Subject: Daily Dose - 050502 - shopping list, DARWIN AWARDS, If I Were a
Millionaire, DDL, Rotten News
There were three things on my
shopping list that I needed to get from Wal-mart; toothpaste, razors and
lotion.
After picking out the first two
items I headed toward the lotion aisle searching for the biggest cheapest
bottle that I could find.
And as I picked up the jumbo-sized
bottle of Jergen's I got shot the strangest look from the lady standing next to
me as if for some reason she knew that lotion wasn't necessarily going to be
used for "skin moisturization".
I looked at her and said the only
thing I could think of: "Just got high-speed internet. Need to stock
up."
______________________________
DARWIN AWARDS....
CONFIRMED Darwin Award: DEATH BY
LAVA LAMP
28 November 2004
Washington
We have a new Darwin winner, with
the recent demise of a man at the hands of his lava lamp. "Why on Earth he
heated a lava lamp on the stove, we don't know," said baffled police.
No drug or alcohol evidence was
found; Philip Quinn, 24, in his right mind, placed a lava lamp on his kitchen
burner and turned up the flame. In due course, he rediscovered this favorite
explosive generator of deadly shrapnel. He was found dead in his Kent trailer
home, a shard of glass through his heart.
-confirmed (KiroTV, CNN)
**********
CONFIRMED Darwin Award: KILLER
SHADES
17 September 2003
San Francisco, California
Barry Bonds had just made the last
out at the bottom of the eighth inning. By coincidence, Todd Edward Adams, a
Hawaiian surfer dude who had recently relocated to Santa Cruz for the gnarly
waves at Maverick's, was bumming the last beer from a new friend at the San
Francisco Giants' ballpark at the same time.
Todd was leaning back over the
railing of the Arcade port walk, getting to the "bottom eighth" of a
beer, when his Maui Jim* designer sunglasses slipped off the top of his
head. Down they fell, landing twenty-five feet below, where a helpful bum
picked them up and tried to toss them back.
But it was too far! Todd
called out that he was coming down to get them.
His wife, Kathy, described Todd as
"a passionate surfer" talented enough to turn pro. Perhaps his
sense of physical prowess was his downfall. The agile 38-year-old briefly
considered the long walk down, and then came up with an alternative. He
climbed over the railing, jumped to perch on a light sconce five feet below,
then dropped like Tarzan to the ground, gratefully reclaiming his shades from
the bum.
At least, that was the plan, and the
first part, climbing the railing, went fine. The second part was more
problematic. Todd missed the sconce and "came down like a
pancake," according to a startled observer a few feet from the point of impact.
The crowd was shocked into silence. Why would anyone take such a chance
for a pair of shades?
Todd would have been chagrined to
hear the observer's next words. "They looked cheap," he said,
apologizing, "I don't know sunglasses brands."
-confirmed (San Francisco Examiner,
Santa Cruz Sentinal, San Jose Mercury News)
______________________________
"Take a pencil and paper,"
the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a
Millionaire.' "
Everyone but Little Ali, who leaned back
with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the
teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my
secretary," Ali replied.
______________________________
DDL
You may not believe me, and yet,
Old gals are the very best bet.
They don't yell, tell, or swell,
And they screw hard as hell,
For it may be the last one they'll get!
______________________________
See Charlie Daniels in the Super
Bowl pregame show? He put on a few pounds. Oh man, forget Georgia, looks like
the devil went down to Fat Burger's! That's what happened."
--Jay Leno
***
"Today the White House
announced that President Bush's personal chef is quitting his job. When asked
why the chef said there is only so much you can do with Spaghettios."
--Conan O'Brien
***
I will make a bargain with the
Republicans. If they stop telling lies about Democrats, we will stop telling
the truth about them.
--Adlai Stevenson, During the 1952 presidential campaign.
***
It's an exciting time to be in New York City. It's Fashion Week and the city is
full of supermodels. Just today I saw a supermodel with a sign around her neck
that said "Will starve for food."
--Dave Letterman
***
I can't believe I actually own my
own house. I'm looking at a house and it's two hundred grand. The realtor says,
"It's got a great view." For two hundred grand I better open up the
curtains and see breasts against the window.
--Garry Shandling
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Store Prank Backfires; 2 Men Jailed
Tue Nov 30, 6:20 PM ET
LA VISTA, Neb. - A joke a man played
on his mom went to pot. A 22-year-old man walked into a gas station on Sunday
and told the clerk that he had a gun. The clerk wasn't worried because she was
his mother.
According to a police account,
another customer overheard the man and, not knowing it was a joke, called
authorities. Upon arriving at the station, officers found the prankster and a
friend in the parking lot.
The officers smelled marijuana, and
a search turned up a quarter-pound of pot and hundreds of dollars in cash. The
men were arrested for drug possession.
The two men are on parole and knew
they would be sent back to prison for a conviction. In a phone call, one of
them asked a girlfriend to tell police that the marijuana was hers.
The woman agreed and went to the
police station and said the pot was hers. But police knew the story was false
because the men's call to the woman was recorded.
She was arrested for false
reporting.
**********
Tue, Aug 31, 2004
Want a Australian sex change? Vote
Green
Tue Aug 31, 4:37 AM ET
By Paul Tait
CANBERRA (Reuters) - Australia's
election campaign has taken a wacky turn with claims the Greens party want to
allow the sale of "party" drugs, state funding for sex changes and
laws to make people ride bicycles and eat less meat.
The small but influential Greens
party rejected a media report which claimed it would campaign for all that and
more during the run-up to the October 9 election.
"Greens back illegal
drugs," Melbourne's Herald Sun tabloid declared in a Tuesday headline
above some of the most bizarre policy claims in Australian political history.
It reported the environmentally
friendly party wanted to allow the sale of ecstasy and other illegal drugs.
It also said the Greens wanted sex
changes made available under the Medicare government health scheme, state
backing for homosexual and transgender marriages and Australia's 20 million
population cut by two million.
Greens leader Bob Brown rejected
most of the Herald Sun's claims, saying the report had been concocted after the
newspaper contacted a right-wing thinktank that supports Prime Minister Howard.
The Greens policy paper released on
Tuesday showed the party did back "transgender medical procedures"
available under Medicare and for Australia to manage its domestic population
growth to contribute to a globally sustainable population.
It also favoured walking, cycling
and public transport as a means to cut the use of fossil fuels.
Howard has described the policies of
the Greens, which hold two seats in the upper house Senate and one in the lower
house, as "very, very kooky".
**********
Eagle Attacks, Carries Off Bear Cub
Wed Apr 28, 6:08 PM ET
OSLO, Norway - Wildlife experts were
stunned this week to see an eagle attack and carry off a bear cub in view of
its mother. The Norwegian Institute for Nature Research said it had not been
able to find any other such attack documented anywhere.
Sigvart Totland and Jarle Mogens
Totsaas were monitoring bears in central Norway for the Norwegian Directorate
for Nature Management when they saw the attack Sunday.
They saw a family of bears about 400
yards away that was climbing a steep incline. The smallest cub, weighing an
estimated 6 or 7 pounds, was trailing behind by about 10 yards.
"Suddenly an eagle swooped
down, grabbed the bear cub and flew away with it," Totsaas said Wednesday
on the state radio network NRK. "The bear cub was screaming the whole
time, and the eagle flew toward us and came very close. We could easily see the
bear cub hanging in its claws, and kicking."
Norwegian bears where generally
believed to have no natural enemies, which contributed to the surprise of the
experts over the attack.
Torgeir Nygaard, of the nature
institute, compared the event to finding snow in the Sahara desert.
