Subject: Daily Dose - 050430 - More Groaners

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"

A little kid then said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, they're always talking about 'Verge 'n Mary.'"

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An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot.

He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot. "Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.

"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterdiaay.

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In 1975, the CTA got President Thieu out of Vietnam and put him up at an apartment in Paris where they had formerly housed Argentina's deposed president, Juan Peron.

Fortunately for the CIA's budget, the rent for the apartment had not increased since Peron had been there.

In fact, Thieu could live as cheaply as Juan!
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My uncle was giving me the grand tour of his nice house. The bathrooms had excessively mirrored walls and his wife preferred not to look at herself in such a compromising position. She even went so far as to place a "modesty plant" so that it obscured the view.

Now I don't think there is anything wrong with mirrored walls in the bathroom. I told my uncle: "You should be able to sit and reflect"
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William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was also a great cook. One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his friends, he said "I think there is one or more spices missing. What do you think?"

Their answer was, "Only thyme, Will Tell."
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A happily married man had only one complaint - his wife was always nursing sick birds. One evening, last winter, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favourite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was towelling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."
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I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Crem-mation?" was discussed. Two of the people got rather worked up. One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!"

The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"
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The longshoremen in Southhampton have developed a variant on their favorite game. The object of the game is not just to hit the ball with the bat, but to get it to hit, or, better still, to land in, one of the many smokestacks in the port.

Of course the game is called Chimney Cricket.
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Q:What grows up while growing down?  

A:A Goose

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Q:What do you call an Irishman who is continuously bouncing off of the walls?

A:Rick O'Shea
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Two men were discussing cars and one of them mentioned he had once owned a Rolls-Kinardly. "What is a Rolls-Kinardly?" his friend asked.

"That," the man explained, "is a car that rolls down one hill and kin'ardly get up the next."
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We have a new employee, Jose, at the local Home Depot and has proven to be very knowledgeable and helpful to the sawdust challenged like myself.

Yesterday I needed his guidance after ruining several pieces of wood with my newly purchased belt sander. A fast trip to the store led to the retro question, "Can you tell me the way to sand, Jose?"