Subject: Daily Dose - 050424 - Canary Yellow, BIZARRE NEWS, dress shirt,
high school class ring, DDL, Rotten News
Canary Yellow
Jim strolls into the paint section
of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant.
"I'd like a pint of
canary-colored paint," he says.
"Certainly," says the
clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Jim.
"See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I
know he's sure to win."
"Well, you can't do that,
Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost
certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't," Jim
replies.
"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you
ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."
"You're on!" says Jim.
Two days later Jim comes back
looking very sheepish and puts ten bucks on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your
bird?"
"Indirectly," Jim says.
"He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding
between coats.""
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Presidential Facts
Herbert Hoover and his wife both
spoke fluent Chinese. Hoover was also the first president to have a telephone
on his desk in the White House.
When Calvin Coolidge was being
driven in a car, he would always insist that the driver didn't exceed sixteen
miles per hour.
George Washington had wooden false
teeth.
James Garfield could write in Greek
with one hand while simultaneously writing in Latin with the other.
Jimmy Carter developed the knack of
speed reading and was once tested and found to have 95 percent comprehension at
a reading rate of 2,000 words a minute.
When he was young, Rutherford Hayes
suffered from a strange phobia: the fear of going insane.
Franklin D. Roosevelt's mother
dressed him exclusively in girl's clothing until the age of five.
John Quincy Adams used to take a swim
in the Potomac River every morning - naked.
Zachary Taylor moved around the
country so much that he never managed to register to vote. Consequently, the
first time he voted, he was sixty-two years old.
George Bush, a chubby toddler, was
nicknamed "Fatty McGee McGaw" by his father.
[From "That Book of Perfectly
Useless Information]
***
This Candy's Not What It's Cracked
Up to Be
CHICAGO HEIGHTS, Ill. - A 4-year-old
boy did what any polite young child would do and shared the candy he found in
his backpack with his fellow classmates. There was just one problem. What the
innocent boy thought was candy was actually 40 small bags of crack cocaine!
Authorities say that the boy
apparently lived in a home where drug dealing was happening, and someone had
used his book bag as a hiding place for the crack. The child had the drugs with
him on Friday and began handing them out on the playground.
School authorities quickly recovered
the bags and handed them over to police. The boy was taken into custody of the
Department of Children and Family Services and placed in a relative's home.
***
A Penny Saved is Two Million Pennies
Earned
COUNCIL BLUFFS, Iowa - A penny can
still go a long way these days. According to officials at a Harrah's casino in
Council Bluffs, Iowa, a lucky man from Nebraska won $1.9 million while playing
a penny video slot machine.
After putting about $100 into the
Twilight Zone penny slot machine it finally paid off. The winner, whose name
has yet to be released by the casino, said he thought he won only $98 until
concluding the total was close to $2 million.
The Nebraska man will receive his
winnings in annual installments.
***
I See London, I See France...
FAIRFIELD, Conn. - Police discovered
228 pairs of thong underwear inside the car of a pair of professional thong
thieves.
Monica Barbosa and Anparo Cruz were
busted by police after running a red light.
Authorities also found clothing
taken from stores like Victoria's Secret, Banana Republic, Ann Taylor Loft and
The Gap. The thieves were able to sneak the clothes out using a booster bag
that wouldn't set off the shoplifting alarms. Aside from the undergarments,
police found bikini tops and bottoms, maternity dresses, corsets, women's tops,
shirts and a cashmere sweater.
Officers said that the store
managers had no idea how the thongs had been swiped.
***
Boy Gets Hopping Mad At Easter Bunny
BAY CITY, Mich. - The Easter Bunny
is the one who usually gives treats to the kids, but this year a 13-year-old
treated the Michigan mall Easter bunny to a knock in the nose.
According to Bay City Police, the
kid hit the costumed 18-year-old in the face numerous times. As a result, the
bunny received a bloody nose. The altercation happened while the rabbit was
waiting to take pictures with children.
Luckily no children witnessed the
bloody bunny beating. However, police are planning to ask prosecutors to charge
the younger teen with assault.
Happy Easter, Kid.
__________________________
While I was working in the men's
section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white
dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the
woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands,
forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.
"I don't know his size,"
she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."
***********
As he fiddled with his high school
class ring, the one he got after graduating in 2000, my son Aaron asked,
"Mom, I've been wondering. What were you and dad thinking when you gave me
the initials ACH?"
"Nothing," I answered
back. "Why?"
He showed me the inscription in his
ring. It read: "ACH 00"
_____________________________
DDL
There was a young lady called
Valerie
Who started to count every calorie.
Said her boss in disgust,
'If you lose half your bust
Then you're worth only half of your salary.'
_____________________________
"Arnold Schwarzenegger is
backing legislation to ban junk food in schools. It's part of Arnold's new
school program -- No Child Left With a Big Behind."
--Jay Leno
***
"The star of the new show
"Fat Actress" Kirstie Alley says that any time she strays from her
diet she's going to donate $100 to one of her favorite charities. In a related
story three diseases have been completely eradicated."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"Do you want the Olympics to be
here in New York City in 2012? The Olympic Selection Committee is here right
now. Things are going well, so far only one committee member is missing."
--Dave Letterman
***
Definition of Bravery
True bravery is arriving home
stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys....
Then..... being assaulted by your
wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: "Are you cleaning, or
were you flying somewhere?”
***
Words to live by..
"Live so that you wouldn't mind
selling your pet parrot to the town gossip."
- Will Rogers
__________________________
Rotten News... (true)
600 Thai Cops Fail Traffic Law Test
Mon Mar 7,10:48 AM ET
BANGKOK, Thailand - More than 600
policemen in the Thai capital have temporarily lost the right to issue tickets
to motorists after failing a test on traffic law, a senior police officer said
Monday.
The police department last month
tested 4,475 officers on their knowledge of traffic law, and almost one in
seven failed to show adequate knowledge, said Maj. Gen. Montree Jamroon, a
deputy commander of the Metropolitan Police Bureau.
"A total of 665, accounting for
about 14 percent of the traffic policemen in Bangkok, failed the test on
traffic law and they will not be allowed to issue tickets until they
pass," he said.
Those who failed the test would have
to take it again within six months, said Montree.
Bangkok drivers have long complained
about the seemingly arbitrary enforcement of traffic laws.
******
Thu, Jan 20, 2005
Drug Dealer Leaves Loot at Shopping
Mall
WINNIPEG, Manitoba (Reuters) - A
crack cocaine dealer who forgot a backpack containing C$91,000 ($74,000) in a
Winnipeg mall was arrested after he tried to reclaim the bag at the mall's
lost-and-found desk.
The dealer, Shu Tshung Wong, 32,
received a five-year prison sentence this week, the Winnipeg Sun reported on
Wednesday. The newspaper quoted the judge in the case as saying the penalty was
at the "low end of the scale," but noted Wong, who agreed to the
sentence, did not have a previous criminal record.
After police arrested Wong, they
found a key to a storage locker that contained cocaine, cash and equipment
commonly used to cook cocaine into the crack form, the newspaper said.
"Regret doesn't come close to
describing my feelings," Wong said in court. "My family has been
devastated and that is something that is my fault."
*********
Lawmakers Asked to Take Helm, Donate
Sperm
Wed Jan 12,10:01 PM ET
MELBOURNE, Australia - A leading
Australian fertility expert said Thursday he has asked state lawmakers to help
turn around dwindling sperm bank reserves by publicly signing up as donors.
Prof. Gab Kovacs, medical director
of Victoria state's largest in-vitro fertilization clinic Monash IVF, sent
letters to all male state lawmakers aged under 45 to pose the question,
"have you ever thought of becoming a sperm donor?"
"We hope that if some of the
leading role models within our community become donors, others may follow
suit," the letter, mailed Wednesday, said.
Kovacs said his approach had been
inspired but the success of a campaign involving high-profile celebrities in
encouraging Australians to become organ donors.
Sperm stocks have dwindled since the
state law changed in 1998, under which donations are only accepted from men who
agree to have their identities revealed to a child at the age of 18.
Monash IVF has only 13 sperm donors,
with just five new men signing up last year, Kovacs said.
Before the law changed, the clinic
signed up to 20 new donors a year, Kovacs said.
A clinic spokeswoman said Thursday
no lawmaker had yet responded to the letters.
Wrong hospital.... (passed
along by John in Vancouver)