Subject: Daily Dose - 050501 - I'm a white boy, Hey Martha, Good News and
Bad News, DDL, Rotten News
A little Mexican boy goes into the
kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all
over his face.
He says, "Mom, look - I'm a
white boy!"
His mom slaps him in the face and
says, "Go show your father."
He goes to his dad in the living
room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face
and says, "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes into his grandmother's
room and say, "Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy."
His grandmother slaps him in the
face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says, "See, did you
learn anything from that?"
To which the boy replies, "Sure
did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you
Mexicans!"
______________________________
Hey Martha.... (true)
December 17, 2004
Oops: workers accidentally drill
hole through 17th-century painting
THE HAGUE, Netherlands (AP) - Construction workers accidentally drilled a hole
through a 17th-century painting worth 250,000 euros ($420,000 Cdn) while
renovating the Dutch upper house of parliament, officials said Friday.
The painting, Portrait of Jacob Cats
by Baroque Dutch painter Ludolf de Jongh, was on loan from the Hague Museum.
The accident occurred a "couple
of weeks ago" when the 1679 painting, which had been taken down and was
leaning up against a wall in the legislature's Noon Hall, was pierced by
workers who drilled through from the next room, said spokesman Janwillem
Lohwman.
"I'm sure the contractor isn't
pleased, but accidents happen," Lohwman said. The legislature has returned
the painting to the Hague Museum for repair.
***
December 8, 2004
Woman says she was never tempted to
keep $40K in found loot; gets reward
By RITA TRICHUR
TORONTO (CP) - A mother of six
children who relies on social assistance to support her family has been
rewarded for turning in $40,000 that she found on a busy east-end street -
proving, she says, that honesty is the best policy.
Debbie Peliti says TD Canada Trust
offered her a $2,000 "finder's fee" for her unwavering integrity.
"Hey, it wasn't mine - it didn't belong to me," Peliti said
Wednesday, adding she just can't understand all the fuss over her incredible
story. "It's my upbringing. I do the same with my kids."
A spokesman for TD Canada Trust said
he's "delighted" by her good deed.
"First and foremost, we really
appreciate this woman doing the right thing," said Jeff Keay. "We're
extending an appropriate gesture of our appreciation."
The woman dumbfounded bank officials
Monday when she turned in a plastic bag brimming with bundles of crisp bills
that she found in the middle of Kingston Road. She returned moments later carrying
armfuls of errant bills, loosened by passing cars and buried in the road's
slush.
The value of the recovered cash is
estimated at between $20,000 and $40,000, Keay said.
The bank is continuing its
investigation, but it doesn't appear the cash came from the branch.
As of Wednesday afternoon, no one
had stepped forward to claim the money.
______________________________
Good News and Bad News
After his annual physical, the
sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results.
"Well," said the doctor,
"I have good news and bad news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me
the good news first," replied the bachelor.
"The good news," announced
the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since
your last exam."
"Great!" the man shouted,
"What is the bad news?"
"It's malignant," replied
the doctor.
______________________________
DDL
Antoinette was a beautiful whore,
Who wore fifty-six beads, nothing more.
They sneered, "Unrefined!"
When she wore them behind,
So she tactfully wore them before.
______________________________
Over the past few years, scientists
at Heinz say they've been developing what they say is a revolutionary new kind
of baby bottle. It's a baby bottle actually shaped like a woman's breasts.
If that's true, forget baby bottles,
make beer bottles.
***
"A company is now making a cell
phone that allows you to talk to your dog. It enables you to talk to your dog.
The way it works is that first you have to be insane."
--Dave Letterman
***
"Don't make the same mistake
twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it? First you make the mistake.
Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice. If you
simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake,' you'll avoid the first mistake,
won't you?"
--George Carlin
***
"It's fun to be in Times Square
on New Years Eve. You get drunk, you kiss strangers at midnight - for a couple
of hours you're like Courtney Love."
--Dave Letterman
***
"How strange is this story -
the female business partner of actor Marlon Brando has sued the deceased actor
for sexual harassment. He's charged with sexual harassment five months after
he's dead! Boy that Viagra is unbelievable."
--Jay Leno
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Urinal Named As Most Influential Art
Wed Dec 1, 4:35 PM ET
LONDON - A porcelain urinal is the
most influential work of modern art, according to a survey released Wednesday.
The poll of 500 arts figures ranked
French surrealist Marcel Duchamp's 1917 piece "Fountain" an ordinary
white, porcelain urinal more influential than Pablo Picasso's "Les
Demoiselles d'Avignon," Andy Warhol's screen prints of Marilyn Monroe and
"Guernica," Picasso's searing depiction of the devastation of war.
Duchamp pioneered the use of
everyday objects as art, an aesthetic that questioned the nature of art itself.
Art expert Simon Wilson said the
choice of Duchamp's urinal "comes as a bit of a shock."
"But it reflects the dynamic
nature of art today and the idea that the creative process that goes into a
work of art is the most important thing the work itself can be made of anything
and can take any form," he said.
The survey was conducted by Gordon's
Gin, which sponsor's Britain's leading art prize, the Turner Prize.
*********
Wed, Dec 01, 2004
Germans think they're well-hung -
but they're not
BERLIN (Reuters) - Most German men
wear condoms of the wrong size, a condom distributor has said, after asking
more than 2,500 men to measure their erect penis.
"People measure their feet when
they buy shoes. Why shouldn't they measure their penises? A man would not wear
children's shoes," said Jan Vinzenz Krause of Vinico, which released the
study's findings on World AIDS Day.
Most condom boxes in Germany
indicated size but men, due to embarrassment or vanity, rarely checked or just
bought those marked "extra large", he said on Wednesday.
Vinico's survey recommended various
brands to be used -- depending on the endowment of the wearer.
The study found the average erect
penis size was 14.7 cm (5-3/4 inches), with 40 percent of participants
reporting lengths between 12 and 15 cm (4-3/4 and 5-7/8 inches).
When compared with the condoms
normally used by the participants, the results showed only 18 percent wore the
right size, with nearly half squeezing into condoms that were too small and 34
percent trying to use those that were too big.
*********
Artist eats fox in protest
Wed Dec 1, 6:10 AM ET
LONDON (Reuters) - Forget the soiled
bedsheets and pickled animals, art has taken another outrageous turn in an
example of the unspeakable swallowing the uneatable.
Performance artist Mark McGowan, who
counts among his feats pushing a peanut along the road to Tony Blair's Downing
street home with his nose, has eaten a fox, in protest at the public fixation
with a government ban on fox hunting.
He described the roast fox, which he
ate in public, as quite tasty, although he admitted to nearly vomiting at
times.
"It was a bit like rack of
lamb," he told Reuters on Wednesday. "The trouble was the retching
noises from the other people in the room."
Too much attention is paid to fox
hunting, he believes.
"One million people marched
against fox hunting and another million marched for it. The housing estate
where I live is full of crack-heads but no one marches to help them," he
said.
"Everyone gets really worked up
about a furry animal, but no one cares about each other."
McGowan plans to repeat the
performance at an exhibition in London's Docklands on December 15.
now that's in poor taste !