Subject: Daily Dose - 050516 - Collection from John in Vancouver
Today's collection is courtesy of
John in Vancouver....
***
letter to Dad
A father passing by his son's
bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked
up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It
was addressed,"Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the
envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow
that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to
avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and
she is so nice -- even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight
Motorcycle clothes.
But it's not only the passion dad,
she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't
care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the
woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
She wants to have many more children
with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with
her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure
deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old
now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to
visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at the neighbour's house.
I just wanted to remind you that
there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre
drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
_______________________________
ONCE A BAPTIST---- ALWAYS A BAPTIST
John Smith was the only Protestant
to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John
was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were
eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last
Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something
had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of
Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John
to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he
decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to
Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were
born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their
biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled
around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the
neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell
of steak cooking on a grill.
The neighborhood men could not
believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided
to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday
of Lent?
The group arrived just in time to
see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was
sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born
a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
_______________________________
Cowboy Boots An elderly couple, Ray
and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas.
Ray always wanted a pair of
authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears
them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife:
"Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over and says,
"Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the
bathroom; undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for
the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice
anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray,
what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU
KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT
MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies,
"Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat.
_______________________________
I got a new car stereo the other day
and it has voice activation software installed into it!
If you yell out "Rock", it
switches the settings to ROCK!
If you yell out "Classic",
it switches the settings to CLASSIC!
On my way home last night some kids ran out in front of my car.
Hitting the brakes I yelled "Fucking Kids" and the radio started
playing Michael Jackson.
_______________________________
There are only eleven times in
history when the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean
we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was
that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing
Indians come from?" -- Custer,1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could
understand that."--Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look
like her!" --Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work
that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the
@#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% am I?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,
my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is
going to find out?" Bill Clinton, 1999
1. "Alluh! I didn't think
they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Saddam Hussein, 2003
_________________________________
Hang on to any of the new
Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25
cents.
The Canadian Mint announced today
that it is recalling all of the Newfoundland quarters that are part of its
program featuring quarters from each province.
"We are recalling all the new
Newfoundland quarters that were recently issued," Canadian Mint Deputy
Minister Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after
numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll
booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated
devices." The quarters were issued in the order in which the various
provinces joined Confederation and have been a tremendous success among coin
collectors worldwide. The problem lies in the unique design of the Newfoundland
quarter, which was created by a team of Newfoundlanders," Shackleford
said.
"Apparently, the duct tape
holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated
devices."
_________________________________
I’m tired of whiskey, I’m tired of
gin.
I’m tired of living this life of sin.
I’m tired of waltzing, I’m tired of trucking,
And after last night,...
oh gee!... am I ever
tired!
_________________________________
Nice little tribute to a man who DID
make a difference:
Bob Hope
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70 "You still
chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the
time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know
you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't
feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER,
BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping
on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend
the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church
on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
"Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home,
'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my
profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS " I have
performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS
CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD
MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of
character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
"Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on
another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
"That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I
would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience
threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've
done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a
technicality."
________________________________
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered
there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.
She tripped and fell -- got up,
and then In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
and then the devilish guy,
would stop his whittling long enough
to speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole?
We're painting under here"
Show-off....