Subject: Daily Dose - 050417 - what are you doing here, BIZARRE NEWS, pour it into the river, DDL, Rotten News

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day.

"My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "what are you doing here?"

The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"

"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Bequests

In 1987, Bob Fosse, the choreographer and film director left $378.79 to each of 66 people to "go out and have dinner on me"; these included Liza Minnelli, Janet Leigh, Elia Kazan, Dustin Hoffman, Melanie Griffith, Neil Simon, Ben Gazzara, Jessica Lange, and Roy Scheider.

In 1974, Philip Grundy, a British dentist, left his dental nurse $271,500 on condition that she didn't wear any makeup or jewelry or go out with men for five years.

In 1955, Juan Potomachi, an Argentinean, left more than $37,500 to the local theater on the condition that they used his skull when performing Hamlet.

In 1765, John Hart left his brother a gun and a bullet "in the hope that he will put the same through his head when the money is spent."

In 1950, George Bernard Shaw left a considerable portion of his estate for the purpose of replacing the standard English alphabet of twenty-six letters with a more efficient alphabet of at least forty letters - it was never achieved.

The British dramatist Richard Brinsley Sheridan told his son that he was cutting him out of his will with just a shilling. His son's reaction was, "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. You don't happen to have the shilling about you now, do you?"

In 1856, Heinrich Heine, the German poet, left everything to his wife on the condition that she remarried "so that there will be at least one man to regret my death."

In 1997, Robert Brett, a Californian who wasn't allowed to smoke at home, left his entire fortune to his wife, provided that she smoked four cigars a day for the rest of her life.

[From "That Book of Perfectly Useless Information"]

***  

Almost Dead Man Walking

SYDNEY, Australia - A 30-year-old man wanted to die, but he was too scared to carry out the act. So, he did the next best thing - he took out a contract on his own life.

There was just one problem. The men he paid to do the job failed in their effort to kill him.

The man's brilliant plan had been to take sleeping tablets, then if he was still breathing after 10 minutes the hit men were to beat him to death with an iron bar. However, after taking two boxes of prescription sleeping pills, he began to go into convulsions on the ground. The men grabbed the iron bar and stuck him a couple of times on the head.

Convinced he was dead they left, leaving the body in sight. The resilient victim survived the attack, however, and was later found, bloodied and disoriented, wandering down the road.

***

Revenge Tastes Sweet

COEUR D'ALENE, Idaho - How do you get back at someone who puts peanut butter in your cheese sandwich? Well, you anonymously send them semen-frosted brownies, of course!

A 17-year-old student admitted to sending the brownies to a fellow student, who then shared the sweets with two other teens.

The guilty party told a school resource officer that he was upset about the peanut butter prank, explaining that "he hated peanut butter and it made him more mad than he could explain," according to the police report.

The student was arrested and booked into a juvenile detention center. The victims of the disgusting prank were tested for anything that might have been transmitted through the body fluid.

***

That Cat Can Shoot

BATES TOWNSHIP, Mich. - While a man was in his kitchen cooking, one of his cats happened to knock his 9mm handgun to the floor. When the pistol hit the floor it discharged a round into 29-year-old Joseph Stanton's lower torso.

The startled man had to be rushed to Iron County Community Hospital. He was then transported to Marquette General Hospital for additional care.

A representative of Marquette General said that there was no record of anyone by that name under their care.

This just goes to show you that felines and firearms don't mix.

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A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

____________________________

DDL

At the auction of Mabel's vagina,
All her lovers bought parts they thought fine: a
Coal miner, a rajah,
Bought labia major,
And a major her labia minor.

_____________________________

"Tom Cruise is in the news. Says he's about to climb Mount Everest. And you thought he looked short next to Nicole Kidman."
--Conan O'Brien

***  

"The U.S. has now convicted Osama bin Laden's spiritual leader -- I believe his name was Sheik Phil -- next we're going after his yoga instructor."
--David Letterman

***  

"Did you see this? Yesterday a 4.2 earthquake shook Arkansas. Over 200 cars were knocked off their blocks. "
--Jay Leno

***

A funny story is told about General George Patton from his World War II days. He once accepted an invitation to dine at a press camp in Africa. Wine was served in canteen cups but, thinking he was served coffee, Patton poured cream into his cup. As he stirred in sugar, Patton was warned that his cup contained red wine and not coffee.

Now, General Patton could never, never be wrong. Without hesitating he replied, "I know. I like my wine this way."

***

I know this quote is not funny, but I read these books as a kid. Salvor Hardin was the coolest of the cool. I wonder if I'd enjoy them as an adult? Probably not...They didn't contain anything about blow jobs or ass bangin'.

"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."
--Isaac Asimov, Salvor Hardin in one of the "Foundation" books

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Rotten News...  (true)

Fri, Mar 18, 2005

Woman's Scooter Blown Up in Security Scare

LONDON (Reuters) - Heidi Brown was told she could park her new scooter outside the vehicle registration office while she waited to get license plates.

To her horror, it was blown up by the army after someone reported that it might be a bomb.

Police in Ipswich, eastern England, confirmed on Thursday that a moped had been blown up in a controlled explosion after local business people "raised concerns" that it could be a bomb.

"The moped was chained to the perimeter fence outside the building. We weren't able to identify whose vehicle it was because there were no license plates on it," said a spokeswoman for Suffolk police.

She said the surrounding office buildings were evacuated and three roads were closed off.

The Daily Telegraph newspaper reported the scooter belonged to Brown, a 22-year-old care worker, who said she had been told she could leave it there awaiting inspection.

*********

Prison Guards on Strike Over Antique Guns

Thu Mar 17, 9:27 AM ET

ATHENS (Reuters) - Greek prison guards will go on strike next week demanding a change of their American-made weapons that date back to the U.S. wars in central America almost a century ago.

While antique shops would be eager to get their hands on them, prison guards just want to get rid of their obsolete 1911 U.S. Cavalry revolvers. The guns do not scare inmates any more as safety experts have advised guards not to fire them.

"We have more and more escape attempts and prisoners just say 'I'll try it because they won't shoot me with these guns anyway'," Exterior Prison Guards union president Giorgos Kostikas told Reuters Thursday.

The guards will go on strike and demand new weapons and more staff to secure the country's growing prison population.

"We need 2,800 guards but we currently have only 1,200 armed with completely inappropriate weapons to secure the perimeter of the prisons," Kostikas said.

**********

Fri, Mar 18, 2005

Empty Car Starts Up, Crashes Into House

SOUTH HAVEN, Ind. - Police officers were skeptical when a woman whose car had struck a neighbor's home told them the car took off on its own after she must have accidentally hit some buttons on her key chain.

Christine Djordjevic said the officers became believers when they saw her remote starter activate, sending her car driving down the road. They chased it down and stopped it from hitting anything, she said.

Police reports confirmed the vehicle "was checked and it was learned that the vehicle will start and drive when the remote start is activated."

The crash on Monday caused several thousand dollars in damage to Djordjevic's car and neighbor Gregory Hajduk's house in the community about 10 miles southeast of Gary. Djordjevic said she must have left her stick-shift car in reverse.

Djordjevic said the remote starter previously caused her car to jump over a curb at a store while she was outside the car and her 11-year-old son was inside yelling, "Mom, where are we going?"

To prevent any further problems, Djordjevic said she was taking the remote starter device off her key chain.

"I don't even know how the stupid thing works," she said.

Mauling 101