Subject: Daily Dose - 050420 - Indian in the cafe, THIS is TRUE, new
shower, DDL, Rotten News
An Indian walks into a cafe with a
shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure thing,
coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of
coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts
the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out of the place!
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He
walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee!"
The waiter says, "Whoa, mister!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck is all this
about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
__________________________
THIS is TRUE.....
SPREADING THE NEWS: Jack W. Pacheco,
35, of Chowchilla, Calif., was upset when his small-town newspaper reported he
had been arrested on drug charges. He insists the drugs weren't his, but when
the newspaper wouldn't pull the story he tried to buy every one of the 700
copies of The Chowchilla News that were printed, and estimates he got as many
as 600 of them. "I have a whole garage full of newspapers," he says.
There were only three things wrong with his plan: first, the paper also prints
550 copies for subscribers, which weren't intercepted; second, after Pacheco
bought up the remaining newsstand copies the newspaper had 500 more printed,
and third, Pacheco's tactic was reported on by other area papers -- and the
report was picked up and spread internationally by newswire services. (Merced
Sun-Star)
..."Never pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel."
--attributed to Mark Twain, American writer (1835-1910)
***
BUMBLED BROADBAND: "I was a
desperate man," says Charles Gonsoulin, 41. Barred from entering Canada
due to a 1984 robbery conviction, Gonsoulin decided to sneak across the border
by walking from Pembina, N.D., to Winnipeg, Man., Canada, to visit a Canadian
woman he met in an Internet chat room. The February walk "was a lot worse
than I thought," Gonsoulin says; he lives in sunny Los Angeles. "When
I found him, he was babbling and incoherent," said Cpl. Don McKenna of the
RCMP. "He didn't know who he was or where he was." In 100 hours of
walking through heavy snow, Gonsoulin only traveled 7 km (4-1/3 miles). "I
will never regret it. I'm in love," he says, despite never getting to meet
his girlfriend, being deported back to the U.S., and losing five toes and all
of his fingers to frostbite. (Canadian Press, Winnipeg Sun)
...Well, so much for typing messages in chat rooms.
***
CATNAP: Maggie Leonard discovered
her cat was missing during her 11th birthday party. A neighbor, Ft. Lauderdale,
Fla., firefighter Christopher Cortes, 32, has been charged with theft after he
allegedly admits stealing the cat, driving it about 40 miles to the Everglades,
and dumping it there because it had scratched his truck. James Benjamin,
Cortes' attorney, says his client did the cat a favor by dropping it off in a
rural area, rather than taking it to the pound where it would probably have
been killed. "He took it to a safe-looking place where there are a lot of
mice," he offered. Nearly two weeks later, the cat arrived back home,
having walked back on its own. (South Florida Sun-Sentinel)
...Cortes' truck is in real trouble now.
***
HOW'S THAT AGAIN? After a
recommendation by a panel of 15 "eminent theologians and linguists"
chaired by Biblical translator Ronald Youngblood, the International Bible
Society has reworded its Today's New International Version of the Bible to make
it clear that being "stoned" means being beaten to death with rocks.
"We wanted to keep it from being confused with drug addiction,"
Youngblood explained. (London Guardian)
...People don't get confused with "stoned". They get confused over
all the "shall nots".
***
IT'S ONE WAY, ANYWAY:
"Conceiving a Way to Get More Babies"
-- Sydney (Australia) Morning Herald headline
____________________________
In search of a new shower for our
home, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store.
We discussed our needs with a young
saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion
and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision.
Later that evening, my wife and I
were at a restaurant, where the same young lady from the bathroom-supply store
was now working a shift as a waitress.
As she passed our table, she
suddenly recognized us and called to me in a loud voice, "HEY! You're the
man who needs a shower!"
__________________________
DDL
A curious thing, the vagina,
Said the Doctor of cology (gyne),
It has lips that don't talk,
And goes 'squish' when you walk,
But I've never seen anything fina!
___________________________
"In a recent interview, Dan
Rather says he doesn't mind being attacked because 'the stronger the breeze the
stronger the trees.' Then he said, 'What the hell am I talking about?'"
--Conan O'Brien
***
"I have a punishing workout
regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a
glass of vodka and smoke a cigarette."
--Anthony Hopkins
***
"The sea was angry that day, my
friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli."
--George Costanza, SEINFELD
***
Manager: "For a man with no
experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."
Applicant: "Well, the work is
much harder when you don't know what you're doing."
***
"People want to say there isn't
racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is
Muhammad, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra
early."
--Jay Leno
_____________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Man cuts and eats own penis!
Agence France-Presse
Zamboanga, Philippines, March 7,
2005
A man ended up in a southern
Philippines hospital on Monday after severing and then eating his own penis,
hospital officials said.
Ernesto Almonte, 40, was in stable
condition at the Zamboanga City Medical Center, emergency room staff said.
They could not confirm a report by
local radio station DXRG that the bizarre act was triggered by an erectile
dysfunction problem.
Asked about the patient's mental
state, one staff member said: "If you cut your sex organ and then eat it,
then something is wrong with you."
*********
Colombian Police Impound Pacho the
Donkey
Tue Mar 8, 5:04 PM ET
By KIM HOUSEGO
BOGOTA, Colombia - The suspect was a
little long in the face after being arrested and is braying for an early
release.
Police said Tuesday they detained
the suspect, a donkey named Pacho, after a motorcycle crashed into it on a road
in a northeastern city, with the motorcyclist suffering serious injuries.
"When there are road accidents
and serious injuries, the vehicles involved are always impounded," said
Diana Rojas, spokeswoman for the Arauca city police department. "We had to
impound both the donkey and the motorcycle and put them at the disposal of
investigators so they can decide what to do with them and whether to release
them," she said.
Pacho's owner, Nelson Gonzalez, said
no one should pin the blame on the donkey for Sunday's crash.
"Neither the donkey nor I were
responsible because I was in front and the motorcyclist saw me,"Gonzalez
told RCN television.
The motorcyclist remained in the
hospital on Tuesday.
The donkey, whose legs were hurt in
the crash, is being held at an impound yard in Arauca. Gonzalez has been
trekking to the site to feed his donkey. Rojas said it was unclear when the
investigation would be concluded.
**********
Tue, Mar 08, 2005
Heaven Can Wait, Court Tells Dying
Man
ROME (Reuters) - A man given six
months to live by his doctors has been told by an Italian court to come back in
14 months to hear the outcome of his demand for insurance damages.
Carmelo Cisabella, 39, has an inoperable
spine disease and is anxious to pick up some $596,300 in already-agreed damages
from his insurers to help ease his final months of life, Il Messaggero
newspaper reported Tuesday.
In a bid to speed up the process,
Cisabella turned to the Sicilian courts to put pressure on the slow-moving
insurers, but was told to return next year to hear their decision.
In his frustration, he chained
himself to the gates of the law courts to bring attention to his plight.
Il Messaggero said Cisabella's woes
dated back more than a decade when he was left paralyzed by a motorcycle
accident. Confined to a wheelchair, he subsequently developed a lethal
infection of the spine.
The insurance claim dates back to
the road crash.
Italian justice is notoriously slow
and it takes on average 3,041 days to obtain a definitive sentence in a civil
case.
