Subject: Daily Dose - 050504 - Contributions from George
Today's collection were submitted by
George in Winnipeg....
**********
A BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were
married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something
to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of
her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman
walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet
one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the
journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw,
studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked
the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag
and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for
another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom
of an elder, she said, "Good trade"
______________________________
The teacher walks in and finds an
apple on her desk with the letters "ILU" written on it. She asks who
left the apple, and a little white girl raises her hand. "Well, sweetie,
what does 'ILU' mean?"
The little girl replies, "I
love you."
The teacher says, "Isn't that
sweet" and continues with class.
The next day the teacher finds a
banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written on it. The teacher
asks who left the banana and what the letters mean. A little white boy raises
his hand and says, "It means, 'You are special.'"
"Thank you sweetheart,"
the teacher says.
The following day, the teacher walks
in to find a basket of bannock with the letters "F U C K" written on
it. The enraged teacher asks who left it.
A little Indian girl raises her hand
and cheerfully says, "Yes ma'am, I left it. It means, 'From Us Cree
Kids'."
______________________________
Mario, Mats, & Gretzky
Mario Lemieux, Mats Sundin and Wayne
Gretzky are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.
God looks at them and says,
"Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you
believe in."
Addressing Lemieux first he asks,
"What do you believe?"
Mario looks God in the eye and
states passionately, "I believe Hockey to be the food of life. Nothing
else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from Moscow to the bright
lights of New York. I have devoted my life to bringing such joy to people who
watch us and support their team."
God looks up and offers Mario the
seat to his left.
He then turns to Mats Sundin,
"And you, Mats, what do you believe?"
Mats stands tall and proud, "I
believe courage, honor and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent
my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the
speech offers Mats the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Wayne Gretzky,
"And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"
"I believe," says Gretzky,
"You're sitting in my seat!"
______________________________
Drugs are not that BAD
My generation just might have been
lucky.
I had a drug problem when I was
young, but I turned out all right.
I was drug to church on Sunday
morning.
I was drug to church for weddings
and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions no
matter the weather.
I was drug to the bus stop to go to
school every weekday.
I was drug by my ears when I was
disrespectful to adults and teachers.
I was also drug to the woodshed when
I disobeyed my parents.
Those drugs are still in my veins;
and they affect my behaviour in everything I do, say, and think. They are
stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind
of drug problem, Canada might be a better place.
Signed,
An Old Fart
______________________________
Did You Know?
The first couple to be shown in bed
together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The
percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When in a park , if you see a statue of a person on a horse and it has both front
legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one frontleg in the air the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
(and "I do" is the longest....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like
it's kissing the conveyor belt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?
A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mat tresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When
you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep
on.
Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after
the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead
he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar
based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and
quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and
Q's"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or
handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle
to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by
this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies
Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
______________________________
Scots are known for their frugal ways, but....
A Scottish soldier in full dress
marches into a pharmacy to speak to the druggist.
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls
out a neatly folded cotton bandana, opens it to reveal a smaller silk square
which he unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it.
He holds it up. "How much to
repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
"Six pence," says the
pharmacist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence."
The Scot folds the condom into the
silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches down
the aisle and out the door of the pharmacy.
A moment or two later a great shout
goes up, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks into the pharmacy
again, and back to the pharmacist.
"The regiment has taken a
vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one."
