Subject: Daily Dose - 050515 - marry my 40 year old daughter, BIZARRE NEWS, genie, DDL, Rotten News

An older man walks into Murphy's Pub with three women and announces, "I'll give any man a sovereign to marry my 20 year old daughter, I'll give you ten sovereigns to marry my 30 year old daughter, and to marry my 40 year old daughter, I'll give you a hundred sovereigns!"

At first there was nothing but silence, until a voice from the back of the room said, "Have you got a daughter about 80?"

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Letters Sent To Landlords

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is clear.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

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Bright Eyes But No Bushy Tails

TOWN OF LEON, Wis. - Police are puzzled as to who has been cutting off the tails of some horses. Since January, someone has chopped off parts of the same horse's tail about four times, said Waushara County Sheriff David Peterson.

In Portage County, officials are investigating the theft of the tails of four show horses. So far, no motive has been determined and none of the horses have been hurt.

Portage County sheriff's Detective Gina Boettcher said the culprits might be after horse hair that is sometimes used for making jewelry, watchbands, or belts. A cash reward is being offered to anyone who helps solve the crime.

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Got Breast Milk?

YANGON, Myanmar - A Myanmar woman has been breastfeeding two tiger cubs at a Yangon zoo since they were taken from their aggressive mother, the London Telegraph reported.

Hla Htay, the mother of three offered her services after a hostile Bengal tiger killed one of her cubs. The two surviving cubs, a male and a female, were removed from their mother and now receive feedings from Htay four times a day.

"I felt sorry for them so I decided to feed them before their teeth grow," she told the Myanmar Times.

The cubs were the first born at the zoo in 16 years. The Bengal tiger, Panthera tigris, is listed as endangered on the World Conservation Union's red list, with the global population estimated at fewer than 2,500.

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Be Careful What You Wish For

EVERETT, Wash. - According to police, Lynn Frances Johnson repeatedly rammed the entrance of the county jail using her Nissan Pathfinder. Johnson explained to the deputies that she was being chased by an unidentified assailant and needed a safe place to stay.

Her wish came true and she was held on $10,000 bail for malicious mischief.

Johnson also faces charges for the $100,000 in damages she caused to the jail's automatic doors.

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Deliver Me From This Elevator

NEW YORK - A broken elevator trapped a Chinese food delivery man inside for more than 3 days. Thirty-five-year-old Happy Dragon employee Ming Kung Chen was reported missing when he failed to return to work after making a delivery late Friday night.

He was discovered by police around 6 a.m. on Tuesday. He was taken to a hospital and treated for dehydration.

Police were unable to question the missing delivery man because he didn't speak English.

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A man found a brass lamp, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you any wish you desire," the genie said.

The man replied, "I want a spectacular job. A challenge that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" Said the genie. "You're a housewife."

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DDL

There was a young man from Ypres,
Who was shot in the prick by some snipers.
The tunes that he played
Through the holes that were made,
Beat the Argyll and Sutherland Pipers

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Lee Trevino's honesty. He said, "I adore the game of golf. I won't ever retire." Even when Trevino jokes about retirement, it's golf related: "When I retire, I'm gonna get me a blue blazer, an old-school tie, a can of dandruff and be a USGA official."

***

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
--Joseph Blosephina

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"My vision is to make the most diverse state on earth, and we have people from every planet...On the earth in this state."
--Gray Davis, former governor of California.

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"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman."
--California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

***

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."
--President Gerald Ford

***

Seen On a Movie Theater Marquee:

       Erin Brockovich  
       Screwed  
       My Dog Skip

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Rotten News....  (true)

Mon, Apr 11, 2005

Outlaw Laid Low by Short Fuse

TIRANA (Reuters) - Albania's most wanted man fought off special police and eluded capture for years only to blow himself up while fishing with dynamite, police and newspapers said Friday.

Dubbed the "Last Cowboy" in northern Albania because of his gunfights with the law, Riza Malaj, 34, failed to accurately gauge the length of the fuse as he tried to blow up trout.

Doctors at the Bajram Curri hospital said he had lost both hands, badly hurt his eyes and suffered serious wounds all over his body. His family rejected offers to have him flown to a Tirana hospital where he would have been arrested immediately.

Malaj was taken to a hospital in nearby U.N.-governed Kosovo.

He was sentenced in absentia to five years in jail on charges of leading an attack on the Bajram Curri police station last year. Since 2000, warrants have been issued for Malaj's arrest on charges of willful murder, armed robbery, armed assault and battery of the education directress of the town.

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Australia politician urges golf with cane toads

Mon Apr 11, 1:12 AM ET 

CANBERRA (Reuters) - Australians in the country's Northern Territory should start smashing cane toads to death with golf clubs and cricket bats in a bid to stop the spread of the toxic creatures, a government politician has urged.

David Tollner, the member for the Northern Territory seat of Solomon, said on Monday the cane toads -- which have highly poisonous sacs behind their head that quickly kill native animals that prey on them -- should be eradicated by "any means possible".

Australia has for decades fought unsuccessfully to stop the spread of cane toads, imported from Hawaii in 1935 in a failed attempt to combat greyback beetles which were threatening the country's tropical northern sugar cane fields.

Cane toads, which now number in their millions, are so toxic that crocodiles, death adder snakes and wild dingo dogs can die of cardiac arrest within 15 minutes of eating a toad.

Australia's cane toad population now spreads west from the northeast coastal sugar cane fields into the fragile wetlands of Kakadu National Park in the Northern Territory and are steadily marching towards the territory's tropical capital city of Darwin.

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Indiana Man Wins 'Village Idiot' Award

Sat Apr 9,10:15 PM ET

STORY, Ind. - The competition was fierce and foolish, but a man who accidentally sawed through a live wire and topped that by wrecking his truck hours after buying it more than earned the honorary title "Village Idiot."

Mark Carmichael's blunders won him the good-natured award that's been handed out for years in the tiny Brown County town of Story. The winner is whoever gets the most votes from regulars at the Story Inn's saloon.

Carmichael, the inn's maintenance man, won in part for an incident in which he cut through a live wire while using a circular saw to replace the inn's galvanized steel roof. But he also damaged his just-purchased 1998 Dodge truck — the day after he got it — by getting it stuck atop a whiskey barrel planter outside the inn.

His foolishness earned the 27-year-old a $100 bar tab at the Story Still.

Rick Hofstetter, who owns the inn about 40 miles south of Indianapolis, said the competition for this year's award was fierce.

For example, two Story Inn regulars were nominated for knocking themselves unconscious while opening their car doors. Another was nominated for burning down his front porch after not fully extinguishing a cigarette in a full ashtray.

Bartender Evan McMahon was nominated for opening an $80 bottle of Chalk Hill Chardonnay to make a $6.50 wine spritzer for a bar patron.

Not to be outdone, Story Inn housekeeper Kathy Newhall earned her nomination for using French truffle oil from the kitchen, which costs $50 for a 3-ounce bottle, to quiet a squeaky toilet seat.

But it was Carmichael who came out on top. The bar's patrons had more than enough evidence to give him the honor — not least of which was the pig roast incident.

"I cooked a couple of hogs out there on some bed springs once," he explained to a dismayed visitor.

Carmichael had cut the carcasses in half with a chain saw, then used a pitchfork to turn the meat as it cooked. He ended up serving up the portions with a hatchet.

"People loved it," he said. "We called it Louisiana style."

Wrinkly's Orgy