Subject: Daily Dose - 050418 - don't know her size, THIS is TRUE, Is it this amazing, DDL, Rotten News

Trying to make up for bad behavior, a man went to the shopping mall to buy his wife a gift. "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," he says eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," the man replied, "She also needs a bra and panties."

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THIS is TRUE....

GENDER DISCRIMINATION: To call attention to its new line, the Young Designers Emporium of South Africa has a new poster ad campaign in its shop windows. The "Brand Spanking New Fashions" posters feature models in their underwear sporting red marks on their thighs to imply they've been spanked with a paddle. The Law Society of South Africa has expressed outrage over the posters, which go "against the grain of eradicating the trivialization and humiliation of the female body," says Society spokeswoman Nonto Umlaw. "We show a man and woman being spanked," points out YDE Creative Director Sam Coleman. "It is quite surprising that no one said anything about the man." (Pietermaritzburg Witness)
...Well no: obviously he deserved it.

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FACE THE MUSIC III: While performing in a musical in a community theater, Jay Meisenhelder "fell in love" with a fellow actress. She is 16. "I'm 53-years-old, and believe me, I know what love is," he wrote her in an e-mail. "I love you as I have only loved two other women in my life." He also met the girl for a candle-lit music session. When his boss found out about the e-mail, apparently sent from work, and the meeting, Meisenhelder was fired from his job -- as the Marion County, Ind., deputy prosecutor and assistant chief of the sex crimes division. Meisenhelder, who is married, insists "nothing I did was illegal." His lawyer agrees: Meisenhelder was just "expressing a fantasy," attorney Roberta Ross says. "What they essentially chose to do was take an excellent eight-year employee who lived and breathed and loved his job and dramatically overreacted." (Indianapolis Star)
...Yes, well, his breathing just got too heavy for the public to stomach.

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GENTLEMEN'S AGREEMENT: Leaders of Colorado's state House of Representatives chided fellow lawmakers for getting into a fight recently. Rep. Bill Cadman called an amendment proposed by Rep. Val Vigil "garbage." When Vigil said Cadman was garbage, Cadman said if Vigil ever said that again, "I'll ram my fist up your ass." Minority Leader Joe Stengel urged, "We need to agree to disagree without being disagreeable." (Denver Rocky Mountain News)
...Agreed.

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FEEL SECURE WHILE SHOPPING: A woman who saw her rapist convicted and sent to prison for 10 years just five years ago stopped by a Target store in Chicago, Ill., to make a sales call. The security guard at the store confronted her and demanded to know her name. She immediately recognized him as her rapist. She refused to tell him her name, and the guard followed her around until she jumped in her car to escape; he wrote down her license plate number. She went to the police, who arrested the guard, Andre Johnson, 36, for assault and failure to register as a sex offender. He has been out of prison for at least a year. A Target manager, saying he was "appalled," fired Johnson. (Chicago Sun-Times)
...What was the appalling part? That they didn't do a background check, or that they did and hired him anyway?

***

OH GREAT, NOW YOU TELL ME: "A Job Interview Is Not a Date"
-- New York Newsday headline

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Is it this amazing!!!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.  Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.  Amzanig huh? 

Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

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"Crime in New York City is at an all-time low. I think it must be true, because it's been weeks since I've had to say, "You're not so tough without that knife, punk!"
--Dave Letterman

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"Congress is asking baseball players to testify about steroids. Asked about the steroid problem President Bush said 'I just use a little preparation H.'"
--Craig Ferguson

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"A recent study has found that more senior citizens than ever are entering college. College faculty says that the seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots just for the Jell-O."
--Conan O'Brien

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"Awards are like hemorrhoids; sooner or later every asshole gets some."
-Frederic Raphael

***

Q: Why don't roosters have hands?
A: Chickens don't have tits.

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Rotten News....  (true)

Fri, Mar 18, 2005

Police Charge Man for Flashing With Banana

GREENWICH, Conn. - A former Stamford police officer has been charged with lewd conduct involving a toy banana. Arthur Bertana, 62, who had been on probation for lewd conduct more than four years ago, was arrested Saturday after police said he placed a toy banana in his pants and flashed people.

Bertana was charged with breach of peace and interfering with a police officer.

"Over a span of time, there were several reports of a subject wearing extremely tight pants with an obvious bulge stuffed down his pants," Sgt. Roger Petrone Jr. said Wednesday.

Bertana would allegedly greet passersby on the busy street while trying to draw attention, Petrone said. At times, he placed a bag in front of his pants, then moved it and show the bulge, he said.

"It was a yellow, plush, child's toy banana," Petrone said. "It had a smiley face on it."

Bertana was released on a $5,000 bond for a March 21 appearance in Stamford Superior Court in Stamford.

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Fri, Mar 18, 2005

Woman Paid Invisible 'Mermaids' Airfare

By MICHAEL HARTNACK, Associated Press Writer

HARARE, Zimbabwe - A woman testified that she paid a popular local musician to fly four mermaids from London to Harare to help her recover a stolen car and cash.

Businesswoman Magrate Mapfumo said she paid $5,000 to fly the invisible mermaids to Harare on the advice of musician Edna Chizema, who is on trial for theft by false pretenses, the state-owned Herald newspaper reported Thursday.

Zimbabwe's Shona people believe mermaids are fearsome enchantresses capable of wreaking vengeance on wrongdoers.

Mapfumo testified that she sought Chizema's advice after her car and millions of Zimbabwean dollars (thousands of U.S. dollars) were stolen.

Mapfumo said she also paid for the mermaids to be housed at Harare's plush tourist resort, the Jameson Hotel, and supplied with mobile phones and electrical generators to cope with the Zimbabwean capital's numerous power cuts, the paper said.

"I asked about the names of the mermaids and I was told they were called Emma, Charmaine, Sharvine, Bella and a fifth one who was said to be an Arab mermaid," the Herald quoted Mapfumo as telling the court.

"All the time, she (Chizema) told me I could not see the mermaids as only spirit mediums could do so."

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Pa. Inmate Limited in Clover Quest

By The Associated Press

MERCER, Pa. - George Kaminski, who has spent more than half of his life behind bars, has one more reason to hate prison.

"There are no four-leaf clovers here," Kaminski, 53, told The Herald of Sharon for Friday's editions.

Kaminski, serving time for crimes including burglary and shooting at a police officer, has collected a world record 72,927 four-leaf clovers since 1995. He found all of them on the grounds of various Pennsylvania prisons.

But now that he moved to a minimum-security facility with fewer clovers, he's worried about the competition.

Edward Martin Sr., of Soldotna, Alaska, claims to have collected more than 76,000 four-leaf clovers. The 73-year-old retiree has applied to Guinness to be recognized as the new record holder.

"I've got file cabinets full of clovers," said Kathy Dawson, Soldotna's mayoral assistant. "The mayor had kids from the schools counting all these clovers, and there are still more to be counted."

Kaminski complained that the competition with Martin is unfair.

"The guy's got the whole world — I have two or three acres," Kaminski said from the visitor's room of State Correctional Institution-Mercer, about 55 miles north of Pittsburgh.