Subject: Daily Dose - 050514 - parrot, THIS is TRUE, beloved truck, DDL, Rotten News

This nice old Jewish lady went decided to buy a parrot so she went to the store and bought one. The parrot seemed fine and when Friday night came, she dressed the parrot up and went to the temple.

The parrot seemed fine but when the rabbi went to bless the congregation, the parrot screamed out, "It's fuckin' cold in here!"

The woman, completely appalled, grabbed the parrot and ran out. Well, the parrot seemed fine for the next week so once again, on Friday she and the parrot got dressed up and went to the temple.

Like the previous week, the parrot was fine until the rabbi went to bless the congregation at which the parrot, once again, screamed out "It's fuckin' cold in here!"

Once again, the lady was appalled, grabbed the parrot and ran out of temple. She decided to confront the man at the pet store to see what was going on. The clerk at the pet store said, "You gotta show the parrot who's boss so next time he does this, grab him by his legs and swing him around your head a few times. That should teach him a lesson."

That Friday night they once again got dressed up and went to the temple. Like the previous two weeks, when the rabbi went to bless the congregation, the parrot screamed out, "It's fuckin' cold in here!"

The lady, remembering what the clerk said, grabbed the parrot by its legs and swung it around her head a few times. When she was done, the parrot looked at her and screamed out, "And fuckin' windy, too."

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THIS is TRUE....

CALCULATED: A farmer in Paradise Township, Penn., noticed someone was breaking into his barn at night, so he installed an alarm to alert him. Sure enough, shortly after it was installed it woke him at 3:00 am with an alert, and he went to investigate. Terry Patterson says the intruder was "assaulting" a sheep. The police arrived in time to arrest Bruce Charles Englar, 53. Englar told the officer he was simply petting the sheep. (York Daily Record)
...Very heavy petting.

***

COMESTIBLE: A man stepped into a London, England, bookmaking office, pointed a weapon at a clerk and screamed,"I want the money or I will effing shoot you!" Clerk Peter Humphrey nearly yawned. "He says he has a gun," he said to a colleague, "but then it might be a banana." Realizing the plastic-wrapped, yellow weapon wasn't intimidating his victim, the robber fled. Police caught him nearby, still wearing his mask, and even recovered the banana. Robert Downey, 24, saying he had been "desperate" for drugs since he was addicted to cocaine, pleaded guilty to attempted robbery and possessing an imitation firearm. Since he had already served 5 years for a previous nearly identical offense, this time he got 7 years. (London Guardian)
...Pay attention, kids: this is what happens when you have a monkey on your back.

***

CHEEP: Farmers in England may shoot at crows and other birds eating their crops, and sportsmen can still hunt birds for food, but only if they give the birds a chance by shouting or employing other "frightening techniques" first, the Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has ruled. Only if the bird ignores it can they blast away. Failure to try to scare the bird before firing is punishable by a 5,000 pound (US$9,350) fine or six months in prison. Meanwhile, Glen Steinhardt, a farmer in Murgon, Qld., Australia, applied for a "damage mitigation permit" from Queensland's Environmental Protection Agency to shoot swarms of birds eating his crops. An estimated 5,000 birds per day are feasting on his sorghum and wheat. The EPA gave him the permit: Steinhardt may shoot a total of 87 birds, but only if he spreads the kills over an 85-day period. Steinhardt says when trucks drive through the swarms of birds when they pass his farm, it's common for them to hit and kill "30 to 60 in one strike," but that sort of killing is considered accidental and not illegal. (London Times, Brisbane Courier Mail)
...So Steinhardt simply needs to soup up his tractor so it will go 80 mph.

***

COPYCATS: "41% of Parents Skip Truancy Meeting"
-- Knoxville (Tenn.) News Sentinel headline

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Aboard the USS TARAWA for six months, my brother Don posted a picture of his beloved truck in his locker.

Since his fellow Marines had pictures of their girlfriends posted, they often ridiculed him for his object of adoration.

"Laugh all you want," Don told them, "At least my truck will still be there when I get home."

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DDL

A fun-loving copper named Yates,
Sought out bosomy doxies for dates.
He'd say "Put down your gin,
Cause I'm turning you in
For packing concealed 38's,"

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"Well, under the new requirements, they say Canadians who, up to this point only need to show a driver's license to cross the border, will now need a passport. Canadians coming into the United States will need to bring a passport, or a bag of cheap prescription drugs."
--Jay Leno

***  

"The gates are gone - the gates are leaving New York City. So if you're in Central Park and you see something colorful fluttering in the breeze, it's crime-scene tape."
--David Letterman

***  

"Today is the 75th anniversary of the Twinkie. I can't help but think that, in a thousand years when they dig up this civilization, all they're going to find are Twinkies and free CDs from AOL."
--Jimmy Kimmel

***

Q. What do you call a 350 pound woman with a yeast infection?  

A. A whopper with cheese.

***

Teacher to class: "Give me a good example of an oxymoron."  

Kid in back row: "A well adjusted transvestite."

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Rotten News....  (true)

Cigarette butt on auction for more than 2,000 pounds

Tue Apr 12,10:37 PM ET 

WELLINGTON (Reuters) - A cigarette smoked in the dying seconds before New Zealand smokefree laws came into effect last year is set to fetch more than NZ$7,500 (2,863 pounds) in an Internet auction.

The butt, witnessed as smoked at 11:59 p.m. on December 9 by the owners of an Auckland bar, has exceeded its NZ$1 reserve price by NZ$7,574 on New Zealand-based Internet web auction site TradeMe (www.trademe.co.nz).

It costs about NZ$10 to buy a packet of cigarettes in New Zealand.

The successful bidder when the auction closes on Thursday will also get a certificate of authenticity and a mounted display case. The partially smoked cigarette was described on the Web site as a "priceless Kiwiana collector's item".

New Zealand extended its smokefree laws on December 10, 2004, to ban smoking in most indoor venues, sparking complaints from smokers and bar and cafe owners.

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Tue, Apr 12, 2005

'Honey, I'm Running Over to the Mall for Some...'

BUDAPEST (Reuters) - The Hungarian Interior Ministry looks set to allow prostitutes to tout for business in shopping malls, local media reported Tuesday.

The ministry is thinking of allowing dedicated shopping centers where prostitutes could strike deals for sex as long as they move to a place of their own to carry out the transaction, the daily Nepszabadsag said.

"There is nothing intrinsically wrong legally with an entertainment center without gratification," the newspaper quoted from a letter the ministry sent to the businessman who proposed to set up an "all-in-one" sex plaza.

Hungary allows local governments to set so-called "zones of patience" for the country's up to 20,000 prostitutes, but no municipality has done so yet.

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April 12, 2005 

Residents drawn to Pig Olympics

SHANGHAI, China (AP) - These pigs run, jump, and swim - almost anything but fly.

Thousands of Shanghai residents have turned out to a city park to watch a herd of pigs compete in what organizers are calling the "Pig Olympics," the Shanghai Daily newspaper reported Tuesday. They run over hurdles, jump through hoops, dive, and swim in shows twice a day, it said. The pigs, a midget species from Thailand, begin training soon after birth and can begin performing professionally from about one year of age, Yang Ying, a manager with promoters Bluesea Broadway Co. Ltd. was quoted as saying.

"These lovely pigs are of a special species that is good at sports by nature," Yang said.

Pig races are common in many places, but heavily urban Shanghai offered few opportunities to see farm animals in action.

The report quoted primary students who visited the show a saying they were reconsidering their preconceptions of pigs as lazy and dull.

"It's incredible," said eight-year-old, Tan Yizhou, who had the honour of presenting a gold medal to one of the winning pigs. "I never thought that a pig could be so clever, dexterous and versatile."

My Worst Nightmare....