Subject: Daily Dose - 050509 - high drug consumption problem, BIZARRE NEWS,
show-and-tell, DDL, Rotten News
Jesus, in a very worried state,
convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of
the high drug consumption problem all over the earth.
After giving it much thought they
reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they
should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.
It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members
return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and
two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus,
waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John ?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke ?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas ?"
"The FBI, YOU SCUMSUCKERS! EVERYONE ASSUME THE POSITION AGAINST THE
WALL!"
____________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Almost Unexplainable Events
A pair of identical American twin
boys were separated at birth in 1940 and adopted by different people who didn't
know each other. Each boy was named James, each boy married a woman named
Linda, had a son named James Alan and was then divorced.
In 1975 in Detroit, a baby fell out
of a building fourteen stories up. Fortunately, it landed on a man named Joseph
Figlock. A year later, another baby fell from the same building and survived by
falling on...Joseph Figlock.
A nun at a convent in Clwyd tried
but failed to grow mushrooms in the convent grounds. She died at the age of
seventy-nine in 1986, and a decent crop of mushrooms has grown on her grave
every autumn since. Nowhere else in the convent do mushrooms grow.
In 1938, Phyllis Newcombe,
twenty-two, combusted spontaneously at a dance hall during a waltz. Many people
witnessed this unexplained phenomenon, which has parallels with the combustion
of a British pensioner, Euphemia Johnson, who died after suddenly bursting into
fire during her afternoon tea.
In 1984, a Greek Orthodox priest was
cooking a sheep's head when he discovered that the sheep had a jaw composed of
fourteen-karat gold (worth some $6,000). The sheep had come from a herd owned
by the priest's own brother-in-law, and he couldn't come up with any plausible
explanation.
In 1986, American judge Samuel King
was annoyed that some jurors were absent from his Californian court because of
heavy rain, so he issued a decree: "I hereby order that it cease raining
by Tuesday." California suffered a five-year drought. So in 1991 the judge
decreed, "Rain shall fall in California beginning February 27." Later
that day, the state had its heaviest rainfall in a decade.
In Bermuda, two brothers were killed
precisely one year apart at the age of seventeen by the same taxi driver
carrying the same passenger on the same street. The two boys had each been
riding the same moped.
[From "That Book of Perfectly
Useless Information."]
***
Vibrating Sex Doll Shakes Up A Bomb
Scare
BERLIN, Germany - A blow-up doll
caused a bomb scare at a German post office when the package began to vibrate
before being delivered.
According to police spokesman,
"Workers were unsettled when it began vibrating and made strange noises.
They were worried the package might be a bomb."
Police retrieved the sender of the
package who revealed its contents. Apparently, within the life-size female sex
doll resided an electrical device.
The man claimed that he wanted to
return the doll because it would spontaneously turn itself on at the most
awkward moments. The doll's batteries were removed and is on its way to be
returned.
***
Get Your Ass Moving
BISMARCK, N.D. - Saje Beard has an
unusual way of getting to school everyday: she makes the 30 minute commute on
the family mule, who is fondly called Ruth.
Saje, a third-grader at the Manning
School, has been maneuvering mules since she was in first grade. "I feel
more safe with her riding a mule than having her ride in a car or on a
bus," said her father, Marty Beard.
Saje "parks" Ruth by tying
her to a tree near swing sets and monkey bars. Saje's classmates lend a hand by
taking off Ruth's saddle and tack.
"It's cool," Lucas Irving,
10, said of his classmate and her mode of transportation. "She's
cool."
Saje says she would ride Ruth every
morning, but her dad won't let her if the temperature is below zero --
"even if she insists."
***
What the Devil is This!?
MICHIGANTOWN, Ind. - An Indiana pet
shop owner claims a turtle has developed an image of Satan's face on its shell.
The turtle was the only animal
survivor during an October fire, and Bryan Dora believes the devil wants them
to know he was there. Dora says the image of a goatee and a pair of pointy
horns can be seen on the shell of the turtle named Lucky.
However, Lucky doesn't seem to be affected
by the devil. It continues to be healthy and act normal.
Investigators are unsure what caused
the fire, which destroyed the A-Dorable Pet Shop and several other businesses.
Dora has produced a DVD of the turtle's story that he plans to auction on the
Internet.
***
Man's Best Friend... With Benefits
BRUSSELS, Belgium - A 36-year-old
man is on trial for having sexual relations with dogs.
The man claims that he engaged in
the act "out of love for animals" because the dogs are locked up and
unable to have sex with one another. He was employed at an animal refuge and
had posted numerous pictures of himself performing bestiality with dogs on the
Internet, according to the Daily Gazet Van Antwerpen.
If convicted, the suspect could
possibly face six months in jail.
________________________
It's a bit long, but
cute.
I've been teaching now for about
fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one
I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved
show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them
get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a
break and some guaranteed entertainment.
Usually, show-and-tell is pretty
tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch,
stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.
If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl,
Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the
front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a
snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him
as a s ymbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach,
and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands
on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera
rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago,
my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back
and groans.
"She walked around the house
for, like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kids' doing this hysterical
duck-walk, holding her back and groaning.
"My father called the middle
wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the
Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed like this." Erica lies
down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My mother had
this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up
and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" The kid with her little
hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts
going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even
got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in
yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff
inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big
theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.
Ever since then, if it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes
along.
--Anonymous
__________________________
DDL
"I've examined this birdie's
vagina,"
Said the vet, "and in South Carolina,
An indictment is due
For contributing to
The delinquency, suh, of a mynah!"
__________________________
"Yesterday Governor Arnold
Schwarzenegger gave a 40 minute speech without any notes. When asked what
Arnold spoke about, the crowd said 'How the hell should we know?'"
--Conan O'Brien
***
Studying the Oregon Commercial Motor
Vehicle manual afforded me the opportunity to learn this important driving
factoid: "According to accident reports, the vehicle that trucks and buses
most often run into is the one in front of them."
[Reader's Digest.]
***
"Americans who travel abroad
for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress
that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in
foreign languages"
--Dave Barry
***
My wife came home from the doctor's
office and said that he told her she couldn't make love. I've always known
this, but how he find out?
***
"Cocaine is God's way of saying
you're making too much money."
--Robin Williams
***
"Yeah, I love being famous.
It's almost like being white, y'know?"
--Chris Rock
__________________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Jaywalkers get the wet blanket
Mon Jan 17, 5:31 AM ET
MANILA (Reuters) - Filipinos who
walk in the street or cross the road illegally will no longer get a slap on the
wrist. Instead, they risk a smack with a wet blanket.
"We've tried talking to
pedestrians, asking them to walk on the sidewalks, but it wasn't
effective," said Richard Apodarado, a traffic enforcement commander in
Manila, the congested capital of 12 million people and seemingly as many
vehicles.
Under the new campaign, about 20
trucks patrol the city with wooden poles attached to damp blankets emblazoned
with the warning: "No walking or standing in the streets". People who
don't step back onto the kerb are in for a rude shock.
In the past, offenders who blocked
the road while waiting for public transport were fined, jailed, told to do
community service or made to sing the national anthem in public.
"We lack respect for the
government and government does not have moral authority like it does in other
Asian nations," said Arni Trinidad, a sociology professor at the
University of the Philippines.
"I think government has to
engage in Machiavellian ways."
But not everyone is happy with how
the soggy clampdown is being carried out.
"It seems that they don't know
what they're doing," said street vendor Bobot Flores. "They do not
treat us like humans."
*********
Clerk Laughs Away Robber in Pluto
Mask
Thu Mar 10, 7:40 PM ET
CRANBERRY, Pa. - The would-be robber
wanted to inspire fear, but his choice of a Disney character mask to conceal
his features provoked only giggles from a convenience store clerk.
Cranberry police said a clerk at
Gordon's Mini Market burst into laughter when the person wearing a Pluto mask
walked into the store about 9:45 p.m. Tuesday.
The clerk was laughing so hard he
didn't comply with the robber's demand to turn over the cash register money —
so the frustrated robber left the store, police said.
Police Sgt. Dave Kovach said the
clerk's response was ill-advised and dangerous, even if it foiled the robbery.
"Pluto could have been a
strung-out heroin addict," Kovach said. "You never know."
Pluto drove away in a car, but not
before the clerk noticed that he was 6-foot-2 and appeared to be white under
the mask. Police believe he's about 20 years old and weighs about 170 pounds.
*********
Prosecutors Subpoena Dog in Murder
Case
Wed Mar 9, 9:08 PM ET
BENTONVILLE, Ark. - Prosecutors
hoping for a witness in a murder case to roll over were barking up the wrong
tree.
They sent out a batch of subpoenas
for anyone who had contact with Albert K. Smith while he was jailed awaiting
his murder trial. One of those subpoenas went out to 5-year-old Murphy Smith —
Smith's dog, it turned out.
The defendant had written his dog a
letter from his cell, and that is how the shih tzu's name got on the witness
list.
Prosecutors realized the mistake on
Tuesday after the defendant's brother brought in Murphy to answer the subpoena
and a deputy would not let them into the courthouse because no dogs were
allowed.
Prosecutor Robin Green said she
apologized to the brother for any inconvenience, and added: "The dog was
friendly enough and probably would have been a very cooperative witness."
