Subject: Daily Dose - 050503 - which is farther, Hey Martha, Friends of men
and women, DDL, The Onion
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were
sitting on a bench talking and the one blonde says to the other, "What do
you think is farther, Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says,
"Hellooooooooo, can you SEE Florida?"
______________________________
Hey Martha.... (true)
January 18, 2005
If it's broke don't fix it, give it
away
PARRY SOUND, Ont. (CP) - Talk about being at the right place at the right time.
The young gas station employee in
the Parry Sound area was working when a snowmobiler pulled in on Saturday. The
man was having mechanical trouble with his machine and apparently had enough of
the snowmobile. So he tossed the keys to the employee, saying he could keep it.
The gas jockey was suspicious so
police checked it out.
Turns out the owner was a local
cottager who thought it was easier to give the snowmobile away than repair it.
A police officer later delivered the
ownership papers to the happy gas attendant.
***
January 6, 2005
Doctor aids juror, mistrial declared
NORWALK, Ohio (AP) — A judge
declared a mistrial in a medical negligence case against a physician after the
doctor came to the aid of a juror who passed out during opening statements.
The defendant, Dr. Joseph Carver,
told the 74-year-old juror Wednesday that it appeared he had a heart flutter
that momentarily prevented oxygen from getting to his brain and caused the
blackout. The juror was taken to a hospital for tests.
No new trial date has been set.
Carver, an obstetrician and
gynecologist, is being sued for $3 million by a couple who say their newborn
daughter was dropped on the floor of a delivery room in 2000 while under
Carver’s care.
They say the baby’s fall caused
speech problems, seizures and other permanent neurological injuries.
______________________________
Friends of women:
A wife was not at home for a whole
night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her
girlfriend's apartment over night.
So the husband calls 10 of her best
girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Friends of men:
A husband was not at home for a
whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his
friend's apartment over night.
So the wife calls 10 of his best
friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and
another 5 are claiming that he is still with them.
______________________________
DDL
There was a young fellow from Yale,
Whose face was exceedingly pale.
He spent his vacation
In self-masturbation
Because of the high price of tail.
______________________________
I prefer to describe myself as a
"Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has
just the right amount of flair. Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly
word.
***
A lot of people wonder how you know
if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I
mind being destroyed financially by this person?"
***
While walking through a parking lot,
I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her
car and called out, "Are you hurt?" "No, I'm fine," I said,
touched by her concern. "Oh, good," she continued. "So will you
be vacating your parking space now?"
***
I know I'm really good in bed
because women always ask me if there's any possible way I could make it last
longer.
***
Pretty soon, the little ones start
asking questions: Embarrassing ones at that. I remember when my kids asked me,
"Where do babies come from." I tried not to lie to them. I told them
the straight facts: "Carelessness... Pure carelessness."
______________________________
The Onion.... (satire)
U.S. Children Still Traumatized One
Year After Seeing Partially Exposed Breast On TV
WASHINGTON, DC—As the nation
approaches the one-year anniversary of the Super Bowl XXXVIII tragedy, an FCC
study shows that millions of U.S. children were severely traumatized by the
exposure to a partially nude female breast during the Feb. 1, 2004 halftime
show.
"No one who lived through that
day is likely to forget the horror," said noted child therapist Dr. Eli
Wasserbaum. "But it was especially hard on the children."
The tragic wardrobe malfunction
occurred approximately 360 days ago, during Janet Jackson and Justin
Timberlake's performance of "Rock Your Body," when Timberlake tore
Jackson's costume, accidentally revealing her right breast.
"By the time CBS cut to an
aerial view of the stadium, the damage was done," said Wasserbaum, who has
also worked extensively with orphaned and amputee children in Third World war
zones. "I've found that children can be amazingly resilient, but this
event was too much for many of them to take. The horrible image of that breast
is likely to haunt them for the rest of their lives."
According to the 500-page report
filed by the FCC, more than 90 percent of the children who saw the exposed
breast said they were "confused and afraid."
"Mommy has dirty chest
bumps," said a 5-year-old boy quoted in one of the thousands of case
studies compiled by the FCC. "She's like the bad lady on TV. I'm afraid
Mommy will take off her shirt and scare everyone. I hate Mommy."
Girls were traumatized as well,
often expressing apprehensions about sexual development. According to
Wasserbaum, one 8-year-old girl told her parents that she didn't "want to
get evil breasts."
Across America, parental concern
over the condition doctors have dubbed Nearly Naked Breast Disorder continues
to grow.
"How can my son Brandon be
expected to make it through something like that unscathed?" asked mother
of four Shonali Bhomik of the San Francisco-based What About the Children?
Foundation, one of many social-awareness groups spearheading the fight for
increased NNBD funding in Congress. "For approximately 1.5 seconds, he saw
a breast. The image was seared into his innocent, tiny retinas. He can't close
his eyes without replaying the whole ugly scene over and over in his little
head."
"For the love of God—that
breast was almost nude," Bhomik added.
Wasserbaum added that children who
saw the televised breast in Europe, Australia, and various other nations throughout
the world were somehow unaffected by the sight.
**********
Al-Jazeera Introduces 'Lighter Side
Of The News' Segment
DOHA, QATAR—With the stated intent
of "turning current-events coverage on its head," the popular but
oft-criticized Al-Jazeera Arab television news network launched its
"Lighter Side Of The News" segment Monday.
"And now, we have something a
little different for you," anchor Jihan Jalami said, turning from coverage
of violence in Najaf.
"It seems a certain suicide
bomber paid the price for his sloppy job Sunday, when he failed to annihilate a
Jerusalem pizza parlor, and himself along with it. After numerous attempts to
detonate the homemade device hidden under his shirt, the bomber gave up and
ordered lunch! Can you imagine the relieved look on that restaurant owner's
face?!"
Continued Jalami: "The
blundering bomber was well into his third slice of pizza when responding Mossad
agents killed him and wounded two bystanders in a hail of gunfire."
Al-Jazeera then resumed normal
coverage, airing hard-line Islamic cleric Abdul Rashid Ghazi's statement in
response to air strikes on Afghanistan.
The Lighter Side, airing at the
bottom of the hour during non-peak times, is already popular among viewers.
Favorite segments so far include the story of a Ramallah teen who sat
motionless in a freshly plowed pepper field for 10 days, believing himself to
be in a minefield; that of a U.N.-sponsored airborne food-drop that leveled an
entire Afghan village; and that of a large fig, produced on a farm outside
Bahrain, which bears an uncanny resemblance to renegade Muslim cleric Muqtada
Al-Sadr.
"I could not believe what I was
seeing," Osiraq resident Akil Hamza said. "The fig looked just like
him."
**********
Halliburton Employee's Pay Docked
For Weeks Spent As Hostage
BAGHDAD—Spokesmen for Halliburton
International announced Monday that employee Thomas Hamill will not be paid for
the three weeks he failed to fulfill his truck-driving duties while being held
at gunpoint by Iraqi captors.
"While we share your joy in
regaining your freedom, we are forced to withhold your wages for the period of
April 9 to May 2," read the official corporate reprimand, which reached
Hamill in Germany as doctors treated his bullet wound. "A disciplinary
slip noting your failure to report to work has been added to your employee
file."
Halliburton has not yet disclosed
the amount Hamill is being charged for structural damage to the company truck he
was shot in.
