Subject: Daily Dose - 050425 - awaiting surgery, True Stella Awards,
Burning Rubber, DDL, Rotten News
An older Jewish gentleman was on the
operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned
surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked
to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your
best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ...
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
_____________________________
True Stella Aawards
ROUNDUP FOR THE ROUND FILE
by Randy Cassingham
HIS LAWYER CAN RUN RINGS AROUND
YOURS
Michael Strauss, of Chicago, Ill.,
was tucking into a burger and onion rings from a White Castle restaurant in
Bourbonnais, Ill., two years ago when, upon biting into one of the onion rings,
"scalding hot grease splattered out and onto" his arm, "scalding
and severely burning him." He has sued the burger chain for the
"severe and permanent injuries" he says he suffered from the
"unreasonably dangerous" food.
Onion rings, of course, are cooked
by submerging them into hot grease. So how does he justify that they were
"unreasonably dangerous"? He says they were served in "defective
condition", which apparently means "freshly dumped from the fryer
basket", which left him in "great pain and anguish in mind and
body". The suit, filed with the help of attorney Janine Rosana, demands
$50,000 in compensation.
The Chicago Sun-Times found the case
reminiscent of the Stella Liebeck case against McDonald's. She sued them after
she spilled hot coffee in her lap. It did not happen to say whether Strauss'
lawyer is related to Rosanne Rosana-Danna of "Saturday Night Live".
---
GRAVE MISTAKE
Brad Graves and Ronald Hicks are
both life-long residents of Etna, Maine, population 1,000. Using his computer,
Hicks made a joke "wanted poster" featuring a photo of Graves; it
identified him as "Abdul Graves, suspected leader of the outlaw
organization Extreme Activist Terrorism Militia of Etna" (or
"EATME") and posted it on the cash register at the Country Corner
Variety store for one day. Rather than laugh, Graves called his lawyer.
Attorney Brett Baber said Graves was
"mortified" by being called a terrorist. "In this day and age,
anytime one is alleged to be a terrorist and part of a terrorist group, it does
inherent damage to one's reputation," Baber says, helping justify his
filing a lawsuit against Hicks in Penobscot County Superior Court. The suit
seeks "reasonable" compensatory and punitive damages, plus costs.
Like, maybe, two bits?
---
PAYDAY PLAY
Mark Guthrie, 43, is a former
newspaper carrier for the Hartford Courant of Connecticut, which is owned by
the Tribune Co. of Chicago, Ill. There is also a baseball player by the name of
Mark Guthrie, who is five years younger than the carrier; he formerly played
for the Chicago Cubs, which is also owned by the Tribune Co. A year ago, the
Tribune's payroll department mixed the two men up and deposited $301,000 of the
baseball player's pay into the newspaper carrier's bank account. It took five
weeks for the company to detect the error. The low-paid delivery man noticed
the money, but didn't touch it out of fear -- he knew it was a mistake, and
cooperated with Tribune when the baseball pitcher wanted to be paid his salary.
But Guthrie of Connecticut stopped
the last $26,000 from being taken out of his account until the company proved
to him that he would not suffer any tax ramifications over the company's error.
"I need them to open the books to me and show me I don't have any tax
liabilities," he said. "It's mind-boggling. They never should have
made the mistake to begin with." Plus, he says, he thinks his own pay was
given to the baseball player. All he wants, he says, is a full accounting so he
knows he was paid correctly and won't suffer from Tribune's mistake.
Tribune, not about to be jerked
around by one of its newsboys, balked. It sued him, demanding the return of the
rest of the money. "We have no desire to embarrass Mr. Guthrie or bring
undue attention to his actions," says Cubs attorney Paul Guggina. "We
just want the money back." The Connecticut Guthrie has hired his own
lawyer, and now says he won't settle until Tribune pays for that expense, too.
Guthrie, the baseball player, didn't
get picked up by the Cubs and is now a free agent. Guthrie the newspaper
carrier was also dropped by the media conglomerate due to the lawsuit -- and is
presumably also a free agent.
---
** CASE UPDATES **
AW, SHOOT!
In a mediated settlement, the
manufacturer of the rifle used by the "Beltway Snipers" -- and the
dealer the teen gunman stole it from -- have agreed to pay compensation to the
families of three of the gunmen's victims in what their lawyers describe as a
"landmark" victory. Bushmaster Firearms of Maine will pay out
$550,000, and Bull's Eye Shooter Supply of Tacoma, Wash., will pay $2 million.
The suit was pressed for the
families by The Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence. It crowed that the
settlement "sends a loud message to all gun manufacturers." A Bushmaster
lawyer begs to differ: "The Brady Center lawsuit was intended to put
Bushmaster out of business or make it change its business practices," says
attorney Steve Fogg. "Neither goal was accomplished." The company's
insurance will pay the entire settlement.
---
ON A CLEAR CHANNEL YOU CAN SEEK
(DAMAGES) FOREVER
A police officer and a restaurant in
Philadelphia, Penn., sued a local radio station over an on-air stunt. The radio
personality ate at the restaurant, but then wouldn't pay for his meal. His
excuses, and the restaurant manager's reactions to his antics, were secretly
being broadcast over the air live. The restaurant's manager, who had been held
up 12 days before, was so nervous over the strangely acting man called the
police, and the officer's confrontation of the man was also broadcast. Only
when the officer told the man he was under arrest did he reveal he was pulling
a stunt, and someone from the radio station paid his bill.
The suits were featured in TSA.
Readers objected, pointing out that such surreptitious radio broadcasts were
illegal -- something the radio station either knew, or should have known -- and
the "Stella Award" was withdrawn.
The police officer's case went to
arbitration. He was awarded $1,000 in damages plus $3,000 in punitive damages,
since the broadcast was illegal. He also won $20,000 for attorney's fees. Clear
Channel, which owns the station ("Q102"), says it "completely
disagrees with the ruling and will appeal." The suit by the restaurant is
still pending.
___________________________
Burning Rubber
One day this old man was about to
have sex with an eighteen-year-old girl, who he did not know. The old man
began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why is he putting one
on.
She said "you don't have to
worry about getting me pregnant because you are too old and you don't have to
worry about catching anything because you are going to die pretty soon
anyway".
The old man continued to put on his
condom he then looked up at the girl and said, "young girl the reason I am
putting on this condom isn't because I am afraid of getting you pregnant or
catching anything. I just like the scent of burning rubber."
___________________________
DDL
A bride, who lived just outside
Valley,
Said, "So far we've only been pally;
But now that we're wed,
Just take me to bed -
And see that you don't dilly-dally."
____________________________
"The big advantage of a book is
it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning."
--Jerry Seinfeld
***
"At 38 years, I finally got me
the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: 'My dad owns
a liquor store.'"
--Mark Klein
***
"Every night I tell myself,
'I'm going to dream about my girl, I'm going to dream about my girl.' But it's
always ham hocks."
--320 pound NFL player Nate Newton
***
"He tells me to drink lemon
juice after a hot bath, but I can never finish the bath."
--Former baseball player Bob Eucker on his doctor's advice for getting rid of a
cold.
***
A woman had started a new job
collecting the sperm from turkeys to use for artificial insemination. One day,
as she went up to one turkey, it went "Gobble, gobble."
She replied, "Quite down!
You'll settle for a hand job like the rest!"
***
My Dick is so big, movie theatre
popcorn now comes in 'small', 'medium', 'large', and 'my dick'."
--Drew Carey
__________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Thu, Jan 20, 2005
Top mice take over Dutch F-16s
AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Mice seeking
shelter in the cold Dutch winter found a short-lived home inside four Dutch air
force F-16 fighter jets by building nests with wiring they had gnawed loose, an
air force spokeswoman said on Thursday.
"We are based next to a large
nature reserve and as it's winter, mice seek warm places to shelter," said
Kirsten Regnery, an air force spokeswoman at the Leeuwarden F-16 base in the
north of the country.
The mice nests and damaged cables
were found recently in F-16s that were awaiting a major maintenance overhaul.
Regnery said the army was called in to make the jet hangars "mice
unfriendly" with traps and poison.
"The planes have been serviced,
have new wiring and are airborne again," she added.
*********
Ariz. Sheriff Deputies Use Pink
Handcuffs
Thu Jan 13, 5:25 PM ET
PHOENIX - Maricopa County Sheriff's
deputies began using fluorescent pink handcuffs Thursday to transport inmates.
Sheriff Joe Arpaio said he
introduced the pink handcuffs because he was tired of losing them to his own
deputies and other law enforcement agencies. Arpaio said he assumes nobody else
has pink handcuffs, so they will be easy to spot.
He ordered 1,000 of the pink
handcuffs, which are made in England. They cost 60 cents more than silver ones.
Patrol deputies will still carry the silver cuffs, which they pay for
themselves.
Maricopa County inmates wear pink
boxers and sleep on pink sheets.
*********
Romanian couple name their son Yahoo
Thu Jan 13, 5:56 AM ET
BUCHAREST (Reuters) - A Romanian
couple has named their son Yahoo as a sign of gratitude for meeting over the
Internet, a Bucharest newspaper reports.
Daily Libertatea said on Thursday
Cornelia and Nonu Dragoman, both from Transylvania, met and decided they were
meant for each other following a three-month relationship over the net.
They married and had a baby this
Christmas, whom they decided to name after one of the worldwide web's most
popular portals.
"We named him Lucian Yahoo
after my father and the net, the main beacon of my life," Cornelia
Dragoman was quoted as saying.
