Subject: Daily Dose - 050419 - dripping, BIZARRE NEWS, Sidewalk Talk, DDL,
Rotten News
A man went to the doctor because he
had a problem with his penis dripping after had urinated.
The doctor said, "No problem,
we can fix that for you. It is really a simple procedure. We just graft a piece
of skin from your nose onto your penis and it will take care of the
problem."
After the operation, the guy went to
the washroom to see if the operation worked. He peed, shook and waited. Suddenly
a small drip began to form and he thought to himself, it didn't work! Then all
of a sudden he heard "sniffff" and it was gone!
___________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Couples
Fabien Pretou, standing at 6ft, 2
inches tall, towered over his 3ft, 1 inch bride Natalie Lucius at their 1990
wedding in Seysinnet-Pariset, France.
Harry Stevens, 103, married his
84-year-old cousin, Thelma Lucas, at a Wisconsin retirement home in 1984.
In 1871, Captain Martin van Buren
Bates married Anna Hanen Swan in London. She was 7ft 5 1/2 inches tall and he
stood at 7ft 2 1/2 inches.
When Ruth and Kevin Kimber married
in 1990, she was 93 and he was 28.
In 1863, American dwarf Charles S.
Stratton married Lavinia Warren. He was 2ft, 10in tall and she was 2ft 8 in. In
1884, the widowed Lavinia married Count Primo Magri who was two inches shorter
than her first husband.
In 1995, following a courtship that
lasted several months, 100-year-old Samuel Bukoro married 12-year-old
Nyamihanda in Uganda.
In 1994, 26-year-old Anna Nicole
Smith tied the knot with 89-year-old millionaire J. Howard Marshall. She was
attracted by his "kindness."
***
So Angry He Could Kill
A man found a new use for his pair
of crutches - he built a rifle into them and then shot his wife when she
arrived at court for a divorce hearing.
Silvio Angelini, 56, fired at his
wife twice, hitting her in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital and was
said to be critically ill.
Wearing protective body gear,
firearms experts arrived at the scene of the shooting to remove the crutches.
According to investigators, Angelini, a metal worker, had built the rifle into
the hospital issue crutches in his workshop.
This isn't Angelini's first run-in
with the law. Last year he was arrested for placing a box of gunpowder and
pieces of metal under his wife's car.
***
Do Your Balls Smell?
MILWAUKEE, Wis. - It's not enough
that bowlers can get their ball in almost any color available. Now they can get
their very own scented bowling ball.
Storm Products has a line of
upper-end bowling balls that release scents like cinnamon, orange, amaretto and
cherry, just to name a few. A licorice-scented ball helped distract four-time
Professional Bowlers Association champ Ryan Shafer from winning a match.
These new balls can be a great
advantage to any bowler, but they come with a price. They range from $150 to
$250.
Hopefully, this will help to
cover-up that bowling alley smell.
***
Looks Like Someone Needs to Monitor
Her
TUCSON - A school monitor at
Myers-Ganoung Elementary School in Tucson has lost her job for disciplining two
first-graders by stuffing either weeds or grass into their mouths.
Apparently, the troublesome duo had
made fun of another school monitor, who is deaf. A custodian took them to the
deaf school monitor to apologize for what they did.
They were being escorted back to
school when another monitor, Diana Ellis, came up to them. The custodian was
distracted by other students, but turned back when he heard choking sounds. He
realized that Ellis was stuffing weeds into the boys' mouths.
Ellis, 43, was cited by police for
misdemeanor aggravated assault, and lost her job at the elementary school.
***
This'll Get Your Goat...High
TEHRAN, Iran - Iranian police found
84 pounds of opium inside the stomachs of nine sheep and goats.
Allegedly, drug traffickers forced
the animals to swallow the dope which would allow it to travel to western
Europe undetected.
Iran officials seized the sizable
sum and got the trafficker's goat... figuratively and literally.
_________________________________
Sidewalk Talk
Two men are approaching each other
on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they
meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him
says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
_____________________________
DDL
An Eskimo on his vacation,
Took a night off to succumb to temptation.
'Ere the night was half through,
The Eskimo was, too,
For their nights are of six months' duration.
______________________________
"No man is an Ireland."
--Chicago Mayor Richard Daley
***
"Only Irish coffee provides in
a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and
fat."
--Alex Levine
***
"In a study, scientists report
that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say
"scientists"? I meant "Irish people."
--Tina Fey
***
"The problem with Ireland is
that it's a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent."
--Hugh Leonard
***
"The Irish gave the bagpipes to
the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet."
--Oliver Herford
***
"When I realized what I had
turned out to be was a lousy, two-bit pool hustler and a drunk, I wasn't
depressed at all. I was glad to have a profession."
--Danny McGoorty, Irish Pool Player
***
Almost 150 yrs. ago, President
Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton.
He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time the federal police
authority has grown to a large number of three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS,
IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now comes a proposal for another agency: The
"Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can't you see it now, the new
service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters
across their backs? 'FATASS'.
***
"Why don't they make the whole
plane out of that black box stuff?"
--Steven Wright
________________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
German lottery winner rushes back to
work
Thu Mar 17,11:20 AM ET
BERLIN (Reuters) - Germany's biggest
individual lottery winner had no time to celebrate after becoming 20.4 million
euros (14.2 million pounds) richer because he was too worried about being late
for work.
When the salesman, who was not
identified by WestLotto, arrived on Thursday to buy his weekly lottery ticket
at a shop in the industrial Ruhr area he was told last week's 12-euro ticket
that he hadn't bothered to check had won the jackpot.
The man's reaction left the lottery
operator dumbfounded.
"After he was told he had won
the jackpot, he said he didn't have time to chat because he would get into
trouble with his boss," a lottery spokesman in the western city of
Muenster said. Instead, he rushed off to catch a bus to work.
There were few details about the
lucky man, a pigeon-lover in his 30s, except that he planned to trade in his
rented apartment for something a little bigger in the country. It was not known
if he would stay on in his job as a salesman.
*********
Ex-Judge Jailed for Using Cough
Medicine
Sat Mar 12,11:02 PM ET
SAN JOSE, Calif. - A former Santa
Clara County judge was jailed for drinking over-the-counter cough medicine
while serving his house arrest sentence.
Judge William Danser, who was
convicted for fixing traffic tickets last year, was required to stay away from
alcohol as a condition of his 90-day electronic monitoring. But on March 4,
seven days before the end of his sentence, Danser took Nyquil, which contains
so much alcohol that it was specifically prohibited unless he notified
authorities, his attorney said.
On the day Danser took the medicine,
a probation officer made a surprise 9:30 p.m. visit to his Saratoga home.
Danser's wife told the officer her husband had a cold and was in bed. She was
told to wake him up to provide a urine sample.
After test results showed traces of
alcohol, Danser was ordered Wednesday to spend the rest of his sentence in
jail. His sentence expired late Friday night.
A probation department spokeswoman,
Delores Nnam, said Danser was clearly in violation of the rules, and the only
prescribed sanction was a return to jail.
Danser's attorney, Kenneth Robinson,
said the former judge simply forgot to tell his probation officer that he had a
bad cough and needed to take NyQuil.
Robinson said Danser had passed
every previous visit from his probation officer, none of his previous urine
tests contained alcohol and liquor was never found in his house.
"The moral of this story is, if
he gets sick, he goes to jail," Robinson told the San Jose Mercury News.
*********
Pay your taxes or face the music
Fri Mar 11, 3:07 AM ET
HYDERABAD, India (Reuters) - Tax
defaulters in southern India are being forced to face the music after city
authorities hired drummers to play non-stop outside their homes until they pay
up.
After many residents ignored
repeated demands to settle overdue property taxes. authorities in a city in
Andhra Pradesh state have sent 20 groups of drummers to play outside offenders'
houses for the past week.
"They put up a spectacle
outside the houses of defaulters, draw them out and explain their dues to them
and the need to clear it at the earliest," said T.S.R. Anjaneyulu,
municipal commissioner of Rajahmundry city.
"They don't stop until people
agree to clear the dues."
The city, owed a total of 50 million
rupees (600,000 pounds), had been at its wits' end after sops like waiving
interest and penalties had failed to recover the arrears.
The new method seems to be working,
though. One week of incessant drumming has cleared 18 percent of the backlog.
Look at what they're praying
towards.