Subject: Daily Dose - 050508 - gone down hill, BIZARRE NEWS, Respect, DDL, Rotten News

An 80 year old man goes in to see the doctor.

Doctor says, "What is the problem?"

Old man says, "Well, it's my wife. Our sex life has gone down hill drastically."

The doctor replies, "How long have you been married?"

Old man, "30 years next month."

Doctor, "When did you first start noticing this?"

Old man, "Well, first last night, and then again this morning."

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Acts of Stupidity

In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

***  

Bringin' Down the House

LINDALE, Texas - Smith County Constable Dennis Taylor recently received the strangest case in his life. A pair of thieves dismantled an entire three-bedroom brick house in the East Texas town of Lindale and carried it away until a pile of dirt was all that remained.

When Taylor first got the call reporting a stolen house, he asked, "Is is a trailer house, ma'am?" "No, it's a brick house," the real estate company representative replied.

The alleged crooks, Brandon Parmer and Darrell Maxfield, spent three months carting away bricks and shingles. They worked slowly during the daylight hours without being questioned about their work. Apparently, people assumed that it was the work of two retail stores laying new foundations nearby.

Authorities believe the suspects took apart the house and sold it for drugs.

***

You Call This Art?

NEW YORK - Recent visitors to New York's art museums may have noticed some artwork that was out of place. Over the past two weeks, a British prankster has secretly hung his own artwork, some of them carrying an anti-war message, in four major New York museums.

The man, who refers to himself as "Banksy," entered all the museums during regular visitors' hours. He told The New York Times he was able to avoid being noticed by gluing on a fake beard and moving with the times.

His artwork has been found and removed from the Museum of Modern Art, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Brooklyn Museum and the American Museum of Natural History.

"I've wandered round a lot of art galleries thinking, 'I could have done that,' so it seemed only right that I should try," Banksy was quoted as saying.

***

"Fear..." Was a Factor

RIVERSIDE, Calif. - Debra Swaim has NBC reality show "Fear Factor" to thank for saving her life.

When her car was washed off the road into a flooded creek during a flash flood in Southern California she suddenly recalled a stunt on "Fear Factor" which took place in similar circumstances. She remembered to roll down her windows because the car doors would be almost impossible to open while submerged in flood water.

Once Swaim was free from her car, she made her way into a tree and was rescued an hour later.

It looks like fear wasn't a factor for her.

***

DUI is a Sobering Experience

ALBION, N.Y. - A 45-year-old woman is charged with driving while intoxicated after she drove to a police station to prove her sobriety.

The incident started when she picked up her son from a friend's house and he suspected she'd been drinking. After the woman and her son argued over her condition she sought out police to administer a sobriety test. Upon her arrival, she asked to be given a breath test.

Officers agreed to go along with the rather unusual request. She was proven wrong and subsequently charge with driving while intoxicated.

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Respect!

"You might show me a little more respect." complained Jill as she and her date were driving back from "Lover's Lookout".

"Yeah?" said the smirking date, "Like by doing what?"

"Well, for starters clown, not flying my panty hose from your radio antenna.

______________________________

DDL

While musicians have battled for years,
Over which are the best symphoneers,
They agree from the start,
That a 'Whistling Fart'
Is great music to all of their rears

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"The makers of Bowflex have been ordered to pay a $1 million penalty because some people were injured while using the machine. The company was shocked, and said, "You mean, somebody actually used their Bowflex? Nobody uses their Bowflex!"
--Conan O'Brien  

***  

"NBC has renewed 'Joey' for another season. And no one could be happier with the decision than Joey's viewer...who called in earlier today."
--Craig Ferguson

***  

"It's spring time and that means prom season. Prom brings back so many horrible memories for me. I had to take my cousin to the prom. I don't know who was more embarrassed - him or me."
--Dave Letterman

***

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
--Alfred E. Newman

***

Two flies are sitting on a pile of steaming shit. One fly farts. The other fly says, "Do you mind, I'm eating."

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Rotten News....  (true)

Mon, Apr 18, 2005

Indians 'Marry' Sacred Trees to Ward Off Evil Eye

CALCUTTA, India (Reuters) - Residents in the Indian city of Calcutta have "married" two colorfully decorated trees in an elaborate ceremony to ward off an evil spell.

The marriage between the sacred trees -- whose trunks were decorated with red cloth, streaks of vermilion and marigold garlands -- was followed by a banquet attended by nearly 1,000 people.

"There is an evil eye that has been cast on us. So we decided to take recourse to spiritual means to ward it off," Gouri Shankar Sengupta, one of the organizers of the wedding between a banyan tree and a peepul, a kind of fig tree, said on Monday.

A spate of burglaries had hit the area recently, as well as a murder and two suicides, which many residents felt came from an evil spell. The "marriage" took place Saturday but wedding celebrations will end late Monday.

During the ceremony, a Hindu priest chanted hymns and lit a holy fire near the trees, which stand side by side.

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Canada Sees Threat from Soil in Chinese Toy Guns

Fri Apr 15, 8:42 AM ET

OTTAWA (Reuters) - Canada said on Thursday it was ordering the recall of 21,000 Chinese-made toy guns because the weapons contained soil which could contaminate crops and forests.

The Canadian Food Inspection Agency said each rifle contained a bag of soil used as a weight.

"The soil may spill out and release destructive insects, microscopic worms, fungi or bacteria that could spread into Canadian crops and forests," it said in a statement.

Canada bars the import of soil from outside North America, saying it can easily contain pests.

"We didn't expect plant protection problems from toy guns," said agency spokesman Alain Charette, adding that tests showed the soil had not been properly treated to remove contaminants.

**********

Sat, Apr 16, 2005

Woman to give birth in art gallery

BERLIN (Reuters) - A Berlin couple plan to have their first baby at an art gallery, the gallery owner said on Saturday, confirming a newspaper report.

"It's a gift to humanity, a once in a lifetime thing," Bild newspaper quoted Winfried Witt, partner of mother-to-be Ramune Gele, as saying.

Johann Novak, manager of the DNA-Galerie in central Berlin, said the artistic couple wanted to challenge conventional norms.

"It's a bit of test to see if society can cope," he said in a telephone interview.

About 30 people are expected to attend the birth, scheduled for April 24. They would be told to come to the gallery as soon as the 27-year-old Gele's contractions became regular, Witt was quoted as saying.

Novak said the gallery, which usually shows installations and video art, would be closed during the birth. "The private aspect will be maintained," he said.

Another gallery owner in the street said: "I find it mad."

Safety note, please.....