. "We recommend the Texas Booty Regulatory Authority, or BRA, to make those close calls," it said in an editorial. (Austin American-Statesman, wire services)
...To be recruited from Political Authorities Nagging Texas Youth, or PANTY.

***

SIS BOOM BAH! During the debate over a bill to designate the frontier chuck wagon as the "official state vehicle", Texas State Senators got a bit out of hand. The bill's sponsor, Kel Seliger of Amarillo, was upset that fellow lawmakers weren't taking his bill seriously, interrupting him with silly questions ("Should we call it the Charles Wagon?" and "Can we also designate the low-rider as the official state urban vehicle?") When yet another senator was about to interrupt with his own one-liner, Seliger fumed, "I've already yielded more than a cheerleader at a drive-in!" The entire chamber went silent, not believing he would diss the revered cheerleaders of the state. Seliger later blamed "incipient Tourette's syndrome" for his outburst, and suggested "the next bill I do will be for motherhood." (Austin American-Statesman)
...Isn't that pretty much what already happens when the cheerleaders "yield"?

***

CAUTION! READ WARNING LABEL! "Candles Recalled Because of Flame Risk"
-- AP headline

______________________________

Larry goes to his High School class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty five years he's very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into Marilyn, his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though."

"Bad news first, Marilyn."

"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."

"Oh my, that's too bad.  I'm sorry to hear that."

"But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!"

______________________________

DDL

Prince Albert and Queen You-Know-Who
Were doing what married folk do
Cried the Queen, her heart drumming,
"We're coming! We're coming!"
"How splendid," said Albert, "Us, too!"

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"He needs someone to be, like, 'OK, let's buck you up, let's give you a mustache, let's rough you up, let's go to a bar, let's get drunk and be a man."
--Britney Spears, the genious, on Michael Jackson and his trial on child molestation and kidnapping charges.

What she's trying to say is that Michael needs balls--and not little boy's balls either.

***

"Entirely different than Terri Schiavo's"
--Dan Allen, communications director for House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, on Delay allowing his father to die 17 years ago while recently pushing a bill through Congress to keep Terri Schiavo hooked up to a feeding tube.

What he meant to say was: "Entirely different, Tom DeLay didn't want his father alive. He was looking forward to the reading of the will."

***

"The brain is a wonderful organ.  It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
--Robert Frost

***

TZ goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every Friday night, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"

______________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

Wed, Apr 06, 2005

Arab boy wins Israeli school quiz on Zionism

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - An Israeli Arab schoolboy has outshone Jewish counterparts to grab a share of victory in a school quiz on the history of Zionism and the creation of Israel.

Rami Wated, 12, and Jewish teammate Guy Gothertz clinched a joint first place with an all-Jewish pair after being quizzed on the history of Jewish nationalism, said Kobby Barda, spokesman for the city of Tel Aviv, which sponsored the contest.

Wated was the only Arab among the 12 finalists. His prize was a modest plaque.

"Despite the fact that many did not believe that I would win, I prepared well ... It doesn't matter if you are Jewish or Arab, just as long as you can prepare properly," Wated said on Wednesday.

He is a pupil at an Israeli Arab state school where the curriculum on Jewish history is limited compared with that offered in Jewish schools.

"We are from an Arab school where we are not taught about Zionism, but as soon as I saw the booklet to prepare for the subject, I took to it immediately," Wated said.

Israeli Arabs comprise about 20 percent of the country's 6.78 million population. They have long complained of prejudice and a shortage of government funds for their towns, schools and institutions.

**********

Texas Artist to Market Pierced Eyeglasses

Tue Apr 5,11:21 PM ET

By ANABELLE GARAY, Associated Press Writer

DALLAS - Artist James Sooy proudly displays his piercings and metal jewelry, from the two captive bead rings in his upper ears to the thick stainless steel rings on each of his fingers.

He's hoping one of his piercings — a 1-inch bar through the bridge of his nose — will provide some income along with a distinct look.

Sooy plans to market piercing bar attachments designed to hold up eyeglasses, potentially freeing people from worrying about them falling off their noses. He doubts adhering lenses to a barbell between the eyes will become a huge trend, but he definitely sees a future in it.

"It's something people find interesting enough to come and look at, but it's only for a certain few," said Sooy, 22.

Sooy and friend Oliver Gilson, a 27-year-old bartender, have been advertising their creation on a Web site and hope to patent the pierced glasses. They want to offer a model for $75 to $100 by June.

But not everyone's sold on the idea.

The piercing bar could move or pop out, warned Elayne Angel, medical coordinator for the Association of Professional Piercers. She also said the idea is impractical, requiring a screwdriver just to take off the brackets that attach the lenses.

"I imagine putting those on and taking those off is going to be difficult, especially to try to put it on yourself," said Angel, owner of a New Orleans piercing studio.

**********

The grapes of wrath: depressed French wine producers bomb Government offices

By John Lichfield in Paris

02 April 2005

Terrorist attacks by radical wine producers on government offices in the south of France yesterday served notice that the country's wine crisis may be spinning out of control.

Sticks of dynamite were thrown at agriculture ministry offices in Montpellier and Carcassonne in the early hours, causing serious damage but no injuries. A car was also burned outside ministry offices in Nîmes.

The attacks, which were condemned by mainstream wine producers' associations, were claimed by a group called comité régional d'action viticole (Crav).

The same group was responsible for incendiary attacks on supermarkets and explosions outside the offices of wine traders in the Languedoc-Roussillon area last month.

The letters "CRAV" - a group unknown until recent weeks - were daubed on the walls of the offices attacked yesterday. There was also a telephone call claiming responsibility to the French news agency, AFP.

Violent demonstrations by the small wine producers of Languedoc - the largest vineyards in the world - have been a feature of recurrent wine crises in France since the 1950s. Fears are growing that a mass demonstration by wine growers in Narbonne on 20 April could degenerate into serious violence.

The wine growers in Languedoc - both the mainstream organisations and the unidentified radicals calling themselves Crav - are demanding that the €70m (£48m) in subsidies and special assistance for exports already promised by the French government be increased.

The whole of the lower and middle range of the French wine industry has been plunged into crisis in the past two years by a slump in domestic demand and the capture of markets in Britain and elsewhere by wines from Australia, Chile, Italy and the US.

Apart from an increase in the €70m in special aid and €3m in export subsidies already promised, the wine growers are demanding more government cash and permission from the European Commission for the subsidised distillation of 2,500,000 hectolitres of red wine to reduce the French "wine lake", which is depressing wholesale wine prices. This is equivalent to removing 333 million bottles of wine from the market by turning them into industrial alcohol.

Within France, wine consumption has fallen to 50 litres per adult per year, compared to 100 litres in the 1960s.

Time to panic....